Struggles with young love

The idea of love is irresistible. It is so close within my reach that I’m almost letting myself give into it; I am almost letting myself fall for him. But will almost be enough? Can he fall in love with someone who is almost dedicated to him?

He is, by every definition, all of my heart’s greatest hopes and desires. He is intellectual with a witty, sarcastic sense of humor; he conducts himself in a confident and polite fashion; he is strong, and kind, and friendly. And the way he behaves towards me! He is not only content to hear me talk for ages about absolutely everything, he longs for it. He treats me in a way that I have never been treated before. With all other people excluding my immediate family, I have had to prove myself - to be on the defensive about everything. It is anything but that with Erik.

For as long as I can remember, there has been a wall up between myself and any boy with possible romantic connection. You may find it conceited, but say what you want: I am aware that I have been bestowed with beauty, and it is the reason for the wall. All of these boys - they treat me as if I were something special. But as soon as they discover that I am a real, living person, with thoughts and cares and hopes and dreams, and not some perfect little doll - they run. They are afraid of real feelings! - afraid of real love. They want a meaningless girl to have by their side. They want me as an accessory - they want me because they think I will make them look good.

But Erik! He has long since discovered that I am real, and he has not yet fled! Stranger still, the more he learns about me, the more he is interested. He likes me for my heart and mind - not for my hair or my body or my face. So with every little thing I tell him that I shouldn’t, the wall creeps a bit lower. It has inched, I believe, about halfway down. Behind the wall is all of my thoughts - and some of those thoughts can soar over now, and dance with him, flirt with him, share their secrets. Only the darker or more reserved thoughts stay crouched behind the wall - and with time, when the wall is gone, those thoughts will be forced to bare themselves to him. It is a terrifying and exhilarating concept - the idea that he shall someday know me so wholly and completely.