A Very Strange Party

(I wrote this while I was still in high school for my english class. I just rediscovered it while I was cleaning the files off of some flash drives. It is a little rough and very silly, but it is still one of my favorite things that I have written. I hope it gives someone a laugh )

Ding dong!
“Wow that’s just great.” I whispered to my empty kitchen just before I drug myself through my elaborately decorated dining room and into my living room to answer the door. “They’re half and hour early!” I thought to myself as I approached the door, and I couldn’t help but wonder who would come to my diner party a full half hour before it was set to begin. Ding dong ding dong ding dong the bell sang in rapid succession as I reached for the door handle. Even before the door was open I realized who it must be standing on the other side, the only person was as irritatingly impatient as myself. “Albert!” I yelled as I threw my arms around the neck of my old friend. “I thought you said that you weren’t going to be able to come,” I accused joyfully. The delightful surprise of seeing Albert standing in my doorway quickly dispelled almost all of the apprehension that I had been harboring on account of the impending evening, and believe me, I was dreading it.

“I lied,” he said nonchalantly, “I just wanted to see the look on your face when I showed up, priceless.” He laughed at his annoying little joke a little bit longer before he stepped through the door, walked across the living room, and laid down on the big black couch on the other side of the room, his arms folded casually behind his head. “I decided to take a small break from work. Too much stress is extremely unhealthy, and I am getting along in years. The effects of all that stress will only get exponentially worse the older I become, so in short my dear, I’m retiring.” At this point Albert raised up from the couch just enough to give a small, yet somehow particularly over dramatic bow. “Farewell to my life of endless toil and trouble as I embrace a new carefree outlook and the ultimately mind-crushing lack of usefulness that will soon envelop me, I’m sure.” And with that he flopped theatrically back down on the couch and intertwined his hands upon his chest. I laughed; Albert’s evident sense melodrama has always greatly amused me.

“So you’re retiring huh? Well whatever makes you happy I guess. Anyway, I have to go finish setting the table, so just make yourself at home. This shouldn’t take too long.”

“Oh I will,” he assured me, and I believed him, too. I went back to the kitchen, finished cooking, set the table (one place more than I had planned this morning when I woke up), and made sure that everything was clean and relatively in order.

At seven O’ clock the bell rang again, this time only once and then the person outside began to knock. I opened the door, Albert was now off of the couch and standing in front of a large mirror attempting to straighten his bow tie which was hopelessly skewed, and I found that another guest had arrived, George W. Bush. He greeted me with a polite “hello” and stumbled a little as he walked through the door. Blushing, he quickly regained his composure, and straightened his nice silk tie. Then he noticed Albert on the other side of the room.

“George,” I said cheerily, “I’d like to introduce you to an old friend of mine, this is-“

“Mr. Einstein!” George said excitedly as he snatched up Albert’s hand in a vigorous handshake. “It’s such an honor to meet you, it really is!” Albert laughed politely as he tried to free his hand from George’s vice-like grip.

“Thank you and it’s an honor to be meeting you as well,” Albert smiled as sincerely as he could manage, and then the doorbell rang again. Both men looked curiously at the door, and no doubt wondered who else would be joining our little party. They both let out a small gasp of surprise as I opened the door and Barney the dinosaur waddled happily in. George’s face took on a mask of sheer delight when he realized who the large purple guest was.

George and Barney sat down on the couch and discussed things with which they were both fairly accustomed, such as small numbers, simple words, and basic shapes. George was quite good with the shapes, but faltered a little bit when they began to discuss the addition of numbers. Meanwhile Albert and I talked about his latest experiments involving the genetic crossing of fish and birds to make an authentic flying fish. It was pretty extensive work, but he said that in the wake of his retirement he was abandoning the idea. Oh well.

Suddenly there was a sharp knock at the door, hard enough to make it shake on its hinges, then without waiting for someone to come and open the door, in walks the notorious Adolf Hitler. Everyone stared at him for a few second, George more in confusion than anything else because I’m pretty sure that he didn’t have the slightest clue who had just entered the living room, and then in an attempt to ease the tension caused by the somewhat awkward silence, I suggested that we all go to the dining room to eat. Albert hopped up at once and led the way, showing everyone to their proper seat at the round table, which took up most of the space in my dining room, though granted it is a fairly small room to begin with.

The seating arrangement went like this: I sat closest to the kitchen door, and then to my right sat Albert, by him sat Hitler, then George, and finally Barney who was to my left. Before I sat down however, I brought in the food from the kitchen, which consisted of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, and cake for desert. Everyone was quite pleased at the spread, except for Albert, who knowing exactly what was in all of the food, how it was made, and how untimely unhealthy it was, had a hard time enjoying it, but that’s nothing special, he’s like that every time he has to eat, and also Barney, who’s diet consists strictly of small children and puppies, was a little disappointed.

Everything went fairly well until Hitler made a slightly (very) racist joke at the expense of Jewish people. Albert, being Jewish himself, took offense and a small argument broke out, which soon turned into an all out battle. Not being a fan of confrontation, Barney decided that it was time for him to leave, and he invited George back to his house for a few games of hide and seek. George happily accepted, and was very glad that he had found a new friend whose brain level was relatively close to his own, so Barney and George left for the evening and became great friends until Barney “accidentally” ate the Cocker Spaniel puppy that George received for Christmas one year, and they unfortunately haven’t spoken since.

Suddenly Albert flew out of his chair and was on top of Hitler choking him. Not being a big fan of Hitler myself, actually the only reason that he was even invited was that he blackmailed me into letting him come, I just watched as they wrestled around on the dining room floor because Albert was obviously winning. It was when Hitler grabbed a fork that had been knocked to the floor and tried fruitlessly to stab Albert with it that things turned ugly. Albert snatched the fork away from Hitler and buried it into the Nazi leader’s eye, sinking it in deeply enough to puncture his polluted brain.

“Well that’s just great!” I yelled exasperatedly as I threw my hand up in the air in frustration. “What are we supposed to do now? You just stabbed Hitler and now, not that too many people would care, he’s dead. What are we going to do about this?” I glared at Albert accusingly.

“Well I hear Mexico is nice this time of year,” he suggested innocently. “And I’m retired so why not do a little traveling?” A mischievous smile appeared on his face, and I realized that there would be no talking him out of it.

“Okay Albert, it sounds like a plan. So when do we leave?”

“Well right now of course” So with that Albert and I took off to Mexico and changed our names to Pedro and Maria. We’re still living here today in a peaceful little town just south of Mexico City. All in all, I think things could have gone a lot worse.