A long path of lifetimes

The path I follow has been long and winding thus far. Deeper into the forest it takes me back to a place that I knew as home once upon a time long ago. The deeper I trudge into the forest the deeper I delve into my memories of days gone by. Every thought brings back flashes of things I have seen and those I should have seen. With the memories comes the pain of realizing how old I am and how very old, tired, and alone I feel.

There is purpose to my journey today, I did not consciously decide to take this stroll, but rather was guided by some hidden force. The old ones have beckoned to me for some time now to come home and that is where I feel that I am heading to. What awaits me there I do not yet know, only that I must get there. A sense of completion seems to travel with me; I know inside that this will be this particular journeys end. At the end of this trail all my answers will be given to me and understanding will prevail.....

As I slowly walk along I am reminded of last night’s events. She came to me once again, arms outstretched and bright golden light shining on her dark hair. She called to me and I arose to follow for it was with her that I knew I belonged, at her side was my true rightful place and had always been this way. Now here it is Noon the next day and I continue to follow. I cannot see her now; only know that she is before me. She calls my name so softly letting me know to continue, that all is as it should be.....

I try vainly to remember her name. In my heart I know it, I can almost whisper it yet just as the birds in the tree’s it flitters away just as I start to speak. So forward I go not stopping to rest. The sweat pours from my body as the heat beats down upon me. With every drop that pours from my hot flesh there is a feeling or sense that some old sickness, pain, or sin is freed. And thus I feel lighter as I move. Yet my heart is heavy, the battles of this life have taken their toll and the wounds run deep into my soul.....

Ahead of me in the forest a voice calls out and instantly I am transported back to the city of lights, the city of Adelaide. Where once upon a time there was to be a new beginning in a new land, a fresh start. I walk along the sandy shore line as I did so long ago and up ahead I see a much younger version of myself, happy and full of life. Or so it appeared, for even then all was an illusion that I had created. I was playing a part I had played so well many times and had even convinced myself that all was real. For a brief time at least, for no one can run from their destiny. I am returned to the forest and ahead of me she calls to me to continue to follow, continue to see, for you know that it is with me you have always belonged and no other, you are mine and I yours. Look and understand.....

I fight the urge to run away as I continue to move along the path. Up ahead in the distance the trail disappears around a bend. I tremble with fear of what lies ahead awaiting my arrival. Yet I want this pain to end, I want to rest, to sleep and never awake again. The pain and loneliness has become unbearable over the years and has been a weight upon me, choking my very soul. I feel as though there are no more battles I can fight, I am weakened and wounded. It would be so very easy to stop where I am now and lie down upon the forest floor. Yet she beckons to me to follow. Why will she not stop and wait on me? Why can we not rest a spell?

A voice in my head tells me that there will be time enough for rest just up ahead. I cannot resist the voices, my feet move forward as though controlled by another. I feel out of touch with my body and with this feeling I find myself in this same forest yet another time. I stand looking down upon myself lying upon a bloodied ground, sword piercing my chest, the cries of wounded around me. Blood seeps from my injury and I know there is not much time left and instantly I am filled with the memories of that life, my last conscious thoughts. And there she is again, running to my side screaming, kneeling by my side as I frantically try to raise my hand to touch her soft gentle tear stained face. I try to tell her I love her that I am sorry, my lips move but only a gurgling sound of air escapes. She raises my head from the ground and softly kisses my dying lips, whispering that she loves me and will never let me go. Funny, thru the pain in my chest I can feel her pain as well and realize that she had battled just as hard as I, her armor covered with my blood as well as the blood of several others whom had invaded our home.

Just as my last breath is freed from my body she cries out and curses the god that allowed this to happen. She vows that the world will never rest for the deeds done today. She screams out to the heavens that she will bring me back again and again, that no power would keep us apart. She looks at me and tells me to be brave and that soon she would join me again. My vision blurs as the scenes around me change yet again.

Where am I, who am I? I am filled with questions with no answers. I experience vague memories and shadows of days gone by. Familiar places yet no way to place where. I am going out of my mind with the pain of uncertainty. How much longer must I go on this way?

The voices are drawing near, telling me it’s time to come home. Who are they and what do they want of me? Why do I feel this deep longing need to join them? What do I do? They come to me as family and bring memories of happier times. The times do not fit my current surroundings. I feel as though I am trapped in a cage with no door, shackled yet no chains. I am lost. How do I get home?

