Chapter 11

Walking in through my front door I let out a sigh as I took a deep breath of stale air. “Home, lonely, home” I tell Tracy as she walked in carry bags of groceries for me. “I would’ve gotten that you know.”

“Yea I know, but look at you. You’re in pain and doing a bad job of hiding it. You were told to take it easy and all you wanted to do since we left the hospital is drive all over town.” Tracy scolds at me, as she sat the bags on the counter.

“Don’t remind me. It’s not only the ribs and arm hurting. If you’re thinking of making me something for dinner let me know when you’re done; or I’ll snack on something later before I take my pills” I huffed as I took my bags to the bedroom.

Grabbing my laptop I sit back on the bed thinking. What made her so special? We never met, never talked on the phone, never even showed a picture. But why is it that not knowing her or even not talking to her, affected me so much. Why is the essence behind the emails taunting my every thought?

Opening my email account, I scrolled through and read every email we had exchanged. Looking for any little clue that will help me understand her and anything that hinted to what she was feeling or wanting during all this. Constantly thinking, how did all this happened?

I never expected someone else to affect me like Becky did. The feelings bubbling up to the surface after being buried for so long. The loneliness I was feeling not seeing an answer. The past was in the past, I just needed to let it go. All the pain, all the hurt, all that pent up hatred, was disappearing because every day I saw that email that sparked something inside me.

I have to learn to let go of it all. Even if I never hear from her again, I need to move on. What did Tracy say? Think about what you want her to feel. Don’t write something you think she wants, write the words you need her to hear.

**********
Raven,

I wish to settle some things that I wrote to you the last time that you may have taken wrongly. I was enjoying our talks but something unexpected happened and I ended up in the hospital under some strong drugs after having surgery; and I feel that some thoughts that I shouldn’t have had, got voiced and may have pushed you away.

As I explained before I’ve been hurt and I tend to shut people out without them seeing the real me. I’m a little shy and self-conscious, so I wait until I’m comfortable with a person before I reveal more of myself. I want to get to know you better as a person and not as someone thinking about sex. I’m sure that there are a bunch of wonderful traits you have and I want to get to know them, down to the smallest detail. It may take me awhile to open up to you, because I’m afraid my past will rush back and I’ll get hurt again. You should be able to get to know me as me and not just as Highlander35.

I have always felt a certain connection when we talk and right now I miss the contact we shared. At this point I’m unsure what can be said or done to correct my actions other than saying I’m sorry from the bottom of my soul. As odd as that may sound coming from someone you never met, it isn’t something to be taken lightly. I hope you can overlook the fact that I’m just a guy that will misspeak his thoughts, but most times my thoughts speak truths. One day we can meet and see for ourselves what all can be said between us, not just with words but our actions as well. I was even at lunch this afternoon and my friend pointed out a woman to admire. The only thought I had was, I wonder what Raven looks like? And did I miss up a chance to be with someone special? That is often I think about you.

I wish there was some way to even send a gesture letting you know how sorry I am, but I wouldn’t know where to send the flowers or even what kind you would like. Just know that I’m sorry for hurting you and pushing us apart. I may not be able to erase what I said, but after comparing it to what we had, it could be just one small bump that we need to overcome.

I look forward to learn more about you my sweet Raven. For what I learn of you helps me understand what I want to feel.

Waiting for you,
D.
**********

Leaning back against my pillows I send that email off wondering if it was too late for redemption. Why did I have to get in that accident? Would I have opened up with that email? Or would I still show myself as a jackass?

“Hey Dan, I pan fried some chicken up and cut it up for you with some corn, some angel hair pasta, and a couple buttered rolls you bought. Its sitting up in the microwave when you get hungry.” Tracy told me poking her head in the room. “You need me to help with anything else before I rescue Tom from the girls?”

“Nah I should be good for a day or two,” thinking about Tom and chuckling.” Wait! Yeah there is one small thing if I can ask you?”

“As long as I have known you and Tom, I never asked, how did you know Tom was it? I mean I was by you the whole time you talked about him, but when did you know he was the one?”

Tracy comes over and sits on the bed looking at me. “This is about the woman you meet, Raven right?”

“Yeah, I thought I was in love with Becky and maybe it was. But I’ve never meet Raven and I hurt worse than when Becky left. If you go by the pain you feel when they are not around, does more pain mean you loved more?” I questioned.

