I'm not really this unhappy

Loneliness and sadness all around me.

Who would want me, who would want someone who can’t have children? That is why he found someone else, a woman who functioned properly, like women are supposed to.

I had said it, the secret I couldn’t tell anyone for fear of giving away the true depth of my self-loathing, my sense of my own worthlessness.

I feel like a hand is squeezing my heart. I believed it, I was certain that nobody would want me.

You built your new life and I carried on my existance. It hurt to be treated that way, like a mistake, like something someone is trying to erase. She's your clean slate. I'm the baggage, the kid you can abandon by the roadside because it's convenient.

The years passed and you came back into my life again. I was wearing my mask of happiness. I don’t know if you saw through it now or if you were just trying your luck. I had this awful feeling that if you came too close to me I would just put my head on your chest, close my eyes and just stay there. And that wouldn’t do.

Thoughts of newness and hope filled me. I spent as much time as I could thinking about you, being with you and touching you. Then you ripped yourself away from me, that’s what it felt like. It felt like a part of me was being cut off. I had been reminded that this was just a temporary respite, that sooner or later I was going to have to go back to reality. Face it all

A song, a song makes me cry when I couldn't even summon a tear for my best friends funeral. What does that say about me? I'm devastated, it's the best kind of devastation there is. I can't begin to explain things to you. I can't begin to explain it to myself.

I’m facing it all now. I’m facing it all, more alone that I have ever been in my life. I’ve lost you and I have lost my best friend.