Tales From The Crypt Keeper

Sending Mail: It has come to my attention that the youth of today don't write anymore...almost never. Last year I was working as a manager of a team of close to 30 employees at an advertising company, most of whom were under the age of 30. One of the regular tasks that my employees would have to perform was to send snail-mail to our clients. I went up to one of them one day, handed them an invoice and an envelope and said "Can you please mail this to the client?". The look that I got was priceless. It was almost as if I had asked this person to explain the theory of relativity, or go into great detail about the origins of Tagalog, or solve a quadratic equation. "Really?" I said as soon as I realized that they had absolutely no clue how to send a piece of mail.

Call me an old man, its fine, I am fully aware that I am outdated. I still buy music on compact discs and play them in cd players. I can just hear the young fuckers right now, hahahaha, Old Man Zooly doesn't know how to download movies or burn music. Yes, its true, I am an outdated savage, but at least I know how to mail something you greasy little shit.

Celebrity Sightings: In today's celebrity obsessed culture, you would think it would be refreshing for celebrities, when they are treated like actual humans rather than some god-like figure. Perhaps this is not always the case. I was staying in a tiny shoebox apartment in Tokyo many moons ago, and all I had for entertainment was a couple of pre-recorded VHS tapes with some episodes of the Simpson's, some Family Guy, and some movies. One of which was the Talented Mr. Ripley starring Jude Law and Matt Damon. I made it all way through most of the movie when I realized that this recording was incomplete. It basically cut off right towards the end where the plot unravels. Such a drag. As luck would have it, a few nights later, I found myself extremely intoxicated at a shitty, run-down, Tokyo watering hole...Guess who decides to show up to the party? Yup, Jude Fucking Law. Now I'm not someone who generally gives two shits about celebrities, but this chance encounter had peaked my interest, solely because I wanted to find out how the movie ended, and I figured who better to ask then the guy that was actually in said movie. I made my way over to his table, explained my plight, and asked how the movie ended. He seemed generally pissed off that I had the audacity to ask this ridiculous question. At first I thought he was offended because I was loaded, but I was able to cross that theory off of my list because I am generally quite the jovial drunk, I don't get belligerent (more than normal anyhow), I am still able to speak clearly no matter how many drinks I've had, and I'm generally just a good time waiting to erupt. Based on this premise, I have come to the conclusion that the only possible reasons why Big Bad Jude wouldn't answer my questions is because; He didn't even know how the movie (that he starred in) ended, he was offended by me because I didn't shower him with praise, or he just plainly did not like the cut of my jib. Either way, its one of those mysteries that will just have to remain unsolved, kind of like the Caramilk Secret or the Kennedy Assassination. I promised myself from that day forward, that I will never rent the movie to find out the ending, nor will I promote or endorse anything involving Mr. Law.

To this day, if anyone ever asks me the question "What do you think of Jude Law?" My response will automatically default to "Fuck Jude Law, he's such an asshole!"

In summary, I know I speak for only myself when I say that I've really had a wonderful time with myself today. I really feel as though I've covered some good issues, got some things off my chest, turned over a couple stones, took a few bites of the forbidden fruit, I looked today right in the eye socket and said "Bring it on Tough Guy", I may have even swerved left when I probably should've taken a hard Reggie, and truth be told, when all the dust settles, I genuinely feel like I've written down one big, steamy, heaping pile of excrement for the world to marinate in.

Run-on sentences? Yes please, I'll have a couple of those.

Until next time...