“I’m done with my past. I see you and Tom, the way you act, all you do for each other, the kids. It’s something I want to feel again. Even at lunch the other day, seeing that couple eating together I got jealous. Jealous of what that guy had sitting in front of him. A peaceful lunch with his girlfriend without a care in the world. That is what I want again, to feel again.”

Tracy reaches over and grabs my laptop off my lap and closes it. ”Get rid of this for a minute and think. How did you feel when you wrote to her? What thoughts passed through your mind as you waited for her answer and then read her replies? Do you think about her other than just as an email? Answer those questions and you’ll know”

I just sat there staring up at the ceiling. “Thanks dear. You just opened my eyes to the fact that I’m falling in love with her.”

Tracy looked into my eyes and starts to smile, “Good, I’ll help you come to your senses some more, but you need to find a way to her heart. Who knows you may have already and then lost her with that bullshit remark. It shows how much us girls take what you guys say to heart.” Glancing at her watch and getting up to leave, “Alright I got to go. Call me later if you need anything. Either me or Tom will try and come by and give you a hand.”

-------------------------
"Hello?"

"Hey there, Sunshine. I just wanted to make sure you got home ok after your shift."

It's him! It's Brian! "Yeah, I just ran in the door, literally. I went for a run; it was a tough night, I needed the stress relief."

It had been a rough night. Tom and I had to go to a frat house full of college kids who'd gotten alcohol poisoning. Even though I was exhausted, I needed to run. Dealing with drunk, horny frat guys can get on anyone's nerves.

"You were out running? The sun isn't even up yet." I could hear the tone of his voice change and I wasn't used to the sound of it.

"Yeah, I got about seven miles in, why? What's wrong?" Did I say something wrong? I didn't want to start screwing things up this early, but I had no idea what might have caused his reaction.

"Raven, please be careful. Running alone in the dark isn't a good idea; it makes me worry about you. You know how many crazies there are out there. Next time you need stress relief, and it's dark out, call me. We can watch a movie or just talk or something."

Is he for real? He's worried about my safety? He called to make sure I was all right after my shift? I was clearly feeling more appreciated than I had in a long time and I walked in circles, unable to believe that someone like Brian was actually real.

"That's really sweet, Brian. I'll have to take you up on that." I smiled into the phone as if he could see me. I felt as giddy as a school girl talking to him and my mind replayed our last six dinner dates as I paced. "Brian?"

"What's up, Sunshine?"

"I'm really glad I got to know you." Where the hell did that come from? Can you sound any more desperate? Everything about Brian was more than I imagined. He was just as Tom described. He was always respectful and courteous and what was even better, he was thoughtful.

"I think I'm more happy about it that you can imagine. I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together. Speaking of which, are we still on for lunch today?"

"If your schedule allows it, Dr. Lucas." It was my little way of reminding him of how often he'd receive calls during his lunch break. He always seemed to resent the sound of his cell phone vibrating, but I understood how important his job was.

That's why I looked forward to our dinner dates. I enjoyed the uninterrupted time with him when we could just talk and learn about each other in more detail. The more I learned and the more time I spent with him, the more I wanted. He gave me exactly what I needed, something real and something meaningful.

So why do you still feel bad for the poor guy Tracy introduced you to? For some reason, I hadn't been able to completely forget that guy. It was his face. He seemed so haunted. His words were so pleading. So much like what I wanted to hear, only from the wrong person. Why does it matter? You're with someone real now, and you'll never have to worry about that bullshit again.

"Hey, that's below the belt!" The sound of his laughter made my tired muscles tremble. I instantly missed him and mentally began counting the hours until I could meet him at the hospital.

"You know how it is! All is fair in love and war!" I released my own laugh before kicking off my running shoes and walking up the stairs. The tiny creaks and groans of the steps seemed to mimic the aches and pains I was beginning to feel from my overexertion.

Holding the phone between my ear and shoulder, I entered my bathroom and turned on the faucet.

"What's all the noise? Having a party without me?"

"I'm about to take a bath. I think I've worn out every muscle I have!" I allowed the water to run over my hand before turning up the heat.

"Are you sure you want to come here for lunch? You sound pretty beat; maybe you should rest up."

