MOVE FORWARD

This week, the City lost a friend, a champion, and a supporter.  Alta Morton, Councilmember for Mount Rainier's Ward 2 departed this life, and moved on to her next destination.  Her passing has once again caused my mind to linger in the past--the death of loved ones:

My Father

My Mother

My Best friend, Jesse

Another Best Friend, Willie C.

A friend and supporter, Gloria

A friend and a neighbor, Alma

...and just entirely too many relatives to list here.

They were a part of my life, my universe, my world.  They were very intricate parts of me -- what's good in me -- what makes me tic.  Yet, they departed this world without so much as a goodbye.  That is not to say that we didn't talk or did not have some closure in some way with regards to their departing, but it was just not enough!

Just passing the places where my Mother took her last breathe drives me into tears.

The very thought of the thoughts I had as I boarded that last plane flight out of Fort Lauderdale Florida back to DC following my Father's funeral brings tears to my eyes.

The memory of Jesse forces thoughts into my mind every day about him, our relationship, our times together, our times apart, and even now, I wish that I could just pick up the telephone to tell him something or just curse him out for being so Jesse -- quiet, laid back, contrary, understanding and always there just for me.  How special can one person make you feel?

Willie C, a friend who was my first official date and escort to my sweet sixteen coming out ball -- dressed so handsomely in his suit and tie, and flashing that killer smile.  An older man with just the right touch of maturity to make me stand up and take notice.  Someone that I could talk about anything with, but always kept me focused on my spiritual life and the need for me to reconcile with my ex-husband.  Quiet, strong, solid, a man of integrity, soft spoken, and very laid back.  A lifetime of memories (good and bad ones), that shut down in a matter of seconds.  Forever loss to me in this realm, but firmly locked into my memories for another lifetime.

Gloria.  Almost dogmatic in her beliefs, very set in her ways, but there for you with her pocketbook and her willingness to work for you for a cause in which she believed.  She loved unconditionally, and expected the best from everyone she met, but especially me.  Gloria wanted me to always do the right thing and to speak out about those things that were not right.  She encouraged me to work from my beliefs and hers.  In some ways we were soul mates living through each other.

Alma -- Auntie Alma -- the seamstress, mother, friend, neighbor who first welcomed me to Mount Rainier even though she was very much my senior.  She found and took the time to be a friend even when it was clear that we Blacks were not wanted in the neighborhood.  I can't remember ever hearing her raise her voice, but she had foresight.  She introduced me to the "Ladies of Leisure."  She introduced me to the "Hampton Jazz Festival.  She introduced me to sewing for a living -- creating your own style.  She introduced me to fashion shows and cabarets.  She introduced me to all of her friends and family.  She made Mount Rainier home for me and my family, and this past year, she too left -- ceased to exist -- died!

DEAD -- all of them.  Never to speak, touch, smile, see or even breathe again.  Oh so lonesome without them, yet my mind is so full of them.

What a feeling -- the reality of death -- the finality of death.  It should be peaceful, but it is noisy -- all of the thoughts, the memories, the what ifs, and the why nots, and the should haves.  No regrets, but just more things you would have done had death not taken them away.  I enjoyed them.  I loved them.  I miss them -- their laughter, smiles, off-key jokes, spiritual support, even their self-doubts and misgivings.

Their passing has certainly changed my mind about death and dying.  I spent almost  50 years of my life being afraid of death and dying.  From as early as  I can remember I have been plagued with the fear of death and dying.  Nightmares.  Catatonic fear of funerals, caskets, ambulances, funeral homes, undertakers/morticians, cataclysmic fear of being dead and buried, yet consumed with the thought of being cremated and dusted around a gigantic oak tree so that I could live on forever.

I have seen me laying dead in the rain so many times that I no longer agonize over it.  I have prayed so many times to just go peacefully in my sleep.  The thought of dying in the bathroom sitting on the toilet torments me.  Yet, being found dead in my room naked in my bed does not thrill me either.  In the last sixteen years, I have had to come to some terms with death and dying -- an uneasy truce.  I KNOW now that I have an un-cashed ticket.  I learned that from Turtle while working at Prisoners Aid Association of MD, Inc.

We all carry around every single day of our lives and un-cashed ticket -- a ticket that we can't sell, can't give away, can't rip up and throw away, can't burn it, can't refuse to turn it in, can't lie about, can't auction it off to the highest bidder.  IT is ours and ours alone, and ONLY we can cash it in.  We know not where or when, the day nor hour, or even the second.  We cannot change our minds and take it back.

So, having reach this moment of truth, I searched my soul to see what I had learned during my journey, and I believe that these are the ten most important lessons I have been taught by their passing:

1.  Live each and every day as if it is going to be my first day with the Lord.  Do not live each day as if it is my last for I might do some things' that I might live to regret.  Remember always that I have a ticket to cash, but do not live in fear of it.  There are worse things.

2.  Appreciate every day I am given.  Each day God allows me to live and breathe and to wake up is a gift, but more so an opportunity.  An opportunity to do better in my life than I did the day before.  That I once again have a chance to make a real difference in my life and someone else's.  If not me, then who?

3.  Take time to smell the roses.  My favorite flower on earth is an American Beauty Rose, and I am not sure that I have ever smelled one, but they are oh so beautiful and I must take time to drink in its beauty rather than just rush pass it.

4.  Pay attention to the trees.  The forest will take care of itself.  Each tree presents with its own perfect shape, shade of green, fruit, leaves, and bark.  Learn to not waste so much time on trying to be a forest, but on being a good tree -- able to bend, grow, provide fruit or shade or oxygen or even just earth cover -- but do it well and with all my might for that is my purpose, and every other tree has its purpose.

5.  Be flexible.  Don't get stuck and stop living because death will come -- ready or not, and since I will never be ready, I must stay focused and live in the today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself with or without me.

6.  Spend as little time as possible worrying about what everyone else thinks.  It is their right to think.  Always remember "no one can drive more than one car at a time no matter how loud or long they blow their horn."  You do not have to be the accident.  You can stay focused and drive your car.

7.  Laugh a lot.  Pack in as much fun as you can.  There is already enough misery in the world to go around and in time I will get my share, and I won't like it so I don't take on any misery that I do not have to including the misery of my children and/or grandchildren.  Life is too short.

8.  Love a lot and love often.  I know love.  I have been loved.  I am loved.  Pour it on others.  Let them decide to receive or reject it.  Their receipt of it or their rejection of it is not my problem.  It's like paying tithes, once it is out of my purse, I am not responsible for how it get used.

9.  Play as hard as you work.  Working is something that must be done and frequently is not a lot of fun.  Always give your best on any job you tackle, and when that job is done, make sure that you play just as hard and have just as much fun!

10. Move Forward.  Going backwards is not an option.  I have been there, and that is why I am where I am today!  One step at a time will eventually carry me a mile, just as one day at a time has carried me to 63 years of my life.  No sense in stopping now.  Move forward.