Kidnap

I can't believe it. What the hell is going through her head? I thought we were past all this now? I sigh heavily and stand, looking around the hotel room for something to distract me, something to do to just calm down and relax. I don't want to call you, to talk to you again in this mood. You're driving me crazy though. We met in person for the first time two days ago, for coffee in a small cafe.

Looking back, I'm still surprised at how intense that meeting was. No initial awkwardness, as I swept you into my arms for a long, tight hug. Pulling back after, my arms still around your slender waist as I stared into your eyes, smiling so hard I wonder how my face didn't crack. Standing at the doorway of the cafe like that until our reverie was interrupted by the polite cough of an elderly man trying to leave the cafe. You said something brief to him in Dutch which was probably an apology, I was still too overwhelmed by meeting you to pay much attention. As we moved and he made his way past us, I slipped my arm around your waist and we strolled inside. The tables were small and square-topped with a chair either side, and we sat facing each other. For a meeting that we had originally planned as 30 minutes over a coffee, it didn't turn out that way. Almost two hours later and as the cafe staff were beginning to tidy up around us and the few remaining other customers, we were still there lost in each other, hands joined across the table as we talked in low voices.

I've never known anything like that with anyone else. We talked, we teased gently, we laughed and joked, we alluded to memories of loving moments and moments of passion we had shared online over more than 5 years. All the while I felt this undercurrent, this  - oh, I can't describe it now anymore than I could then - this feeling that we were meant to be together, but so much more, that we had always been meant for each other, that everything else had been a step towards this. It was a revelation, an epiphany, a true eureka moment for me, that left me shaken in its intensity.

And in your eyes, as I hoped you'd see in mine, love, so much love.

Then you had to go. You had arranged a babysitter for the afternoon without telling me, and had given yourself more than the time we had originally planned. I can honestly say I'd never been more grateful for anything than that extra 90 minutes in your company. We parted outside the cafe with a long, close hug and a tender kiss that ran the risk of becoming something much more before we pulled away, neither of us wanting to, but knowing that right now, just now, we had to.

I walked back to my hotel. I think I walked back to my hotel. I don't remember getting a taxi anyway. I was in a daze, or… or something… it was like being high on a particularly potent drug, euphoric, the whole world and everything in it seemed brighter, there was nothing, no problem that I couldn't solve, nothing I couldn't overcome.

The next day you were unavoidably working late, and we exchanged a couple of emails but no other contact was possible. And now today, an email from you. Backing away from me. Again. I know why, and I understand it, but I'm not going to accept it. I know you love me, maybe even as much as I love you. Maybe more, though it's hard for me to conceive of that possibility. I'm not going to let you walk away, and the only thing I can think of -

Standing at the full-length mirror, I smile grimly. Okay then. If that's what it takes.

Three hours later, I'm sitting in a dark silver grey rented BMW 540 at the exit that I'm most sure you'll take when you come from the Vondelpark, where you were planning to go for a run this afternoon. I'm leaning back in the seat window down, my arm resting on the sill, watching everyone who comes from the park via this exit. I wait, and wait … and wait. If I were doing this for any other reason or any other person I'm pretty sure I'd fall asleep. I should be bored but I'm not, my heart is pounding so hard in my chest, and there's a light sheen of sweat on my forehead. I've never done anything like this in my life. Not that I haven't daydreamed about it, but I never thought it would come to this.

Finally, I see you. You're strolling from the exit, looking like you've had a good hard run, that kind of glow that comes from healthy exertion. I'm transfixed for a moment, can't move, seeing you there in the sunlight, so beautiful to me, everything I've ever wanted.

This is going to be so fucking hard.

I turn the car in the ignition and rev the engine. Punching my fist against the car horn, I let out a loud blast, making people around me jump, but successfully getting your attention. You recognise me behind the wheel of the car and look confused for a moment, then I see a flash of anger cross your face before the expression is wiped clean and in its place, just coldness. You stroll to the car window, your eyes never leaving mine as my heart pounds painfully in my chest so hard I can hear it in my ears.

"Ru."

"Myra", I manage a strained smile. "Get in, please. We need to talk, let's just go around the corner, where I can pull in somewhere a bit more quiet."