"And miss the chance to watch you get called away from lunch? Not when I have a running bet with my partner that you won't last five minutes! I'll take the easy money!" I could hear his laughter and I smiled as I began peeling off my shorts that were clinging to my sweaty skin.

"Ha ha ha, Sunshine. I'll just have to make it up to you then." His voice changed again, this time to a tone that I recognized.

"What are you up to, Brian?"

"You'll see. Just don't worry about lunch here at the hospital. Something else just came up. Get some rest and I'll see you later."

"Okay, I'll talk to you later."

I hung up the phone and took off the rest of my clothes, cursing the creators of sports bras for not understanding how painful it was to remove the damned garment when your muscles were tired, and the shitty material was clinging to your skin like a drowning man to a life preserver.

If I didn't need it, I'd cut this thing off! Finally free and naked and sweaty; I stepped into the tub and sank into the water, letting my mind go as blank as possible.

After about an hour, I finally extricated myself and put on my pajamas. I was too tired to even think, and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was fast asleep. I don't remember exactly how long I was out, but the sound of someone at the door startled me out of my slumber.

I got up, bleary-eyed and slightly out of it, and walked down the stairs. Peeking out of the peep hole, I nearly fainted. Standing at my door, in his scrubs and lab coat, was Brian. SHIT!

I ran around the house, putting my running shoes in the closet and making sure things looked presentable. I grabbed a mint from my purse and popped it into my mouth and tried to look casual as I opened the door. "Brian? What are you doing here?"

"I wanted you to lose a bet." He smiled so devilishly that I could feel myself getting hotter just standing there. "Were you in bed? Did I wake you up? Shit, I'm sorry, Sunshine."

It was then that I realized that I was standing there in my pajamas, looking anything but presentable and far from sexy. "Uh, yeah. I guess I sort of passed out." Let him in the damned house! I felt a bit of embarrassment as I stepped to the side and let him in. "Do you want something to drink?" I turned to walk toward the kitchen but the sound of him clearing his throat stopped me.

I faced him to find him pulling two bags from behind his back. "I've got lunch and drinks covered. Want to eat?" God he's good!

We walked into the dining room and sat down next to each other. He unwrapped our food and we ate and chatted. It was pleasant, it was perfect. Right up until I turned into a slob and managed to bite into my sandwich in a way that squirted mustard out of the side of the bread and onto my cheek. I tried to grab a napkin to wipe it away, but he managed to reach it before I could.

"Let me get it. At least I can see where it is."

How can he make this dorky moment seem so... so... I didn't get to think about it for too long. He wiped the mustard from my face with what could only be described as reverent movements and when he was done, he leaned in and kissed me.

Let's try that again. He leaned in and touched my lips with his and blew my fucking mind! I was so surprised, but it felt so completely right. But he wasn't the one you were thinking of when you pictured this moment.

Are you kidding me? That was the only thought I had when my stupid inner voice decided to make its appearance. Fuck you! He's perfect and I really like him! I wasn't going to let this god among men slip away just so I could sit alone, feeling sorry for myself over a guy who would even tell me his damned name. All he wanted was sex. He isn't worth it! He even sent another email, probably wanting to just go back to the sex talk! I deleted that message and I'm deleting those thoughts from my mind. Now leave me alone!

That was enough to silence the voice for the rest of the day and I returned my focus to Brian. Well, I'd like to say I focused on Brian, but I was more focused on his mouth and the way he was sending ripples of pleasure through me.

His hands were on my face, pulling me even closer as our touches became a little more aggressive. He stood up, pulling me with him and backed me into the living room. He carefully maneuvered us to my couch, where we plopped down, still joined at the lips.

The sound of my house phone cut into the moment but there was no way in hell I'd answer it, and I let Brian know it when I pulled him even closer as it rang. The sound of my answering machine played in the background and I could hear my own voice as it spoke the standard greeting.

I just wish that it was a standard message.

"Raven, it's Tracy. I really need to talk to you whenever you get a chance. Call me as soon as you can! Bye!"

I wonder what's up with Tracy? The sound of her voice broke my concentration just enough for Brian to notice. "Do you need to get that?"

Do I? I looked at Brian's face, and to our half eaten lunch. He left work to be here. He made the effort and so will I. "No, I'll call her back later."