Epiphany

"Maybe this will help to kill the slow moving monotonous drone tick tock of the clock". I whisper to myself as I grab a pen and try a comfortable posture as I sit back in my room, scribbling madly in my journal with some incredible newly found zest. It's almost as if Im frenzied, trying to escape an unavoidable feeling of illnesss. It's the most absurd of phrases. Even I dont know what it means. I convince myself.
It's quiet all around. Too quiet, too peaceful. The kind of quietness that makes the sound of a raindrop falling on the roof sound like a crass cacophany. Yes, probably the quietness is what I cant deal with. Being used to an eternal buzz of activity, I honestly detest the strange sadness that comes with this quietness.
Maybe it's about time I slept. It's quite late now. Or maybe I should just stay here and continue scribbling. Maybe then, all these thoughts that are whizzing about my head right now, would start to make sense.
Yes, maybe I should just stay here for a while. I tell myself as I hurriedly brush off tears from the corner of my eyes. I shouldnt be this upset. I really shouldnt be this upset. I tell myself again and again. Or maybe this is just natural. The natural part of a natural process of a wound healing. Or is it?
I still dont quite remember how we became friends. It was the first day of school. Standing by the reception, waiting to collect my books, I was eagerly looking at my future classmates. And among the many faces, some friendly, some arrogant, there he was, casting an attitudey look as he walked past me. I vowed to never cross paths with him ever again. But a few weeks and a few seat shuffles later, there we were, sitting near each other. And he was the first to talk, of course. Im terrible at icebreaking! And there he was, my first friend in a new school.
That first year was pretty uneventful. After we became friends, we drifted apart pretty soon, as well. Then back to the position of strangers. It was the next year that brought on a few changes.
Year 2! Again, i dont remember how it got reinstated but lets just say that pretty soon, we were talking, texting, chatting with each other 24/7! We were always just friends, I guess. Even though I knew he loved me, I somehow didnt want to ruin what we had, which I treasured a lot, so we were just friends, even though rumours started linking us together as a couple. Throughout that year, we talked, texted, giggled our hearts out.... Shared a few laughs and a few tears as well... Had a few fights triggered by his hot temper and my touchiness... Had hurried reconciliations.... Shared secrets, talked about everything under the sun... And before we knew it, it was the end of that year.. Time to part our seperate ways, time to embark on our different journeys...
And tonight, Im feeling sad, lonely, incomplete. Is seperation supposed to be this difficult? after all, we were "just friends". Is it normal to be moved to tears merely by the lyrics of a song? By the sound of my phone vibrationg, a new message pinging in, is my heart supposed to skip a beat?
Maybe, just maybe, tonight I'll be able to define a relationship which I still havent been able to give a name to.
Maybe just maybe, this is what missing someone special feels like. Right now it doesnt matter whether he was my best friend, or my first love... Right now all that matters is that he was a part of me... And I miss him... We were probably walking on that fine borderline between friendship and love. Neither fully here, nor there. But that's probably the beauty of being us. We could interpret it in any way we want.
Yes... Maybe, just maybe, this is what missing someone special feels like... I decide as I close my eyes and let the memories sink in... That is after all, the best thing to do to soothe a confused, teenaged, mind...