Nothing. You just look at me.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit! This is going to be a fucking nightmare. "Okay then, if that's the way you want it, Myra. Let's talk here." You step back as I open the car door and step outside. "One sec" I say, opening the back door. "Way too stuffy on a day like today, I might as well air out the car while we talk." My words drift away as you take a step back, suspecting something. Fuck! I made a sudden grab, catch your hards and yanking you to me, loop the cable tie around your thumbs and pull it tight, stifling a scream as your foot lashes out and catches my shin. I spin you by your arm, put my hands on your lower back and ass and almost throw you head first into the back seat of the car, immediately pinning your legs and reaching forward to shove a rag in your mouth. As I climb from the back of the car, I catch another blow from your flailing feet, this time on my shoulder and I swear out loud, "For fucks sake, Myra! This is me, you're not going to get fucking hurt." Giving up any chance of tying your feet, I make sure they're out of the way and slam the back door of the car, after checking that the child lock is on.

I quickly climb back into the drivers seat, put on my seat belt, and floor the accelerator, missing a passing cyclist by millimeters. Slowing down, I let the GPS guide me on the route I'd planned earlier to the back of the hotel, trying to ignore your muffled enraged shouting from the back of the car. It takes me 22 minutes to get back to the hotel, to the service entrance. I turn around, facing you over the back of the drivers seat, and speak calmly, coldly.

"Listen to me, Myra. This is going to happen whether you cooperate or not. You know I won't give up. It can be easy or hard, but hard is going to take longer and you're going to be here until we're done. I'm going to talk to you, and you're going to listen. If you want to talk to me, you'll have your chance. I'm going to let you out of the car now, and we're going to take the back elevator and go to my suite. You're going to be quiet until we get there, or the rag stays in your mouth. Are we clear?"

You glare at me from the back seat, more angry than afraid, holding my gaze for more than a minute before you eventually nod your head slowly.

"Good", I reach behind and pull the rag from your mouth and you cough dryly. Lifting a bottle of water from the front passenger seat, I open it, take a mouthful myself, and hold it to your lips. You try to bring up your tied hands to take the bottle, but the position you're in makes it impossible. You drink slowly from the bottle though I can see in your eyes that your pride is hurt and that one way or another, I'm going to suffer for this latest indignity.

When you've drunk your fill of the water, I close the bottle and drop it back on the seat beside me, take off my seatbelt and leave the car, opening the back door by your head, reaching my arms under your shoulders and lifting you out, setting you on your feet. You continue glaring at me, not saying a word. Matching your silence with my own, I lock the car, take you by your arm and lead you to the freight elevator. As I press the button to call the elevator, you turn your head to me and spit a stream of water into my face, turning to run while I let go of you and cover my eyes. I lash out with my foot, barely catching your ankle and sending you sprawling. Before you can return to your feet I'm on you, knee in the center of your back and pinning you down, hand on the back of your neck. You open your mouth as if to scream or call for help and I quickly pull the rag from my pocket and stuff it back into your mouth.

I stand, resting my foot in the small of your back to prevent you from rising to your feet and unbuckle my belt, slowly drawing it from the loops in my jeans and doubling it over, flicking it in the air with a loud, flat crack! You freeze, completely motionless. Grabbing a handful of your hair, I guide you to your feet. I can feel you shaking and it's all I can do not to hug you and try to comfort you, free you and walk away. I don't want to hurt you. You turn to look at me, and I can tell you've sensed my hesitation, my conflict. There's a softening in your gaze and I see a glimmer of your love for me for a moment before you shrug my hand of you and walk to the elevator yourself. It feels like I've lost a little of the initiative, of the power in the situation, as you make your own decision to listen to what I have to say, in spite of all of this.

I've never been so proud of anyone in my entire life than I am of you at this moment. We step into the elevator and the doors close behind us.

In the elevator you turn your back to the back wall, facing the door. You don't say a word, looking straight ahead. Somehow that's harder for me even than when you fight me. I struggle to hold it together, to keep the calm, cold expression on my face. I'm trying to keep it together, do what I have to do, but I can see it all spiraling out of control and the doubts begin to infiltrate my thoughts. I begin to wonder if I'll ever see you again after today.

