Enough

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with finding the reason why I exist and the worth of my existence. As a little girl, I knew I was different from the other kids, but I desperately wanted to be accepted so I conformed as best as I could to be pleasing and loved. I was always too hyper and too loud. I wasn't dainty enough to be a dancer or agile enough to do gymnastics. I was good at most things but not good enough to be great at any one thing.
Singing has always been a passion of mine, but with that passion comes great remorse. I have this voice that I love to use to sing whatever I can, but I'm terrified to share it by myself. When I share it in a group, I am not afraid of what I sound like. However, when I sing by myself, I become immediately embarrassed. Karaoke makes my hands sweat and my face burn, and I rarely can face a crowd when I do get the guts to sing. This stems from a feeling that it may sound good, but it's just not good enough. I'm just a copycat, not a star.
I always feel like this mediocre and mundane creature just drifting along. You don't tell your friends things like this. That being said, I have confided my inadequacy to a few trusted friends. I think they understand and that they even can relate and sympathize, but I don't think I can ever convey the depth of how I feel.
The despair at not feeling like enough is always right under the surface. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I have friends, a loving husband, sweet children, yet still can't find it in myself to believe that I matter. It pains me to admit that I'm so flawed. I try to push these feelings away and forget them. They don't creep up quite as often as they used to, but that's only because I've got them locked up behind closed doors.
This feeling of insecurity leaves me in a constant battle with myself. I want so desperately to leave an impression and be someone that people can look up to, but I feel like such a collossal failure. Why would anyone want to look up to me? What do I do that's great? Nothing. A lot of good things but nothing great ever sticks out in my mind.
People try to say that being a mother is a great thing, but I think that's only if you're a great mother. I'm not that. I'm a good mother and I love my girls, but I'm not great. It is my biggest fear that I'm dooming them to becoming like me. I am trying my hardest to instill confidence and to encourage them that their dreams matter and that they can do anything, but is it enough? I just don't know. I hope to one day look back at my life and feel a sense of contentment and peace with all I've done. Someday I hope to admit to myself that I'm..... enough.