She’s at my door again, all radiant beauty, the light shinning off of her dark hair. She holds her arms out to me and it is in her arms I know I belong, in her arms I must go. I move toward her as I have a thousand times before and just as we are about to touch she is ripped from me. I search the empty rooms frantically to no avail. I feel as if my life has just ended. No I cry out, don’t do this to me.

As I move to search yet another room I find myself in a dark forest, the sounds and cries of battle close by. I tremble with a mixture of fear and rage. I lift my sword high and charge forward. Blood splatters the ground around me as I slice and cut everything near. I know nothing but the pain and anger of a thousand or more sleepless nights. Someone bars my way forward, I look and I freeze in my tracks with fear, for there before me is none other than myself, the sword drops from my hands as suddenly my surroundings shift once again.

My next thoughts are of why the night is filled with cries and the sound of splintering wood. Rough callused hands pull me from the water. A strong yet wise voice tells me to give up there is nothing more can be done. The sea has claimed her; the sea has claimed its own.

Just as before, just as I am waking the voices are back, the shadows against the wall begging me to return, begging me to come home, and like a mist the darkness enfolds me in its warm grip and sends me back to a reality of being out of place, out of time. I am lost in a forest known by many names yet only one name has meaning to me. Upon awakening all memory of that name vanishes leaving me empty inside, yet the voices whisper to me to rise and follow.

Once again I have shifted back thru time and space and find myself upon the trail that I have followed for hours now. I have reached the bend and a sense of foreboding surrounds me. What awaits me just around the corner? I want so badly to turn and run yet wish to charge ahead and face the outcome. She calls to me once again saying come my love, join me, join all of us, we have waited so very long.

I turn the corner through the trees just as the sounds of drums start beating and old wise men start their hauntingly chanting. A small clearing appears up ahead and spread out are several teepees. From my left she calls to me and as I look there she stands before me next to a shelter made of buffalo hides. The shelter is set off to itself and in all purposes seems to hold some very important meaning to me. The four corners surrounding it are marked with willow branches. Each branch has attached to it feathers and other items that are so very familiar. I somehow remember placing these items here. She now holds back the flap to the shelter and motions me to go inside. I cannot help but to listen as somewhere in the distance a hawk screeches. She whispers to me as I pass that all will be ok.

The flap drops behind me as I enter and am plunged into darkness. Fear envelopes me at first but only for a moment as my eyes become accustomed to my surroundings. I am conscious of being naked and it all seems so natural. I move to the center of the lodge and sit upon the ground near a pit containing hot coals and stone, a gourd of water sits at my side and I drink deeply it’s oh so fulfilling liquid. I then lightly pour some of the water upon the stone and am enveloped by steam and heat, sweat pours from my body. I am aware of someone chanting and realize that it is none other than me. My eyes close as yet another scene from my life takes place before my eyes.

Ah, how quickly distractions can throw one of course. I can clearly see each instance in my life where I turned left when I should have turned right. The distractions that plagued me in my life were people, chance encounters along some very trying times for me. Some of the distractions were good and very much needed. Others proved to be my downfall in some cases, mere obstacles in others. There were those that would do all in their power to stop me from reaching the point of where I now sit. There were those that would have me follow them blindly into the unknown future leaving all self reliance behind. I was fortunate enough in my last encounter that the wise ones whispered to me a story of another time, a story where the eagle soared high above my head and screeched out it’s warnings to me. A time where I had to take actions that was in contradiction to others wishes. And those that Distracted me in my most recent time were the very same from the life before as presented to me by the elders, by Standing Bear himself.

Standing Bear, why do I only now remember his name after all these lifetimes? And just as I remember his name I clearly see him sitting cross legged in front of me in this lodge that I had built by my own hand. I am overwhelmed at the vision of him sitting there; I wonder what message he has for me now. In reply to these thoughts he speaks and tells me, “Be still, be silent, and listen with all senses.” The Moon has raised high above you and those from before come again. What was used before cannot be found now to defeat them; you must find your tools within the shadows of your soul. The spirit guide comes to take you home, but your journey as before will cover rocky slopes and cross raging rivers. All this you created and only you know the path. Be swift and quick in your soul journey. Haste not lest raging wolf takes you as before.

