Mag's List

I wish I liked coffee. I've tried it many times. People have told me it's like smoking. It takes a couple of tries before you get hooked. I have to be patient for the addiction to set in. It hasn't. I want to like it. Coffee drinkers seems so...sophisticated. The coffee houses are hip and comfortably cramped. I want others to watch as I pay for my five dollar beverage. It's not that I really want to like the taste of coffee. I just want people to see me drink it. I want to add is to my list. I am making a list about things I like. I believe this list will serve to define me. You see, I don't know who I am.

I know my name. My name is Marguerite James. I prefer to be called Mags. I think it fits better. Marguerite James seems so lofty and unattainable. When I am called Marguerite James I feel like a little girl once again standing in my mother's red high heels. To believe that I will one day fit in those shoes was too much a stretch for my young brain. It's like that with my full name. Call me Mags, that's what I tell people.

Back to drinking coffee. I want to add that I like coffee to my list. The reason being is I want to know who I am and I want people to know who I am. That's why I want them to see me buying the coffee. I want them to think, "She drinks coffee." That way they'll know a little bit about Mags without me having to tell them. If I tell them then I'll seem self-absorbed. But I am self-absorbed. I think everyone is but this is a dirty little secret and I have to hide it like everyone else. I'll wield this mallet of subtlety skillfully just like the rest. When I see a man buying coffee I'll think, "He likes coffee."

I smoke so other people can see me smoke. I smoke at work when on break. I smoke while sitting on my balcony. I smoke at parties and hangouts. My friends and acquaintances know I smoke. They see the pack I always have resting in the cup holder of my car. There is always a lighter in my back pocket. They undoubtedly can smell it in my clothes and hair. However, I do legitimately like to smoke as I do so even when no one is watching. I am a smoker. I added this to my list.

I like music. I can get into any type of music. When asked what my favorite type of music is I say, "I like rock." The truth is my favorite music is country. I don't tell people this. It doesn't fit. The few occasions I have shared the truth it is questioned. They say, "Really? You don't seem the type." Then they ask me what artists and songs I favor. It amazes me how often people, including myself, question the truth. If told a lie, as long as if fits, it is easily accepted. This has lead me to the predicament I currently find myself in. I don't know who I am because I have let others define me. It's really very simple. For example, I am a quiet person. Others have remarked on this. Even people I don't know very well. They tell me I am quiet. From this they usually conclude I am intelligent. I am not sure of the logic in this but it happens regularly so must have some explanation. I believe I am intelligent. This is not the point. The point is in these instances I have not done or said anything that can be construed as intelligent. But it intelligence fits with quiet. So I must be intelligent.
That my favorite type of music is rock is also an assumption. It is also a lie. I don't dress in the manner some one who loves country music should dress like. I usually wear old jeans and T-shirts. My reddish-brown hair is always a mess. My nail polish is usually chipped. My face is sharp and full of angles. I have an edgy appearance so I must be a "rocker".

The reason I like country music is because of its optimism and simplicity. I understand that optimism is word not usually associated with country music. It is usually associated with "depressing", "dead dog", and "pick up truck". It is optimistic because it's music about your roots. A person's foundation of who they are and where they've come from. It doesn't matter if you're from the south, the north, or Africa. I like that. It's important to understand who one is. I am jealous of that understanding. I want that understanding. That is why I am making a list.

I will add to the list that my favorite type of music is country.

I don't want to lie anymore.