The elevator arrives at the 6th floor and the doors slide open. "Room 604", I say to you and step over the threshold into the corridor, standing to one side as you follow, falling into step slightly behind you and to your left. We walk to the end of the corridor and exit via a grey fire door into another corridor, carpeted this time and brighter. Silently proceeding down the corridor to my suite at the end on the right, I wish again and again in my head that you would speak, say anything at all, but nothing. Not a word. In almost five years, we've never been like this. There have been anger and recriminations when things have been bad, tears and sadness, but never this awful silence.

We reach the door and I step up, slipping the keycard from my jacket pocket and swiping it in the door. The light flashes green, I turn the handle and push the door open, holding it for you to enter ahead of me. I smile faintly at your reaction to the huge, bright, well decorated room. It is impressive, I'm renting it for that reason. I wanted something that you would not just like, but absolutely love. I stand still for a moment, watching you look, take in everything, your eyes pausing their movement for a moment on the closed double doors to the bedroom.

Eventually, you turn back to me, no expression on your face. "So?" you ask. "You want to say something to me, say it."

I silently remove the cable tie from your thumbs, freeing your hands. "Sit down" I say, indicating two chairs by the window as I walk to one of them, and ease myself into it. You stay where you are, looking at me. "Myra, please. It'll make it easier if we sit and at least make an effort to relax and listen to each other." You walk over as if to comply, then slowly and deliberately, while looking straight at me sit on the floor, legs tucked beneath you. I sigh. "Fine", I mutter. "Have it your own way."

I close my eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and looking down into my lap at my fidgeting hands, begin to talk.

"There was once a guy who, while very dominant in some areas of his life, was very messed up and insecure in others. He'd been in several failed relationships, and while he always tried to stay positive about things, never had found what he really wanted in life; a partner whom he respected, whom he loved and whom he felt comfortable enough with to just be himself, and to open up to. And eventually, he settled for second best and got married to keep someone else happy. That didn't work either, and he gave up on love for a long time.

Then he discovered online chat, and started spending more and more time on there, meeting some interesting people, but it still always seemed so temporary, so transient. He could spend a month talking to someone every day and then suddenly they would be gone without a word, or would just decide that they'd found someone more interesting."

I look down into your face, you're listening with your eyes closed and paying attention… the coldness, the anger not visible anymore. I wonder if this is how you've been when I have read to you online. I almost reach out to touch you, but I'm afraid to break the spell of this moment. I sigh softly and continue.

"One day… one day online, he meets this woman who blows him away, sets his imagination on fire. He can't get enough of her, and nor it seems can she of him, they just seem to connect. They stay up late, night after night, tired the next day at work but doing it again anyway, finding new energy in each other, taking an hour to say goodnight because it's so hard to tear themselves away, even knowing that they will see each other the following day. They fight sometimes, she works online too and spends time doing that and he is too demanding, wanting her time, wanting to always be her highest priority… not realising that online, he already is."

Your eyes open at this last line, looking up at me for a moment. I smile softly, but get no further reaction.

"After a while, he falls for temptation, she finds out, and she leaves him with this other girl, who is a good person, genuine and kind, but still not enough, not her! Though he tries and tries to make it work, he can't help making the comparison between the two of them. In the end, the new girl and he part as friends. He's still missing his lost love, but he doesn't dare to contact her, is afraid of the contempt he believes she has for him now. He starts going online less and less but he can't forget her, and every day he regrets what he did.

Some months later, he gets a message when he is logged in. It's her! She's saying hi, and she's not angry, not contemptuous of him, she's kind and sweet and… "

I stop, because I can feel it welling up inside me, this bloody treacherous emotion. It… fuck it… I've screwed everything up, and now I can't even finish what I want to say. I sit there in misery for a minute… two… You say nothing, but I feel your hand on mine as you take it in both of yours, running your thumb gently, soothingly along the back of it. I take a few deep breaths and try to get myself under control, before continuing.