With these words Standing Bear vanished only to be replaced by Mira. She comes to me and takes me in her arms kissing my softly as she pulls me to her breast. Just as Mother Earth nurtures her young thus Mira does for me. The realization that I have remembered her name after the long journey thru the forest strikes me with a force. For I know the name does not belong to the face of my beloved. At these thoughts I can feel sharp fangs biting into my flesh as claws dig into my back to hold me still. I fight with my every thought to resist the temptation to give in. I struggle to free myself from her grasp. And just as the blood starts to flow from my torn neck she suddenly vanishes in a howl of rage and lust. Weakened I fall forward to the earth and instantly I am transported once again to yet another path.

I stand before the fortifications surrounding our camp. I look to make sure all is secure as I had ordered. We have held out for weeks now and I feel that if we can just hang on a little longer fresh troop’s will arrive with much needed supplies. After assuring myself that all is in order and taking note that day is nearly done I walk over to where Daniel sits, coffee cup in hand full of the nasty chicory we have been restricted to. He starts to get up and I motion him to be still as I sit heavily on the ground in front of him. How’s the men holding up I ask. He replies pretty well all things considered. Other than the complaints of lack of food and such all seems quite. Not many were happy that when the food ran out we had to resort to our horses, could be worse though. I nod my head in agreement and ask of his wounds. No complaints he says. For awhile we sit there in silence, each lost in our own thoughts as a shooting star passes across the night sky. After a bit I feel the need to move around again and rise to make another round. The coming fight tomorrow promises to be a big one. If only the supplies could get here in time.

As I move to leave the silence of the night air is broken by the sounds of shot. A young sentry not far from me is catapulted into the air from a canons blast. Oh God no, I start to run toward cover when I feel the bullets dig deeply into my chest, flinging me back upon the ground. How long I laid there I do not know, when my next conscious thought came to mind it was of the sudden quietness. Out of the corner of my eye Daniel approaches with Doc. I try to rise up but cannot move. They kneel beside me as Doc starts to shake his head. I try to smile to reassure them that it’s not that bad, I want to ask of my boys, but nothing comes thru my lips. Why is it getting so cold, Damn, I should have ordered another log on the fire.

Fresh steam rises from the hot coals in the lodge. How long had I lay there in yet another vision? Who is here with me? I feel a presence in here, not one I fear, but one that is well known. I rise back up into a sitting position and there she is before me. This time I know for sure it is her of my heart. She who cursed the Gods for separating us vowing to always bring me back no matter how many times we were torn apart. I try to reach across to her and she shakes her head. She tells me I am not yet completed, that my journey must end before we can touch. That just as Standing Bear had spoken, I must sit and listen, watch and behold. A new world comes and with it new birth. I must prepare myself for the journey to the other side. Just as these words are spoken we are back on the path, where she had held my head in her lap, tears streaming down her checks to fall upon my dying face. She curses the heavens and vows a curse to last all eternity. She chants a parting cry heard so many times before and falls forward to the sword piercing my chest. The sword plunges deep into her heart sealing us both together not just in the physical reality but the spirit world as well. And in this act she completes the curse placed on the gods and people of this land. Her last dying act was to seal her lips to mine as her blood trickled down my throat and the reviving takes place within me.

Outside the drums beat and a dance progresses. How long have I been sitting here now. It feels as though years if not centuries have passed. The fire pit still glows red and the lodge is very warm. I pour more water upon the hot stone to create more steam and to continue the cleansing. Somewhere in the distance a wolf howls its mournful call and I feel a longing burn deep within me. Lying on the ground before me is the sword that had taken my life as well as my Queen. Our blood is still fresh upon it but how can this be? I reach across and retrieve it from the ground. It burns my hands and in some way burns into my soul. I try to drop it to the ground as our blood trickles down across my hands and cannot. A hunger grows within like none I have ever known. It is a hunger for knowledge and thus I know I must continue to sit and wait, watch and listen, for knowledge comes in its own time.

My next conscious thought takes place inside the shed in my back yard. I have thrown down my tools and sit and stare at the technology that had once meant so much to me. I now see it as useless junk and another annoying distraction that I find no pleasure in. In fact I have come to realize that more often than not this technology has brought nothing but pain to my life. I remember all the times this has taken place. The most recent phone call and the let down it brought as well as the understanding of what was really taking place. Enlightenment comes in many forms, this day it came with a simple act and use of modern technology. Its message was clear and true and what I should have seen before was now known just as the faces of the players. Once again a distraction had nearly blinded me and led me astray, destiny and the hand of my love dictated otherwise. The threat was put out of commission, or was it? Perhaps it has been only delayed for the time as it seems there is more to do with the players in this scene. Are they friend or foe? Both I think. And yes they have been with me before in another life. The thought about another log on the fire comes back to mind and Daniels face reappears as well as Mira’s. And another piece of the puzzle comes together.

