Pain in Two ways

Do you know anyone who has been emotionally or physically abused by the one they love? Nothing hurts more than that feeling. I love my husband with everything I possibly could love someone with. He says he loves me but he does not show it plus I cannot see that he loves me.
June 9th 2004
Dear Diary,
Ryan has not been himself at all lately. I think he is hiding something from me. Is it that he could want a divorce? Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore, or even just that I don’t satisfy him anymore. So many thoughts are going through my mind right now; I do not even know that to do.
Later that day
As I was talking to Ryan I asked him “What is wrong honey? Are you okay?”
Ryan replies with “Nothing I love you just leave me alone though.” That just shows something is wrong he has a guilty conscience.
I respond and said “Ryan you can tell me what is wrong I will listen we can even go to counseling.”
After an hour of waiting for him to say something back, he comes over and says “Shea, you just need to give me space, you always ask where I am? Who I am with? What am I doing? It like you don’t trust me.”
September 17th 2004
Everything was going well with Ryan until three weeks ago. We have been fighting about anything and everything. One day I was waiting in the chilled but warm weather, waiting for him to come home from work like I do every day. As an athletic trainer he is always sweaty and I find that very attractive, his brown hair is all frizzy from his body heat. I am just sitting on the porch waiting for a hug and kiss like every other day. Ryan gets out of our 2003 cherry red mustang; I say “Hi honey how was work?”
Ryan looks at me and says “Good.” I already can tell he is mad and another fight comes again. Three weeks ago was the first time he ever laid his hands on me in anger. I tried to leave only because as I was growing up I was always taught “Never let a guy touch you in anger.” Ever since that day he hits me all the time, I try to leave but he will not let me, he finds me everywhere I go. I use to talk to my friend Erin about Ryan and me, but now I am not even allowed to talk to her. He does not allow me to talk to my mom or dad or anyone in my family. He has gotten so abusive he hits me until I bleed, pushes me down stairs two flights to add, and I was forced to tell the doctor that I tripped and fell now the stairs. I ended up with a concussion; I have been so scared of him. Every time I am around him I get scared that he will hit me again. Ryan has even hit be in the past. It was a major cut across my stomach, I loss almost a pint of blood.
Every time I try to leave he follows me. He has tried to hit me with a car before; he says he wants me dead, and how much he hates me. In the middle of the day one day outside he tried his hardest to emotionally hurt me. He will tell me how fat I am and real loud at that, he also says that I do not support him like a wife should. He loves to humiliate me in public. When we get home he beats me for not “cooperating in public like he taught me.” There was one time when he locked me in the closet so he can go party and have girls satisfy him the way I cannot. He left me down there with two bottles of water, and one bag of chips. I wish I could talk to someone who will not hit me about this. He tells me that he wishes I would just fall over and die. He says that he will do it if it does not just happen naturally. He said he will even get small dogs to eat me so that I feel the pain. He wants these vicious dogs to eat me alive and make me suffer.
Ryan told me that one day he is going to me that he will start with my fingers and toes cut them off, then next cut of my legs, arms, and even some organs then feed them to the sharks and make me watch. The way he wants me to die is outrageous. I am terrified to be around him, he makes me petrified to go to sleep at night, and he makes me have nightmares when I do go to sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. I am terrified that he will actually commit a murder.
September 27 2006
Dear diary,
I finally got away from Ryan; I had to leave everything at his house. After so long of not being with Ryan, I finally met someone that treats me right his name is Nathan Bain, Nate for short. I divorced Ryan last year and I have been seeing Nate for almost nine months. I am not living with Nate yet but I am at his house all the time, all day long. Nate takes me and my two kids to church every Sunday and Wednesday. Nathan walks in church and he is so tall my baby looks up to him, both ways. I have a one year old with Ryan his name is Daniel. Daniel is technically Ryan’s biological son but Nathan signed his birth certificate, and his name is Daniel Matthew Bain. I also have a daughter who is one month old and her name is Lydia Bain, Nathan is her biological father. Lydia has Nate’s gorgeous blue eyes, with Nate’s wavy black hair. Daniel is a spitting image of his dad Ryan. It has been a year since I have seen Ryan every day I fear I will run in to him somewhere. Nathan knows everything that happened with me and Ryan so he is patient with me. He lets me talk to my family and Erin. He does not control me. He knows I am scared to trust a lot of people. He also knows that I have trusting issues and that is why he is ok with taking it slow.
Nathan drives me to counseling every week for my trusting issues. He takes the classes with me, even though I know I have nothing to worry about with Nate I still get scared I still to this day wake up with nightmares. Nate understands me and I love how he lets me have space. Anyways I am happy now with Nathan.
October 7th 2006
Dear diary,
Well I finally moved in with Nathan, and we are happy as a family. I pray to God every night and that he is letting my children grow up in this kind of environment instead of them knowing that Ryan is Daniel’s father. Maybe when Daniel is older and old enough to understand I may tell him one day. I pray that he will not ask to see him and I honestly do not want him to have any contact with him at all. I get the chills just thinking about Daniel and Nathan ever meeting in person.im so happy that Daniel is allowed to see both of his grandparents. It is just healthy for a child to be interacting with family members. Every day I was in Ryan’s house I prayed that one day I would get out of that hell hole, and then one day God answered my prayers. I am very blessed that he lets me live the life I am living now instead of having to raise my kids in a house like that.
Never again will I ever put myself through any of that ever again. Nate is so considerate of mine and my kid’s feelings I know that he will be a great father, better than Ryan would ever be. One day I will be able to tell my son that the wounds on my stomachs are from his father and not surgeries. I feel god did this for a reason and he has a purpose for everything he put me through. I know now that one day I will be in heaven with him and that is all that matters.
October 15, 2006
Dear diary,
I saw Ryan today in Wal*mart and he came up to me and apologized and told me he was wrong and he knows he was now. He said he is in counseling for the past two years and that he feels terrible, he just got out of rehab and he has a wife of his own. He is doing well and I am happy for him. At least he is happy and learned a lesson after his jail time and rehab he is not doing anything wrong anymore.