"There's so much more I could say, but you know the rest. We've got a connection that I have never seen between any other two people. I love you so very much and I know you love me, you've told me, you've showed me in a million different ways and we will always have something, some connection between us, and it will always be hard for us to see the other with someone else because we were MADE to be together. Don't pull away now when we're so close. Give it time to really work. Now that we've met face to face and the connection is still there, we still feel it as strong as ever, just let it work, please!"

I look into your eyes, watch your face, your expression. "I'd planned to say so much to you and none of it seems important now. A lot of it was what I've said to you before, in the past. It doesn't make it any less true or any less important though. I will love you until the day I die and I will never give up on you. Please stick with me, and with us. Together we are amazing, we can do anything, get through anything."

You let go of my hand and climb to your feet, standing in front of me, looking down at me. "You kidnapped me! You scared the shit out of me and this is why?! How DARE you! I have always stuck with you, always come back to you, EVERY time and you know it!" You're shaking with anger now, leaning in over me with your finger in my face. I try to stand but you're too close and you're not backing away. I push the chair back with my feet, giving myself more space and get to my feet. Suddenly we're almost face to face and I'm looking straight into your eyes, for a moment I'm convinced you're going to slap me but I stand my ground almost daring you to hit me.

"I'm asking you to give me a real chance here. I'm not going to accept that you've always come back in the past, I want you to give me a real chance now. Not give up and maybe come back some time in the future. This isn't the fucking Internet anymore, it's real life."

I lean forward and kiss you, pressing my lips hard against yours and encircling your waist with my arms. You freeze for a moment, and I have enough time to think that this might actually defuse this screaming match before I feel an explosion of pain as your fist hits me in the stomach. I gasp and step back as I double up, winded for a moment, coughing. When I look up, you're glaring at me and standing back a few steps… out of reach.

Oh fuck this.

I make a move towards you and your hands come up as I hoped for. Grabbing you by your wrists, I spin you around and quickly force you forward against the desk in the center of the room, pushing you hard down over it. My hand on the center of your back holding you down while you struggle, I whip the belt from my pocket, where I had stowed it earlier, folding it over and without warning, bring it sharply down with an audible crack on your shapely ass. You gasp in shock and surprise and I pull my arm back and do it again, a faster swing and a harder crack against your ass. A third, fourth and fifth strike follow quickly before I stop.

"Now" I say, a little out of breath. "Consider yourself lucky that I didn't pull down your shorts first." I step back, lowering my arm. Before I can react, you're standing, spinning to face me and your knee is coming up hard and fast. It's all I can do just to turn and take the force of it with my thigh muscle. Fuck, it hurts! I lash out to kick your legs from under you, but you're too fast and I get another kick for my efforts. A stalemate now: if you come within reach I can grab you, but I'm standing between you and the door. At the moment though, that doesn't seem to be your biggest concern. I run at you and narrowly miss getting your running shoe between my legs, but I'm closer now and as you back away a little to give yourself room to kick, you're backing into a corner.

I stride after you, forcing you back into the corner, and slap away your next attempt at a kick with the belt. Next moment, I'm again face to face with you. You can't escape, without climbing over the arm of a couch and I'd catch you doing that. I push you into the corner, my hand on your throat, my legs between yours, looking into your eyes once more. I'm breathing hard, but angry too. "I love you" I say in a voice strangled by anger and fear. "I did what I had to fucking well do. I'm not some fucking little idiot that's going to sit there and wait for things to work out or not, I'm going to do something about it. Yeah, maybe it took me a long time to realise I couldn't just wait for something to happen by itself, but at least I'm fucking doing something."

I press my lips to yours again, expecting nothing. As I pull my head back, I can feel you begin to respond to my kiss, kissing me back, pressing into me… dropping the belt on the floor, I slide my hands into your hair, holding you to me, kissing you, sucking your tongue, your lips, my heart pounding and breathing coming in short gasps. Your hands are on my back, pressing me against you, sliding up and down, scratching through the thin fabric of the t-shirt. Your fingernails scraping down my back to the hem of my t-shirt, sliding up under it on the bare skin of my back, scratching my skin and driving my desire for you to even greater heights.