Outside the winds howl around the lodge as the chanting becomes louder and more frantic. There is a purpose; my people are calling the wise ones, the elders, to come. The chanting is their song and it is one of healing and new life with the passing of the old. I so wish to join them in their dance but know that I cannot for this dance is about my passing. My cleansing and renewal, my journeys end, and my return. I float above the place where I still sit upon the ground staring into the coals in the pit. I pass thru the top of the lodge and soar high into the night sky following the stars to another place and another time.

The ocean waves crash against the sides of the ship. The timbers groan with each crash and in the faces of all around realization and acceptance has taken place. The masts crack from their place and fall across the decks, some falling into the sea. We are out of control and being pushed to the rocky shoreline. Vivian races from below decks screaming for me and I move to push her back to safety. It is not to be, as another violent wave crashes across the decks to sweep her into the sea. I try to leap in after her as hands from members of the brave crew try to restrain me. We are rocked again by yet another wave and I am shook free of them. I tumble over the side of the ship and into the cold dark waters below just as the ship cracks dead middle and starts her slow decent to the bottom. Over the howl of the winds and the cracking timbers I can hear the cries of the crew; I hear my cries for Vivian as I try to find some sight of her. Next I knew rough hands were pulling me from the cold waters of the Pacific. I am struggling to dive back in as an old and wizened voice tells me to let her go, the sea has taken her, the sea has reclaimed its own.

Dreams or visions, reality or illusions and where do the lines cross. I am back upon the path now, the lodge far behind me as I continue to journey forward. Funny how forward does not seem to be the right word to use here as my journey thus far has dealt with past lives and love lost. Or perhaps it is of a love remembered, a love so strong that it broke all the holds of time to find me and bring me home. I come upon a particular part of the path that seems so very familiar to me, and instantly I see visions of another day, and there she is. What a beautiful smile that lit up her face as we were trying to find a spot to relax. The sun broke thru the trees here and there to sparkle off her dark hair. Her laughter was like the chimes at midnight floating upon a gentle breeze as I reached for her and pulled her to me. I kissed her deeply as she raised her top allowing me to see her secret gifts for me. Oh we were controlled by our passion and our lust but the setting just did not seem right thus we spent the next couple of hours looking for the right location. It seemed that we would never get there, but oh when we did.

Lust took full control and passion took us to new heights as we explored each other’s bodies. There was no need to say what we wanted, no need for words as we already knew everything about each other. Yet we had only just met. And the truth became clear that this was only a moment in time, our bodies controlled by another’s love and life from before. And M’Lady spoke from the depths of my mind and reminded me of that which I know so well. And I knew that no matter what she would always find a way to come to me and take me into her embrace. And thus the vision passes and I am alone once again on this pathway of my soul’s journey.

I continue to walk along lost in my thoughts. How many lifetimes, how many loves, how many players? I know that each and everyone are here with me on this journey, yet why do only a few allow me to see them? What destiny awaits me up ahead and what part do my guides and those accompanying me play? A voice whispers to me, “Do not concern yourself with insignificant thoughts, all will be answered in due time. Clear your mind and listen my love.” And so I continue as a soft rain begins to fall. It cools my warm body and washes away the dust from my journey.

A realization suddenly comes to mind. Not everyone is here with me. Someone else is missing and I have been waiting for them for some time now. I know that this person is a very integral part of all that has happened in each life. I feel as though this person was a close ally, friend, and confidant. Where is this person, I can almost feel this persons presence, yet not well enough to be comfortable that it is near. Something tells me that when this person comes along all will be drawing to a close and the final solution will be at long last realized.

The drums and chanting start again as I am transported to another scene in my life, another more recent time and a decision that had to be made. One that affected the lives of all involved. It was a decision filled with both happiness and sadness. It was a happiness of returning to a place I had known as home if only for a brief time. There was a promise of a fresh beginning, a chance to correct some difficulties within my life. But as with past times the promise was nothing more than words, the return did not bring the expected feeling of home, but that of a being out of sync. The Rockies were not the same to me anymore, the friends were different.



