Behind closed doors

Pulling the pillows tighter over her head she tried to block out the sounds, plates smashing, cupboards slamming, profanities flying. Anything could set him off, a cup left unwashed, toys not put away properly, something out of place, wondering what she had done this time but unable to recall. she was sure she had made sure the night before everything was exactly as it should be, but obviously she'd not been thorough enough. Knowing it wouldnt be long before the erruption came to find her, a minute or two if she was lucky,  fear gripped her deep inside wishing that she was anywhere else right now, knowing that she couldn't hide from the reality that had become her life she wondered how it had come to this, tried to rationalise in her mind that it wasnt his fault. In the midst of another psychotic episode he didnt really mean the things he said, his actions not his own, but who was she kidding, it had been this way for the last 12 years of her marriage, day in day out, the illness just an excuse for his dominating and abusive behaviour.

Silence ... this was worse, what was he doing, thinking, planning, what would occur next. Worse to because it made her mind race faster thinking of the events that may unfold. Daring to peek out from the bedclothes she glanced at the clock 06;17 illuminated in small red numbers, at least it wasnt so early this morning. Some nights she never got to sleep at all but generally just a few hours was all she was permitted.

Her mind wandered back to a life before marriage, that hadnt been much better either. At 16 abandoned and alone homeless on the streets of London things had been tough, visiting museums, galleries and shopping centres in the day just to stay out the cold an by night trying to keep moving on and not to sleep, it was dangerous to sleep she had learnt that lesson fast, Churches became a sanctuary, nobody moved her on from there, no one posed a danger to her, it felt safe although not religous it provided some comfort. This hadn't lasted though and after a month of no sleep, living off scraps and scavaging in bins it had all become to much and she'd attempted to take her own life, not knowing what else to do and seeing no future, just a darkness,  a concoction of drugs and alcohol had seemed like the best way to end the pain, hoping this would end it all.

It hadn't, nothing seamed to go right for her,  vague memories of what happened next occupied her mind, but being incacerated in a psychiatric hospital had provided some respite, a warm bed, regular meals and time to repair a little of the damage that had been done to her mind.

This is when she had met him, in the hospital, 16 years her senior, he was kind and friendly, wise to the world and its negative inpact on emotions. Still unstable, immature, niave and guillable she had fell for his charms, he was the first person ever to show he cared and so in need to be accepted, to be loved and needed he'd been able to manipulate her with ease, within 6 months of first meeting they had been married, looking back she knew that this was possibly the worst decision she had ever made, but hindsight, though powerful is a useless tool.

The door flew open with unnecessary force almost ripping it from its hinges jolting her back to reality fast. The duvet ripped from her grasp. A cold hard hand gripped her ankle dragging her from the bed onto the floor. Landing with a thump, she knew the day had begun. Scrabling to her feet as fast as she could he pushed out the room and down the stairs, her eyes taking in everything as she went, what had she done, what was amiss, it didnt really matter she supposed, this was her life and nothing she could do would chage it.

Thrust into the kitchen she suveyed the scene, every cup and plate tossed from the cupboards. All the food thrown to the floor, contents spilled everywhere, utter carnage, she knew she'd have to work fast to clean this up, get some semblance of order to the home before the children we awake. Still he said nothing, she wished he'd shout and rant, get it over with, let her know what she had done wrong this time, the longer he was silent the worse it was for her.

Scrambling to her knees the work began as he stood over her, watching her every move, she waited for the kick to come as it usually did when she didnt work fast enough but this morning something was different, it didnt come, he just walked away without uttering a word.

Fingers bleeding from the cuts where crockery had been smashed she looked about, everything away, cleared, looking normal, just the floor to scrub, as she got on her knees to begin she heard him approach from behind and tried to work faster, the bleach and water stinging her already sore hands.

"You useless bitch, You are a total waste of space, fat, useless and lazy, no wonder nobody wanted you, your selfish and self centred, dont care about anyone but yourself, tell me you care but you just dont give a fuck do you, nothing you do is any good, you are a total waste of space, couldn't even empty my ashtray before you went to bed you lazy whore"

Bingo, at least she now knew what she had done, the heavy glass ashtray flew across the kitchen, hitting her full force on the back of the head, pain ripped through her and she felt the blood begin to trickle down her neck, flowing faster and faster she knew it was a deep cut. Grasping her arms he pulled her to her feet ordering her to go clean herself up and dress, he was expecting company.

Stood in the bathroom she stemmed the bloodflow and dressed, styling her hair in a way to hide the injury, applyed some make up and painted a smile on her face as was expected of her, all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, the pain in her head pounding away. Opening the bathroom cabinet for some painkillers she surveyed the content. There was enough drugs in there to do the job properly surely, could she do it right this time, how long would it take, what about the children and the impact it would have on them.

Slamming the cupboard shut fast before she could think about it anymore she surveyed the image looking back at her, still pretty, face perfect and smile in place no one would ever know her thoughts, or his actions, only the eyes could give that away, eyes are the window to the soul and display all pain if you look deep enough.

This was the life she had created for herself, these were her mistakes and errors caused throgh bad judgement and bad decissions and she knew it. She had to live with the consequences. Unfair to inflict her pain and suffering on to anybody else. She'd traded one nightmare life for another... and wasnt about to pass that nightmare on to anybody else, least of all her children.

Exiting the bathroom as the doorbell peeled, she decended the stairs to open it, greeting his friends with a smile and warm welcome. He approached behind, sliding his hand around her narrow waist and kissing her gently on her neck, her body shuddered, repulsed by his touch.

Welcoming his friends into their home they chimed "You really are the most wonderful loving couple we know,  so jealous of how perfect you two are together. Even after 19 years you are still so much in love"

If only they knew how easy it had become to live a lie... nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.