With a Herculean effort of will and against everything my body is telling me, I pull back, pushing your hands away from me gently. Taking deep breaths to bring my pounding heart under control, I stand out of your reach. The frustration and confusion competing on your face and the way you almost reach toward me before realizing that I'm not just playing, not just teasing, almost breaks my will… almost makes me go to you. I sigh shakily, and stand up straight, looking back at you. "Not like this, Myra." God, my voice comes out strong and calm and in control in spite of the turmoil, the raging fires in my head. Words from an employee review I had at a previous job come back to me: "excels in a crisis". You're not fucking kidding, I think and almost smile. I shake my head to clear the thoughts and look straight into your eyes. "We're not finished here today and no matter how much you or I want to, we're not going to make things more complicated until we fix this."

No coldness in your face now, the frustration has flipped over into red-hot anger mixed with… something. I don't know yet, but I'm going to find out. I back away, finding my chair again and sit in it as you find your voice and shout "Fuck you, Ru. You don't bring me here and treat me like this, who do you think you -"

"Shut up", I say calmly. You stop in mid-sentence and blink, surprised maybe at my tone and more aware of the situation again, you here, kidnapped and alone with me. It doesn't last though, within seconds you're taking a breath, ready to tell me exactly what you think of me right now. I don't wait. Snapping my fingers, I point at the floor in front of my chair. "Since you enjoy sitting on the floor so much, you can get back there. Come here." Still that anger on your face, but that something else too, that something that is so intriguing and gives me hope that we might just come out of this with our relationship intact, that we might survive today as a couple, that I mean more to you than … I let the thought drift off and raise my hand, snapping my fingers and pointing at the floor in front of my chair once more.

I speak slowly, calmly to you in a low voice. "Myra. Today, I have committed a serious crime that could end in a hell of a lot of jail time for me. I've taken huge risks, including the risk that you will never speak to me again, that I'll never see you again, and after all this time you know how much that means to me. I love you. I will do whatever is necessary to show you that I will not give up on you, but … " I pause and you look back at me, apparently not expecting this "but". I meet your gaze, unsmiling, exuding the seriousness of this from every pore in my body. "But" I resume, "I will not allow you to give me up either. And - before you consider arguing with me - that means also that I will not let you back away anymore either. I want you to make a commitment to try to make this relationship work. Today."

You open your mouth to speak and I shake my head. "I want that commitment from you. But… ", I fold my hands in my lap and continue, "I don't want you to tell me. I want you to show me. I'm not going to tell you how. You are smart, you can figure it out. It's not going to be easy for you to do, you have to really want it. And then I'll truly know you're mine." I keep my eyes on you, watching your face, watching the conflict, your pride, your reluctance to be told what to do, ordered around like this, you of all people. You, strong and independent enough to go though all of the shit you've been through and come out the other side still able to laugh. And then suddenly, something changes. The tension drains from you visibly, as though it were wiped away with a cloth. I'm in awe of the serenity visible in your face, the change that takes place when you make your decision, but what is it? What have you decided?

I'm frozen. I can't move. I watch your face, your eyes, but you give away nothing for several long minutes.

Eventually, I don't know how long we wait like that, but eventually, you cross the floor and stand in front of me. I'm trying so hard to retain my composure right now, I have no idea what your response will be and I'm lost. You know it too, making me wait. And I wait, what else can I do?

Finally after what seems like days, just looking into your eyes, you lean forward and kiss my lips lightly. I don't know if this is goodbye, if it's the end of everything we've been through and the thought that I have forced a decision does nothing to ease the pain I feel at these thoughts. You lean your forehead against mine and close your eyes, and I just hold you, not wanting to let go… until suddenly, you pull away gently, standing up straight… and sinking slowly to your knees in front of me, looking up into my eyes, smiling with such love. "I love you Ruairi."

I'm dazed, shocked, and speechless for a long moment. I can't take it in… everything I've wished for all this time, in that one moment, just handed to me with your beautiful, loving smile. I reach for you, pull your head to my knees, stroke your hair, your cheek. There is a heaven, I know that now; and it's right here.

Some time later, I stand, guiding you to your feet in front of me. I bend and scoop you up in my arms, your head to my chest and carry you to the bedroom.