I spent days trying to work out what I was supposed to do, trying to find my place back in Colorado. At the same time I was lost in the world of technology once again, sinking deeper and deeper into a path that would yet yield more pain then I could imagine. Yet, the technology would bring me one of many gifts, one greater than expected or dreamed of, it brought me a daughter I had never knew I had. I can remember how the shock of it all fell upon me, and how hearing her voice and seeing her I knew for certain she was indeed my child. Thus I made my way back to Virginia, and a brief visit with her along the way to my fathers, the missing person from my life reunited with me. We made plans to get together soon, but fate saw to it that it would be several more years before we would see each other again, and how broken I would be when finally I next saw her.



The drums grow louder, her voice once more whispering listen and look my love, be strong for the coming time. Mist swirls around me as the scene changes once more; I’m at my father’s home laughing with him during a visit, taking pictures, his Dog Della leaping from my lap to go sit beside him and looking back at me as if trying to tell me something. He tells me on this occasion, “I love you son”, not often had he ever said that to me. Once more then scene changes and I’m sitting at my computer, lost in the world I had created online with friends from around the world. The phone rings as I’m talking to one who meant so much to me in this online world, the voice on the phone that of my aunt telling me I need to come to dads at once. I note the time as 9:30 p.m. and the sound of her voice striking a great sense of foreboding. I immediately rush out; dad was but a mile from me, but not this night. Upon arrival I’m met at the door by my Uncle and cousin, told my father has passed away, the world spins out of control, rushed details. Dad was found at 8:30 am that morning yet they waited till that night to call me, if I had only went down that morning, the day before, maybe….maybe he would not be gone. The pain is unbearable, ripping, tearing, no mercy. The following days filled with the treachery of my Uncle and Aunt and cousins stealing some of his possessions before I found the strength to take charge. After the funeral I’m sitting at home alone with his dog Della in my lap and what was left of Dads possessions piled around me, crying out why. Why am I still here?



Once more the old ones call out to me to follow, once more I walk upon the forest path, more tired than before. I just want to lie down, to close my eyes and not move any longer. The old ones whispering to me to follow, that rest waits ahead. I follow along still as if controlled by them, or by some unseen force of will. Once more the mist swirls around me only for me to find myself hovering above myself in a hospital, wires, IV’s, monitors surrounding me. I feel a deep burning pain in my chest like the pain felt with the sword piercing me; it’s a dull throb that radiates thru my body, my head splitting as well. Once more the old ones tell me it’s time to come home, once more she calls out to me it’s time to come home love. And once more I’m back upon that forest path suddenly; back at the spot I had fell in the one vision, the sword piercing my chest. Perhaps history repeats itself in some ways but I continue to move on by this place. Ahead of me she appears, her arms outstretched to me, her voice once more like music. Time to come home love, come join us as we have awaited your return for so long. I try to rush to her, I need to be in her embrace, to feel her lips to mine, but it’s like there is a force slowing me. The forest darkens, thunder crashes, lighting cracks as rain pelts against me. I’m still within the forest but now mountains surround each step toward her taking an eternity. She calls out to me come home once more, nothing will ever separate us, and you will not be ripped from me again. The wind howls as I suddenly feel hands pushing me forward, yet other hands trying to hold me back. The force of those pushing now seeming stronger than that trying to hold me back, the longing within my heart for her so overpowering. The promise of the old ones and home oh so great, “come home the circle must be complete”.



And yet again scenery changes, a heavy fog rolls across the wet ground. Sound from behind me as if an Iron Gate closing on rusted hinges, surrounding me many tombstones. Before me my eyes fall upon a new grave, and then to the stone standing silent watch over it. Upon the stone carved my name and the dates hidden however by the fog. I step past it to yet another grave and an older tombstone, a name upon it I seem to know as mine as well. I continue forward only to see more stones with my name, though different upon each one, each stone older and older. Words carried upon the wind reaching my ears, life is but a circle, a dream upon a dream.



Chanting surrounds me as I feel hands yet upon me but this time softer, her hands. I’m laying back, my head cradled in her lap as she gently strokes my face. Her words ringing about me, “you are mine and I yours my love. Her lips met mine in that ever needed kiss, her words a whisper as she says, “close your eyes love and rest, come home with me”. Yes rest is what I needed, her words soothing me, her touch warming me as I lay there. I closed my eyes and slipped back into the darkness, deeper and deeper I sank within still listening to her words. In this moment the darkness was my friend, it hid all from me and me from all or so it appeared. Within the dark no one could see the constant pain I felt, the sadness I carried. I slipped within yet a different kind of sleep from which I never wanted to awaken.



