This is a story I've been working on. I need feedback! |
In a Daze INTRO: You wake up, the past 5 months are a blur to you. You look around, and you see the bed beside you, which is empty but not made up. You see the Tv and the closed curtains on the windows. It's obvious you're in a Hotel. Your room is dark, and it's like you're in a daze. Your last memories are of you and your best friend ending up in a fight, and then weird things started happening. Now you don't know what you're doing here or why. IAD Part 1: You- *gets up and looks around the room* It's too dark to see anything. *You turn the lamp on and see 3 luggage bags in the corner of the room, two of which are not your's, but they look familiar to you. You go over to them and search your's and find clothes that could last a long time, and then you search the other two. You find clothes that look very much like your best friend's clothes, but if they were, then where is he/she? (I want you to feel like you are the person in the story, so your best friend is the opposite of what gender you are, or same, whichever you prefer.) You look back at the empty, messy bed and wonder if your best friend was the last one to sleep in it. There's a knock at the door, and you go to answer it and you find its one of the workers at the Hotel.* W- You have 24 hours to check out or you can come down to the front office and extend your stay. Y- Thanks, I'll come take care of the matter in a bit. W- Okay, have a nice day, Y! Y- You too! * Shuts door. * You are very confused at this point and still haven't found out why you are here, so you decide to go down to the Lobby and extend your stay until you find out what's going on. IAD Part 2: *You take a shower and dress, then you head down to the lobby. On your way to the elevator you don't hear and noises coming from any of the rooms. You look out the window at the end of the hallway and notice that you're in an old town, and not many people are walking the streets. You go to the elevator and travel to the lobby. On your way to the desk you still see no other guests. You walk up to the front desk and only see one worker, and it's the same one from earlier.* W- Hi again, Y! Will you be extending your stay? Y- Yes, I believe I will. W- Okay, I'll just add that to your bill. Y- Thank you, have a nice day. W- You're very welcome, have a nice stay. *You walk back up to the elevator and to your room. You still notice there is not a sound coming from anywhere, but as you are walking down your hallway, you pass another guest. You smile at her and continue walking. Once you get into your room, you notice a journal. You start to open it when you hear another knock at the door. When you answer, you see it's the same girl you smiled at in the hallway.* Girl- I know this seems strange, but I just noticed your room is just a couple rooms down from mine and I was wondering if I knew you, because you look very familiar. Y- I don't know if we know each other or not, but I feel like you are familiar as well. I can't seem to find my best friend. G- Oh, sorry to bother you, I hope you find your friend. *Walks down the hallway to her room.* *You shut the the door and sit around for a while just thinking, and all of a sudden you hear a scream from down the hall.* IAD Part 3: (Night time) *You run out of your room and look around, there's nobody out there. So you run down to the girl's room and bust through the door. She's just sitting there when you do, and she jumps and screams when you bust in.* G- What are you doing?!?!?!?!? Y- I heard screams, are you okay???? G- I'm fine, and I didn't scream. Are you okay? Why did you bust my door down instead of knocking? Now it's broken! Y- I thought you were in trouble, I was trying to help! G- I think you just need to get back to your room. Now I'm going to have to call the lobby for a new room. *About an hour later, you hear the door to the room beside you open and shut. You go and knock on the door, and the girl answers.* Y- I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was for busting in your door like that earlier. My name is (y/n). G- I suppose I can forgive you, my name is Ann. *You two shake hands and talk for a while, then you both get sleepy and part to your rooms.* *Your Dream: You're in a field, running. You don't quite know from who or what. All of a sudden, you fall, and can't breathe. You start squirming and can't move. Someone or something is attacking you, but you dont know what. It's like it's invisible. You finally get enough breath to scream, and you don't stop screaming. You're being shaken, and words are jumbling up in your head, getting louder and louder. You don't know what's happening. You hear your name being called, the voice is familiar. Then, you wake up to Ann telling you it's all a dream.