Hodgepodgery

“Hodgepodgery”
For years I have labored to avoid the pain.
Countless hours spent pushing, stifling, crushing
So that deeper and deeper within me they became.
But after all my strife I see
That repressed emotions are festering in me.
Longing for a love not returned,
Embarrassed for holding on,
Aching for the touch of a man, my man,
Jealous of those in whom I should take shelter,
Angry for not possessing their charm to use,
Resentful for allowing others to abuse,
Bitter from betrayals by those who did harm,
Exhausted from battling unrevealed fears,
Grieving over the loss of wasted years,
Thirsting for freedom, pressured by the urge to run,
Confused by the constant chatter in my mind,
Desperate for a new stimulus or change to find,
Yearning for peace, for discontentment to cease,
Saddened that the tears won’t flow to offer release,
Guilty over this hodgepodgery of emotions that smother me,
Wishing so much to just be free.