Falling, spinning, end over end I was flipping. The Darkness replaced by bright light as the sandy beach raced up to meet me. Gone was the comfort of her embrace, her hand in my hair, the comfort felt laying there within her arms. With sudden abruptness I crash into the sand, my heart pounding within my chest. Somehow I am able to rise slowly, unsteadily, looking about in confusion. The waves crash against the shore as I take the first tentative steps, nearly falling back down. Somewhere in the distance there is screams that draw my attention, my hand falling to my side as if to reach for weapon, and there it is, the sword once more sashed to my side. But how, why, where am I now, this all seems so familiar yet again. I move off in the direction of the screams, but alas they seem to be dying out, growing weaker as if the battle was moving on further away. I begin to race faster, something inside telling me I must hurry, a deep set fear or foreboding inside as if I know what lay ahead. And then there it was the island village all aflame, bodies sprawled in different poses of death. Calvary galloping up the slope giving chase to others of this village, I scream out no as I fall to my knees beside one of the helpless victims. Turning the body over and staring into the lifeless eyes that gaze back into my own, my heart nearly stopping as I look upon once more my own lifeless form. Why I cry out to no one, why must I relive this night after night, day after day? Is this in some way my own acceptance that my life is coming to an end, is there something I am to learn from this?



Come home, let go and come home the voices yet beckon. Always the same sound, always the same pull and longing. And there she is once more, arms outstretched to me, that beautiful smile upon her face, the sun shining around her making her seem to glow. Come home my love, come back to me and let us continue, move on. My eyes open slowly, day has once again returned, I take in the items around me as the beeping of the monitor records my vitals. Once more I lay in the hospital room, the pain in my chest and head still pounding. Her voice still within my mind, let go and come home, your time here is done, there is nothing more to be done here. Come home.

The house is cold, the day grey outside as the cool winds from the north carry the hint of snow. Alone in my solitude I sit back in the recliner and think once more upon all that has led me to this day, the events over the past years, the right and wrong decisions. I had continued to dream and hear the old ones beckon to me at every turn both day and night. Time after time I had tried to leave the place I had grown up in this life only to be drawn back. Why I wondered was I so locked to this place with always those voices and another call as well, that of the sea to me. Yes the visions had eventually carried me back to days upon water, sails flapping in the wind and the faces of those around me. In each scene it was always faces I longed to have near, laughter I wanted to hear once again, challenges I wanted to relive.



Perhaps I was going mad, yes maybe that’s it, and maybe I was suffering from an imbalance of some kind. Or perhaps I was missing something in my life, some open void within I had never been able to fill. Alas no, once more the voices of the old ones ring out as I sat in the room alone, stop fighting and realize we are here with you, we want you to come home, you are as much part of us as we are of you. I looked to the right, the cold steel of the gun close to my hand, the near empty bottle of whiskey sitting there next to it. Oh how easy it would be to pick that bottle up and drink the last of its strong contents, lift the gun and put to my head and pull the trigger. But no that was not the answer her voice rings in my ears, which will only take you further away. But what, what is the answer to opening the door to the times past and making my way home to them, to her at long last. “Come home to us my love, come home to me, follow the path and leave all behind” What does this mean, do I simply get up and set back out upon the path with nothing in hand, do I start walking for the forest, the mountains and let the spirits direct me home?



Oh tis true in the past I had tried this, I had picked up roots and set off only to eventually be distracted, to get caught up in the things of this time and people and places. How could I let that happen, to be so wrapped that I kept letting myself be kept away from the one I truly loved and longed for, one that had given up her all for me time and again. Always it seemed I delayed the journey, but now I wonder if perhaps the delays were always meant to be part of the journey, a learning and growth of wisdom I needed to gain before I could finally return home to them. As these thoughts swirl I reach out in frustration and knock the bottle and gun across the room. I lean back and close my eyes as the tears begin to flow freely and after a bit find myself surrounded by that oh so familiar mist, the crunch of stones, leaves, and twigs beneath my feet. Smoke from the campfires wafting upon the breeze to me as if guiding me along. Scents of meals being prepared waft to me as well, my steps now becoming faster and more determined. I open my eyes and there I am in the forest, upon that path once more. There before me once more she stands with arms outstretched to me. I move quickly forward toward her, my own arms reaching out for her as she says come home, as they join her almost as if in a chant, Come Home wanderer. And deep inside I know I have released my hold to the things of this life, all the technology, all the distractions as I race to her and once more fall into her embrace. No longer do I care about anything that had distracted me. There is only her, only them, only my place with them that I desire. No more do I wish to be ripped from her or them. No longer do I want the cruel acts of fate to drag us apart. Maybe in each time before it were poor decisions on my part that had separated us, perhaps I just as in this life had tried to rush too many times without taking the time to think, to learn, to grow.