* IAD Part 4: Y- What's going on?? A- You were having a bad dream, and I heard you screaming from my room, so I came over. Y- How did you get in my room? A- Your door was propped open. What was your dream about? Y- *Describes dream to Ann* A- Hold on let me get you a glass of water. *Comes back with some water* I have something to tell you... Only if you can keep a secret. Y- Of course I can, I have to tell you something too. A- Okay, well, I don't exactly know why I'm here. I woke up here a few days ago, and I dont remember what's happened in the past few months or weeks and I don't even really know what the date today is. I haven't noticed anyone else in this hotel either, and the town seems almost empty. Y- I have had that same experience! That's why I haven't left, yet. *Looks around and sees the journal from earlier.* I have that thing, that looks used, but I haven't had a chance to study it, yet. A- I have one of those too! Let me go get it! *Ann runs to her room to go get the Journal and returns.* Y- Maybe we have some of the same things going on... Let's check it out. *You and Ann start looking through your Journals and compare many regular notes looking like you're just scouting for sites to do something on, but you both aren't quite sure what. Then you both find the exact same entry in your journals: August 5th, 2011: I have been seeing the signs everywhere. I have been feeling like someone is plotting against us, like we should be moving faster through the towns we travel. Maybe we'll get away from it, maybe not. We just have to keep trying. Maybe it'll stop. *You and Ann look at each other and wonder why the entries are the same.* Y- I still dont know where my best friend is... Do you think there'll be anything in the journal about him/her? A- I don't know, but I'll be right back, I need to run to my room for a minute. *You wait about five minutes then you hear a scream, so loud it sounded like someone being murdered. Then, the fire alarm starts going off and so do the sprinklers. Your journals are getting wet, and you have to get your stuff, Ann, and get out of there.* * You grab everything and start running out and into Ann's room, but her stuff is gone and so is she. Her room is neat and clean, and no trace of her is to be found. You don't wait any longer and run down the emergency stairs and out the exit.* IAD Part 5: *You just ran out of the Hotel and the whole building is about to collapse. You're out of breath, and you're worried. You still have no idea what happened to your best friend, or what had now happened to Ann.* ???- Follow me. Y- Who's there? *You look around and see a shadowed figure with a black hoodie.* ???- It'd be best if you not know who I am. Just follow me. * You hear sirens off in the distance, but they're getting closer.* ???- Better hurry before you're blamed. *The stranger starts to run off.* Y- Blamed for what!!!? *The sirens are much closer now, so you decide to chase the stranger down the alley way.* ???- Hehehheeheheh. *There's laughter from all around, and an eerie humming, so you keep running. You finally reach a dead end. There's a fence in front of you, a trash can to your left and a sewer just below you.* ???- It's all your fault, you know. You're the reason they're dead. Y- I don't know what you're talking about! Who are you? Why are you doing this to me? Show yourself! ???- You always had doubts. About anything that anybody said. Why can't you see what you've done? You killed them. Y- Who?! What are you talking about?! *Suddenly, the stranger jumps down from a ledge above you that you hadn't seen, and is in your face. They hold a knife right over your heart and stare you down, daring you to move.* ???- You... Killed... Your best friend... You killed Ann. It's following you... And you've got no where to run now. * You look around and shadows are surrounding you. * Y- P..please... Let me go! *You start to cry, and your vision gets blurry.* ???- You know what you did!!!! * All of a sudden you hear the humming again over your loud cries and you're being taken. You are tied up, and beaten. The stranger puts duct tape over your mouth, and they open the sewer... They each go down, but a few, and then they begin to transfer you down below the surface.* ???- You'll never see daylight again. *Your vision goes black.* IAD Part 6: *Your vision is still black, but you start to regain conciousness. You hear murmuring in the distance, so you concentrate on that, but it's hard, considering you smell an awful smell.* Y(thoughts)- What happened? *you start to replay everything you remember from when you woke up at the hotel... Flash backs of the beating you took come to mind.* Y(t)- Oh yeah... the alley... Where am I? Did they actually put me in the sewers? What are they talking about? Why down here? *You feel a sharp pain in your side, and realize someone just kicked you, you cry out in pain.* ?- *murmurs* Awake. *You lay there untouched for a few more minutes, and then the blind fold you have on is taken off. There are people in a circle all around you, and you have no clue whats going on. You're still tied up.* ??- Do you know why you're here? Y- I do not. Why am I here? ??- You are the reason Ann and your best friend are dead. Did you know that? Y- I have no idea what you mean by that. Explain. * You're being brave. * ??- The Thing has been following you for quite some time, it found who you got along with, and killed them. It ate them, and used their bones for tooth picks. Y- And why do you think that? *The stranger throws down the two journals in front of you.