If only....

The worst part of my life was from September 2011 till September 2012. I wish so badly that I could erase this part of my life. Things happened that affected my life terribly. The worst thing is that I am the one who is responsible for all that happened to me and my friends. I do not think that I will ever stop blaming myself for doing this to the ones I love. If I had been the only one to face the consequences, then I would have exonerated myself. But, my friends also suffered. They say that they have forgiven me, but there is only one way that I will forgive myself; if I do something for my friends that will change their life in a better way,something that would make them forget whatever I did. I wish I could turn back time and live my life again and never make those mistakes that turned my life upside down. But I shudder at the thought that what I have done is irreversible. There is a relief that no one is dead, but it could have happened.

The feeling that is killing me right now is that I am not that kind of person who would do the things that I did. I have no idea why I did it. I do not know how I got so mad. Sometimes, I felt that I was not in control of myself. I just let go of myself and I let things happen. All I wanted was freedom, but I got even more imprisoned. My family put me in a rehabilitation center after that incident. I lost all my feelings; love, hatred, anger, happiness, sadness. The only feeling that is left is guilt. There is nothing that I would not give to get rid of this feeling. I do not understand why my feelings are gone? Is it the result of all the events that led up to this situation in which I am right now? Or is it the effect of the medicines the doctors gave me in the rehabilitation center? They never told me why they are giving me those medicines. They did not even tell me the names of those medicines. I got out of there and stopped taking medicines five months ago, but I still have not got my feelings back. I hope the effect of medication wears off soon, if it is because of that. But if it is not the result of medication, then I have no idea how my feelings will return.

We do not know that something is really wrong, unless we do it. Sometimes, somewhere, someone is always reminding us that we are doing the wrong thing, but we keep on doing it until it is too late to stop. And now I am regretting it so much. If only I had listened, things would have been better. People say that it is not the end of the world and there is a whole life in front of me to make things better. I hope, that soon a time comes, when I would forget this phase of my life like it never happened and that I will never be reminded of it through nightmares.

I want to share this with someone, who was not affected by this episode. Someone, who I have never met. Someone, who will give me a sincere advice. Someone, who will tell me that everything is going to be fine. Whoever reads this, please, do tell me what I should do to fix everything.