Holding her there in the forest another flash of vision crept within my mind. The dream of a 12 year old Robert that had so terrified him for weeks on end. The dream of being in a forest, frantically digging, clawing at the earth. My hands finally coming upon the bones, remains of a body long ago buried. I see my hands lifting the skull, the lifeless sockets of eyes staring back at me is if screaming out to tell me something. I remember being so terrified of this dream; of going to my minister and telling I feel I was cursed. I remember him telling me there is always forgiveness but not really believing him and yet not sure what I felt I had done to be cursed for. And as I stand there with her and relive that dream I see for the first time in my hands that skull start to glow, to vibrate as if with life. Hair starting to grow as flesh recovers the old bone. I see the eyes reappear in the long dead sockets and once more look into my own face. Once again I relive that other part of this current dream, of being dead in the forest, her bent over me telling me no power would ever keep us apart. I hear her shout once more her curse, her vow perhaps that not even time would keep us apart. I feel the stings of her bite as a different kind of life bleeds within me. And once more the dream repeats itself, taking me back thru all the times and places and the old ones beckon to me, she beckons to me, Come home.



Captain, Captain the orderly shouts and points. The federals had taking the heights and we all knew there would be hell to pay. My wounds had finally healed from the last battle I had fought, seems like a lifetime ago now as I face another battle far in the north. We had traveled for weeks to get here, there was a sense of determination in this coming battle, a purpose and each of us had carried our own sense of pride and a knowing that we might be able to end this war. I looked across the field in the direction the orderly had pointed; I saw the waves of blue moving into place. A sense of foreboding had begun to set upon me in the last hours of night and just before dawn had broken thru to a new day. Lord it was hot and already the stench of dead, horses, men, was making its mark upon us. I had overheard my superiors discussing the argument about this battle the day before, for the first time heard the start of acknowledging there was no way to win this particular fight. I tried to wipe it from my mind as we stood there awaiting the orders to advance, awaiting our chance to say we will never bow down or give up. Home, the thought of home slipped into my mind, and there in that moment I heard her voice, “come home my love”. Our Gallant general rode before us as I looked about to see what female had somehow gotten on the battlefield to say this. Alas there was none about and I returned my attention to our general. “Old Virginia prepare came the cry, for our homes, for our wives, for old Virginia, March”



Screaming and moaning from all directions, sounds of musket fire and horses screaming in terror and pain. The battle had gone horribly wrong, bodies, pieces of bodies all scattered about us. Yes it was true; there was no way to have taken this ridge, this hill across such an open field of fire. Others knew it but why had our superiors given the order, was it the sense of pride and refusal to let the blue see us turn. My god what a mess I thought as I quickly scrambled for the stone wall, following close to our Generals lead. I felt the bullet slam into my side, damn not again, not again. I kept pushing forward and as I crossed the wall, our general waving his hat on his sabre saying who will follow me I felt my pride for him overflowing. I tried to quicken my pace as I heard her once more, “come home my love”. Crossing the wall finally, slicing with my sabre in one hand and pistol in the other I saw our beloved general fall. Oh No, noooo I shouted, Old Virginia fight, save our general. A young blue coat appeared before me, his musket raised and he pulled the trigger. I saw the look of shock upon his face when nothing happened. I saw other blue quickly surround our General, I looked back quickly to this yank in front of me, and hatred seemed to flow thru my entire body as with a wide swing I raised my sabre. I fired my pistol into him at the same time as my sabre arched down slicing into his body. I heard him somehow in the sounds of the battle cry out Mother as he fell and it was in that moment I realized he could not be more than 13 years of age. For the first time in this long deadly conflict it struck me, hit me hard that children were fighting, when they should be enjoying the dreams of pleasures of youth. “Come home my love” her voice reached me once more. Next I knew I was on the ground, slammed from behind as more men raced over top of me. I saw an officer for the federals race to our general and lower beside him, not in anger but trying to help him, saw our General pass to him a pocket watch and remember thinking this was odd. And then blackness as all turned dark. I’m not sure how long I laid there unconscious, I remember waking slowly feeling like the earth was crushing in on me, all was black as it was now night. I still heard the cries of the wounded, the pleading for mothers and fathers, and the crying. I realized bodies of dead were lying over top of me as I saw the forms of union blue moving about checking bodies. Somehow despite the pain in my side and back I found the strength to slowly crawl out from the carnage unnoticed.