* Y- What do those old things have to do with the lies you're telling me now? Ann escaped from the fire, that was it. She's gone now, how would you know if she were dead or not? ??- We don't know that for sure... but we do know your best friend is. Y- And how would you know that? Hmmm? ??- *Flips to a page and points to a passage you wrote* Because YOU recorded it happening in every single detail possible! IAD Part 7: *You let out a scream, unbelieving that you would do such a thing. You start to go mad, and are taken by a few people from the crowd. They inject you with something that will help you sleep, and you pass out.... A few hours later you wake up in a cell. It's dimly lit and you hear people all around you from different cells. Some are weeping, some are moaning, some are silent, and some are coughing.* Y- What's going on in here? Little girl- This is where all the crazies go. Y- But, none of you look crazy? You all just look sick and tired. LG- We tried to go against the Circle. So they declared us crazy, and stuffed us up in here. My mother died last week,and my brothers and sister died a month ago. My papa is part of the Circle. Loud Voice- Number 21; It's your turn for the treatment. *You look around and see a person get up, shaking. He walks into a room that has a blinking red light above it.* Y- The treatment? That's good right? They're helping their sick people? LG- Oh no... The treatment... It's very bad... *the girl starts tearing up.* They take you into the room, and we all out here hear the screams of torment... Then you dont come back out. You're gone. * Just then everyone turns to the door as they hear a loud masculine scream. * LG- He's gone. *She starts to cry.* IAD Part 8: *You are horrified. You start to move, but your leg is chained to the floor.* Y- What is the Circle, little girl? LG- It's an orga--organiz--organization of people all throughout our colony that have formed together to make sacrifices to the Thing. They mostly want to catch it, but to do so, they must have bait. That's what we're all for. Y- .... I see. What is your name? How old are you?? LG- I'm ten. My name is Lilac... But my mother used to call me Lil. Y- Okay, Lil... Where do they come from? To bring us down here? L- Through the same door you go through for the treatment. Y- Well, I want to escape, and I want to bring you with me. L- Oh no... It wouldn't work. Y- Why not? L- The Guards. They are the Circle's security. They're everywhere. Y- Seems you know a lot about this place, huh, Lil? L- Yes... I do. I used to be forced to clean. That was my designated job, chosen by the Circle. Y- Lil, I know you're scared, but if you help me and we get a few reinforcements... I just know we can get out of here! L- We might be able to... If you let me choose the people we take with us. I know the best of the best, and they all love me. Y- Okay, deal. * Your chain unlocks and comes off of your leg. * L- It's time to eat. * You follow the crowd. * IAD Part 9: *You follow the crowd into a large grey area. There are tables everywhere, and trays already set with goopy grey food. You dont know where to go.* *Lilac comes to you and tugs on your shirt. She leads you to a corner of the room and you both sit at that table.* L- You stay here and I can go gather up the others we need for whatever you're planning. Just sit and act natural. Whatever you do, don't whistle. * You sit and stare at your food for a while, then you hear the chairs screeching at your table. You look up and see 5 men, 2 women, and Lilac.* L- This is Cain, Kyle, Grayson, Carlos, Jim, Mary, and Sandy. * You look over their features carfully. Cain was short with curly red hair that came to his shoulders. He wore glasses, and had freckles everywhere. His eyes were almost emerald green. Kyle was tall and lanky. He had brown hair just past his ears. He had deep brown eyes. Grayson looked odd. He had jet black hair down past his shoulders. He wore a hoodie, and had his ears pierced in several places. His eyes were deep brown, almost black, and the expression he wore was none. He seemed almost emotionless. You looked on to Carlos, and he was very tan. His hair, bleach blonde, was slicked back. He was chewing on a toothpick, and his eyes were as blue as the sky on a clear day. All in all he was very handsome fellow, but seemed very mischievious. Jim was different from all the rest. He was dark skinned, and big. He had giant muscles and a toned mid-section. He was about 6'5, because he was tall even when sitting. Mary had Multi-colored hair. She had blue eyes with yellow around the iris. She looked smug but experienced. She also had a scar on her jaw. Sandy had sandy blonde hair, which was very wavy. She, too, wore glasses, like Cain. Her eyes were a warm hazel color. She looked very anxious.* Y- This looks like a pretty good team Lil. L- Thanks. Now, what's the plan? Y- I dont quite know yet. J- Well you better start thinkin'. We don't have much time left. They're starting with the groups soon. Y- The groups? L- That's the part of night where they bring groups into the treatment room. They 'treat' them all at once. Y- Then we have to hurry. *Then there are red lights flashing on the walls, and a loud siren starts wailing. Everyone at the table looks around, startled. Then, the Guards start to file in and make a line to a small podium... The sirens stop, and you see a small figure in a yellow hooded robe walk in between the line of Guards. The person gets up on the podium, and everyone rises. They pull down the hood, and you can't believe your eyes... It's Ann!