Will this feeling ever go away

Addiction [uh-dik-shuhn]
The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to somethingthat is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, tosuch an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

October 4th 2005
It was my nephew’s birthday and I was about two hours late and missed the cake being cut and he had opened up all his presents. When everyone had asked me where I was I told them half comatose the car broke down on the way here. I can’t stand this feeling, will it ever go away…..?

I was walking around downtown looking for a gift for my nephew it was his birthday today he been telling me that he wanted Hot Wheels. So I looked inside this window and seen a whole set on sale for fifty percent off but then I got a call from my dealer I don’t even know his name. “Hey, I was worrying about you. Where you been?”
“Yeah sorry” he responded “Look the shipment was short so we’re going up about twenty bucks”
“But I can’t pay that much I got my nephews birthday coming up that’s his money.” I said
“To bad, you either got to pay double or nothing.”
So I turned around with slight shame and said “I’ll be on my way.”


November 23rd 2007
Today the family’s getting together to throw a little barbeque so we can see what’s going on with each other. This is going to be fun I hate these things well I’m feeling sick anyway I haven’t had a pill all day and its already 11:34am this got to change or I’m going to be puking everywhere… Will this feeling ever go away…?

I had woken up to “Hey, hunny get up the family’s coming over in about two or three hours” rage pierced through me like a sword
“I’ll get up when I’m ready!”
It was silent why did I…? I don’t know. So I got up about a half hour later I needed a pill bad this time I felt the urge to just puke. So I went through my wife’s purse and took our rent money and spent about half on five or six pills. I came home about an hour later and went up stairs and went back to bed… Woke up my wife was in bed beside me sleeping…


April 23rd 2008
Well a lot of stuff has been going on with the family it’s like they are just tip toeing around me.. Why? Well yesterday was my wife and I anniversary and I actually remembered this time but I told her I forgot … Will this feeling ever go away…?

I just woke up and went to my dealer’s house there was just a new shipment in and I didn’t want to be early for this one. He told me “Since, you been coming to me for awhile I’ll let you get two Oxy’s free if you buy eight. I was originally going to buy six because that’s all I needed at the time but I was going to get two free once! You’d be stupid not to take that up then I realized that I had to put that money to the side for my wife and I’s anniversary but I said oh well.. The next morning I woke up to Breakfast in bed a kiss and a brand new watch and she wake up to and oops and a High husband.

September 15th 2011
Times flown by me like no tomorrow my little nephew Mickey is all grown up now he’s fifteen. He decided to come over today and we can sit around and maybe go to a pool. I asked if he could grab my clothes they were in my dresser. Then he came down with my pill bottle... I hate this feeling ever go away…?

“Uncle Jim!” I heard come from the front door.
“Mikey!” I said happily “How you doing?”
“Good just started school last month.”
“Really? How that going?” I replied with.
“Its going pretty good,” he said.
“You want to go down the pool today!?” I said and of course he said.
“Heck yeah!”
So about three hours later I asked, “Hey go up and grab my trunks please?” and he walked up and got them for me what a great kid. About fifteen minutes later I yelled up, “Mikey, you okay?”
“He came down almost in tears yeah I’m fine but what’s this?” and Held up my Pill bottle..

September 20th 2011
Mikey wanted to help me with my Addiction to Oxy codeine today and well I’m not sure what he has in mind. Right now I’m on the back porch smoking a cigarette and a pill, I take the tablet and a aluminum foil and a straw you but the tablet on the foil and out a lighter underneath the foil and wait for it to smoke then use the straw to suck it all up. This is the only thing I’ve been looking forward today getting high and a pack of Marlboros. It seems like I have no control over my body. I hate this feeling will it ever go away…?

I woke up to a message on the answering machine and it was from a familiar number so I played the message. It was Mickey he told me that he wanted to come over right away so as at 4 he’s going to be over so we can talk about my addiction. I don’t want bothered with neither this today nor any other day I don’t want to quit because when I’m high everything kind of gets better for me. It’s my escape route from reality. So 4pm rolls by and Mickey knocks at the door and Gracey (My wife) answers in. “Oh come on in hunny, what brings you around?” she asks
“Oh nothing, Just wanted to see if Uncle Jim wanted to come and hang out today.” He said to her like he wasn’t even upset. So he went up stairs and seen me sitting there in a dark room and asked if I did anything, I didn’t say a word and he already knew I did.
October 7th 2011
Mikey came over again for the fifth time he came over (He’s here about one or two times a week) and asked me the same thing if I did anything and every time I didn’t say anything. So he came over again came upstairs and see’s me and asked if I had done anything today. I was a little mad because I had I little kid telling me something like I was a child but I answered, with “No”. Mikey said “Good! We’re making process how long you been clean?” and I said another lie
“Two weeks,”
“Do you have any pills left?” he asked and I answered truthfully and said
“Yeah,” for some odd reason. So he went to my doers and took my pill bottle I had ten Oxys and nine Percs and about five Vicodin. I Was filled with rage when he took them all one might ask where I got these pills. Well, I took some from my wife’s work and I did this thing with this man man that took a ride down to Florida and got pills there and bring them back to me. There so easy to get down there. I resorted to lying to my family and using all the money I have so I can be high if it’s not worse Mikey is failing school because he is dedicating all his time to his drug addicted uncle who is lying to his face… I hate this…Will this feeling ever go away?