Her voice still in my mind, the old ones joining her in saying come home. I carefully moved along the stone wall trying to not be seen. It seemed like a lifetime it took me to crawl before I felt safe enough in trying to rise and move toward the cover of the forest. I moved along slowly, carefully trying to block out the cries, the horror of what had happened. Home, I wanted to go home, Oh Gods I prayed for home but the visions of home in my head were not right. There was no farm, no parents, there were no armies, at least not the kind I knew in this field. There was high stone walls and mountains, towers off in the distance in this vision. There before me was a humble stone home with cooking pit outside, the stone circle off to the left for ceremonies. And there she was, beauty even in moonlight, her smile warming me and taking away the pain I felt. The vision passed as I heard movement to my right. Looking Expecting to be shot I saw a young boy, another blue coat, eyes wide in fright. I shook my head as I saw the blood pouring from his shoulder, heard the sounds of water in a nearby stream. I managed to say to him there is no fight, time to rest, time to go home. Taking hold of him we both managed to stumble to the stream, to lower down beside. I scooped water into my hands and passed to his lips trying to get him to drink. He was quite as we looked over each other, finally his gasping breath bringing forth the words, “Time to go home”.



Once more I was back in the forest with her arms still about me, once more my longing for her and the old ones so overwhelming. I kissed her softly and then felt myself led forward into the circle of those gathered. Felt the hands as each one reached out to touch me as if welcoming me back. So tired, so very tired I was as I slipped down to the furs with her and watched those gathered about begin to dance around the fires, their chanting, and singing filling the night sky. Lying back against her breast, her heart beat resounding in my ears comforting me. I close my eyes and drift back into the darkness, the peace of nothingness knowing at long last I can rest, knowing that with her, with them, I am home.



Alas it was still the dream, always the teasing of rest and her. Once more I am awakened to this world I am feeling more and more trapped in and out of sync with time. As I lay here staring up at the ceiling in the room I have locked myself within the tears flow. The overwhelming longing to be home setting its full weight upon me. I still hear her voice, feel her touch and the warmth of the fires, and hear the chanting and singing. I think over the words to an old song, “If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain unchanged, if I close my eyes forever, would it all still be the same”. Perhaps I am cursed, doomed to misery and suffering, sentenced to life after life of loneliness. Perhaps somewhere in the past I had done something so unforgivable I was condemned to this pain. Just like the old tales of the Flying Dutchman forever at sea for cursing God, perhaps too I am in his ranks. But no I still hear her voice, feel the whisper of her touch as if she is truly here with me. There is some other reason why I am still here cut off from them, something they want me to see, to learn perhaps.



I don’t know how long I lay there with the tears and thoughts flowing. Thru the window I could see the breaking of dawn of another day. I thought of this dream, of these visions, of those so close to me. At some point the thought came to mind that maybe, just maybe living is my curse. Day after day of unanswered questions, of being cut off from those that call out to me. Yes I am tired, more tired than perhaps I had ever realized, tired of living, tired of this life, oh how I long for it to end, to feel the cold grasp of death as it finally enfolds me within its embrace. Somehow I sense that will not happen for some time as yet, somehow I know that when it does I will be home with her and by the fires once more never to be pulled away from her again. But I am weakening, the pain that wracks my chest, my body physically gets worse day after day, the pain of being cut off from them only adding to the suffering. Day in and day out I await answers that never come, still follow along numerous paths that only lead to more waiting. Oh gods the thoughts, the questions, the longings just roll over and over in my head with no end. Finally I just roll over and cover my head choosing not to arise and once more am swept back to that forest path with her presence ever so near. Her voice beckons to me, follow my love, and follow us. Step by step I trudge along the path, looking here and there for them and as in each time the mist swirls about me and once more I am moving along thru the times.