My 60's: Regrets and Reflections

I must admit, turning 60 was not my favourite birthday. I definitely had a sense of life slipping away far too quickly and wanting to slow things down.
Regrets? I have many.
I got married when I was far too young to my first love at 20 years of age. At this point I really had no idea who or what I was about.
As time progressed I realized that I wanted to follow a career path which was diametrically opposed to what my husband wanted!
I’m sure I would have had a much easier time of it had I married later when I was older and wiser.
But then perhaps we would have gone our separate ways. And how much more would I have regretted losing the innocence and naivety that so quintessentially defines one’s first love?
My husband and I are both incurable romantics and it is amazing what a marriage can withstand when it is founded on such a notion!
We have waged our battles and had our ups and downs. And laughingly add “Can’t live with each other but definitely can’t live without each other either!”
Another regret I have is that I viewed my mother-in-law with the disdain that most young wives do. I could argue that because my husband was an only son, I was within my rights to stake my claim. But looking back it grieves me to think of the many times I expected him to choose between us and this really saddens me.
Thankfully over the years I came to appreciate my mother-in -law for her many great attributes. In numerous ways she became my role model and I’m happy to add that we became very close.
Probably my deepest regret was losing my father to cancer when he was just 53. At this time I was sailing through life believing that I was invincible. Then like Humpty Dumpty I came tumbling down, never to be put wholly together again. This event taught me just how vulnerable one could be and how fragile life truly is.
Today I am one of the walking wounded. With each loss I seem to become more vulnerable rather than stronger. And it is for me one of the great cruelties of life.
Another deep regret is that my sister and I have been virtual strangers for the best part of our lives primarily through many skewed perceptions we’ve had of each other. How sad that she had to fall victim to cancer in order for us to discover the deep connection we now share.
Knowing that this too will end painfully really angers me beyond words. Someday I should like to understand why love causes so much suffering.
There is an adage: Nobody says on their deathbed “I should have worked harder.” And thinking back on the years we’ve been in business I regret that we were so conservative, and overly conscientious.
It also saddens me that I missed out on my daughters’ teenage years because of this.
I remember coming home from school and sharing my highs and lows with my own mother. How she loved to listen to all my heartaches, dreams and fantasies!
These were special times that I don’t recall having with my daughters.
Later when they described how difficult this was for them: moving to the Cape and having to make new friends; and feeling so alone in their struggles, I felt quite devastated!
However, to celebrate my 62nd birthday and 42nd wedding anniversary my daughters invited us for dinner.
And as we sat around the table they and my husband took great delight in mimicking some of my quirks and foibles. This elicited hoots of laughter and as I reflected on this I celebrated their love and acceptance of me “warts and all”. I also basked in the realization that I no longer take myself so seriously. Finally I am able laugh at myself!
So I guess regrets are not such a bad thing provided we are able to embrace them and use the redemptive power they afford us to make reparations in the future.
I’m sure the relationships I now have with my daughters are a direct result of the remorse I felt for not being there for them when they were younger.
And as for my husband, the difficulties we’ve had coming from such diverging paths, have taught us respect, tolerance, and understanding. I have also learned to appreciate many of the things that he enjoys which I may well have missed out on.
And what you may ask are my thoughts on the future?
Well, I plan to ditch my bathroom scale, and celebrate every grey hair and every line etched on my face. For they represent the tokens I’ve collected on my journey. And they are priceless!