February 4th 2012
It’s been awhile and well Mikey has been over four to five times so far checking up on me… I feel bad about lying to him but hey I don’t want to stop this. He’s thinks I’ve been clean from Oxy I kind of am… I starting shooting Heroin this stuff is better than Oxy Codeine its taking more and more to get high from that and well now I can get high for cheaper. I don’t feel good about it but hey I’m not using as much money, Also me and Gracy got in a big argument again today I’m not sure where this relationship is going. I hate this feeling… Will it ever go away…?

Today has been a long day and I’m running low on cash so I again decided to go through my wife Graceys purse and take the bill money. When I called up my dealer I asked for five Oxys and four Percs and told me that he had got something new in today and starting to sale. I asked “What would that be?” he answered with
“It’s the same as Oxy’s but its way stronger and can be taken a little different. It’s Heroin and if you shoot it way better!” as soon as I heard better than Oxy’s I was in and hooked. So I went over to our back alley he handed me two oxy’s three percs and a rock it looked like.
I said “What am I suppose to do with this?”
He said “You have to get a spoon and lighter and fill up the needle with what liquids are in the spoon.”
So he handed me a needle and a spoon and said
“Enjoy,” I was so anxious that I sat right down and shot up in the middle of the alley and paced out for about twelve hours came home at two am and went the bed and woke up to.
“Hey hunny get out of bed it’s already three”
“Don’t tell me what to do! I can get out whenever I want!” I told her
“I’m getting sick and tired of your laziness and your broke self! Riding around like you King of everything you don’t even help with the bills!” She replied with
“I help enough!”
“No, No you don’t getting off your butt once in awhile to do under the table doesn’t count! By the way what do you do with all the money you get from them?” She asked with anger and suspicion
“I buy Cigarettes and buy food!” I told her
“No you don’t you lying piece of crap! I use my money I earn from the hospital! I’ll ask you again because you sure don’t smoke that much!”
I sat there with a blank stare on my face trying to think of the easiest excuse and the only thing that popped in mind was “I don’t have to tell you nothing!”
She said “Even some of the bill money goes missing! And you’ve been acting weird lately more than usual..! Are you on drugs?”
I sat there again with a blank stare and almost wanting to cry and give up.
“That’s it huh?”
I shook my head “I hope you rot in hell! Get out of my house!” and I got up grabbed my bill bottle, needle and left popping two oxy’s and three Perc’s.

April 27th 2012

Gracey and I divorced a little bit ago and I’m living in a apartment for now. I feel so dead inside right now I’ve been swallowing sadness and bottling everything up and I’m not sure how long I can keep everything together.

Mikey came over before school one day and asked if I was fine and if I needed any help I told him “No, I’m fine It wasn’t meant to be we both were unhappy things were getting tight.” I said
“Okay uncle Jim well I got to get to school now.”
“Alright Mikey and remember get them grades up. I’m watching you.”
“Okay Uncle Jim” he said with a laugh.”
As soon as that door closed I grabbed my needle and a spoon, I Could tell I was going crazy I started saying things like “Hello my friend…” and “I’m ready for my escape” just a bunch of weird things. I took a little bit more than I did and I passed out on my bed with a belt around my arm and a needle in my vein.

Later Mikey came in with a surprise visit and well seen me laying on the bed like that. He screamed and shook me and eventually I woke up about twenty minutes later and seen him crying there. “Thought you quit this!” he said crying everywhere “You lied to me…! You lied to me!” he kept saying I tried to say
“Don’t cry its fine” or “Don’t worry” trying to think of another excuse but he kept screaming
“You lied to me! You lied to me!”
Finally all the Anger I had locked inside me exploded out of me like Mento’s to a soda pop, “Shut the hell up! And Get out of here!” He looked at me with complete shock crying and he ran out of the room and I said “Mikey no I didn’t mean that!” I tried to run after him but the Heroin was still in my system and slowing me down I grabbed a bottle of pills tossed back about six and went out the door. I was rushing out the door and couldn’t find him anywhere. I called his cell phone and his house phone no answer his mom wasn’t home so I ran there about twenty minute run I got there inside of fifteen I kicked in the door because it was locked and then ran up in his room there his was… Passed out on the ground with foam coming out his mouth, he had taken the pills that he took off me. There were only two oxy’s two perc’s and two Vicodin left. I dropped to my knees my mouth dropped opened and tears came rolling down my face and a screamed out to the loudest I can “God! Why! Take me! No! This can’t be happening! Please! No! Wake up! Please wake up!” I called the ambulances I took the rest of the pills on the ground tossed them back went to the cabinet and tossed the whole bottle of Tylenol back, I was trying to kill myself.. I crawled up in a corner and was waiting for my death so I can be with Mikey, he was the only person in my family that cared about me and the only person that I could talk too. I started getting tired then everything went black….


December 24th 2020
I haven’t written in here for awhile I was looking for some decorations in my attic and then I found this old thing. Well it’s been eight years since the death of Mikey. I found treatment for my addiction and I’ve been clean for six years now. The family are finally getting together and starting to talk to me now I’m actually getting ready to do a family get together for the holidays. Oh and Gracey and I are starting to talk again and it looks like things are going to be back to the way they were I love this feeling I never want it to go away..!