* IAD Part 10: *Ann looks around the room. Everything is silent. She looks every person in the eye, and gets to you last. You both lock eyes and you see shock, then excitement in her.* A- People of the Great Colony! I have come forward today, to tell you of our new arrival. *She points her finger right at you.* This person, is an aquaintance of mine. You shall address them as Officer. *She motions for you to come to her.* Come forth. *You look around, not sure what to do... You are lightly pushed by Carlos, so you begin to walk up to the podium. A- Officer, this is the Great Colony! We are the one who lurk beneath the surface. Please, introduce yourself, tell us some of your story. *You step up on the podium, and two short men with pink hair come up to you and attach a small microphone to your shirt... You clear your throat and the microphone squeals... Then it stops. You look at everyone, and you see how sick they all look, how pale, and scared. You look at your new team... They each give you a look that says, 'Don't be a fool.'* Y- I... am Officer. I have recently caught amnesia, lost my best friend, had to run out of a burning building, been captured by some psychopaths, beaten--*The Guards start to move in, but Ann stops them, never taking her eyes off of you.*--Thrown in a sewer, and have been accused of murder. I was then thrown in here... I dont know why, or by who--*The Guards and Ann look a little more relieved to discover you did not know about the Circle.*-- But what I do know, is that when I find out... I'm going to get the information I have about my best friend, and then I'm going to kill them. *Everyone starts murmuring.* Thank you. Ann- *Starts laughing* Hahaha, thank you Officer! My guards will now show you to your room! *The Guards start to move in on you.* Y- Thank you Miss, but that will not be necessary. I plan to stay with the people. To show them we're here to help, right? A- Ermm... *She begins to look nervous, but only for a short moment, then she smiles widely.* Of course !!! That would be wonderful! This orientation is now over, you all have ten minutes to finish your food, and return to your... place of residence. Long live the Great Colony! *The Guards shout Long live the Great Colony! as well, and surround Ann to escort her back to wherever she goes. You return to your table and everyone shouts with joy!* J- You did great, kid! C/s- Yeah, it was real cool.. C/n- I agree. L- So have you come up with a plan? Y- The perfect one. I'll explain everything, tomorrow. Goodnight everybody! *You head back to your cell, walking with Lil.* [The next morning] *You wake up, and survey your surroundings. Everything seems normal, except Lilac is gone.* IAD Part 11: *You get up and look around more, to make sure you haven't overlooked Lil anywhere... You don't see her anywhere-- you start to panic-- then the cells all open. You follow the crowd to the cafeteria... Once you get your food, you head to the table, everyone else is there, and they don't notice you until you sit down.* J- Hey, where's Lil? Y- I was hoping you guys would know! I woke up this morning and she was gone. J- I bet it's the Circle... I think they know we've started a team. Maybe they took her as a message? To us? C/s- I swea' if dey did sum'tin to Lil, I'll kill 'em. Rip dere heads right off! * You could see Carlos cared for Little Lilac like a sister.* Y- Where do you think they'd keep her? M- Maybe in the testing rooms. They could make her think they're doing something to her. Everyone knows they really wont, though. Y- Why not? S- Because they want her in the Circle. She's a genius. Y- So they aren't going to hurt her? J- Most likely not, but we need to rescue her. Today is Sunday, so we get a little sunlight today... Theres an old glass building down the street that we get to stand under, we can try to escape then. We have about an hour. Y- That's perfect!!! But... Lil is the only one who knows her way around here like the back of her hand. G- That's not true...*Everyone stares at Grayson, he'd never spoken before, and his voice was deep and smooth like velvet.* Y- You know around here? G- *Nods* Y- Well great!!! At Recess, we'll stay around for about 20 minutes and stay in a place, we'll act natural, then we'll go for the nearest exit. C/n- What about the Guards? J- Don't worry about that. Mary and I got it covered, right Mary? *She nods.* Y- Excellent, then we'll get started as soon as our 'recess' begins. Let's get Lil, and get out of here! *Everyone at the table horrays in joy, except for Grayson, of course.* IAD Part 12:*Thirty minutes pass, and everyone gets what they need from their cell. Recess is about to begin,and the team meets up back at the cafeteria.* Y- Okay, everyone know what we're doing? Is anyone unsure about this, because it'll be too late to back out once it starts. *You say this because Sandy looks anxious.* S- Guys... I don't think I can do this... I'm backing out. I'm sorry. I love little Lil.. But... I just can't do this. I'm not going to risk my life just for some stupid escape plan that wont work. Y- Okay, Sandy. That's fine. I hope to see you in the future. S- Bye guys. *Sandy goes back and disappears into a large crowd.* Y- Anyone else? *Everyone stares straight into your eyes saying they're all set, and not backing out.* C/s- Dat Sandy girl, y'know? I had a bad feelin' about hers, anyway. I knew she wouldn't last. Y- Well we've only lost two people.. but one we're going to save. *The Recess doors open and sunlight shines through. Everyone squints. You all move to an exit that nobody is near, and huddle up. The Guards are watching you all intently.* Y(whispers)- All right we'll wait here for about 15 minutes and act natural, then when the Guards have lost their suspicion, we'll move in. Y-Alright! Who brought the playing cards? M- I did! *You all sit in a circle and play cards for a while, laughing and poking fun at each other. Then you gradually start to scoot closer to the Guards, but they seem pretty out of it, so they aren't paying attention.* Y(w)-Okay, Mary, here's your chance... Go up to them and just start talking, and distract one of them, the about a minute later, Cain, you do the same to the other. Jim will come up behind your guy and attack, then Carlos will get Mary's Guard. You all ready? When they're down, we'll grab drag them through the exit with us and take their clothes. They wont be needing them in their next life, anyway. Work this like an assassaination plan, swift and silent. *Everyone nods.* Let's go! *Mary walks up to the first Guard and starts asking many questions about becoming a Guard and if he likes what he does. She laughs and twirls her hair to get more of his attention. -- Cain comes up about two minutes later to the other Guard and gets into a conversation with him about nuclear wars and if we'd be protected so close to the surface... The Guard says probably not. -- Jim finally comes up with Carlos at his side, and they pull out their knives. They quickly get rid of the Guards. -- Nobody is looking, so the team hurries through the door with the Guards. You take the clothes of them both and put them on Jim and Carlos-- They look just like Guards.* Y- Okay lets get going. Jim, Carlos, You take me and Mary by the arm, and Cain, you'll be in front beside Grayson, since he's leading the way, if anyone sees us and catches us, tell them we were called for test subjects, and laugh like we're pathetic. *Everyone understands* *You all get in formation, and begin walking.* Guards from behind- Oy! What do you think you're doing?! IAD Part 13:*Jim and Carlos turn around* Guards- You guys missed the meeting! What are you doing with all of these people? J- *Clears throat* They were called to be test subjects. G/ds- Really? This many? Man, Ann is getting crazy, I'm tellin' ya. Okay, then. You go take them to the testing room, we'll watch your post! See ya! J- Thank you. * Jim and Carlos turn around * Move!! * You all move awawy from the Guards. Grayson leads you all through dark hallways and winding staricases. Finally, you get to the testing room. There's a window on the wall, so you can see into it... You see Lil in the back! She looks like she's asleep, but she's strapped into the bed. * Y- Grayson, we have GOT to get in there! I mean right now! * He just stares at you, daring you to try... You don't move. * G- You cant just waltz in there, you dummy. You have got to think things through. I thought you had a plan! Y- I did! But I lost it when I saw Lil... Let me think. * You go into a corner... * * Everyone is in a group ecxept you. Cain comes out of the group and slowly enough comes towards you to where you don't notice-- nobody else notices either. He grabs you from behind, covers your mouth with his hand and drags you off... It takes the group 5 minutes before they notice. * IAD Part 14: *You would think that being blindfolded and dragged away would be something you're used to by now---it isn't. You can finally see now, but just barely. You're in a dimly lit room. There are torches on the wall, but only three. The floor, from what you see, is white, and there's some liquid on the floor a short distance away.You begin to get up, but can not. Your legs are strapped to the feet and your wrists are strapped to the arms. You can see there's something around the top of your head. You here a buzzing sound up above you, then the lights flicker on. The room is bright and white... except for the liquid you saw earlier. It's a thick red substance, almost like blood! The door on the opposite side of the room opens up and a tall man with gray hair and glasses comes in. He's got on a doctor's outfit that's pure white that looks like it's got blood splattered on it. He walks over to you and examines you. He smells like bleach and cheap cleaning supplies... and blood. He sees you watching him, then he gets a small syringe and fills it with a green liquid. He comes over to you and you start squirming, but it doesn't phase him. He sticks you, and injects the liquid, and you're out again. Back into the darkness.* . |