My Heart Still Beats For You

He had sexy black hair, dark skin, glistening brown eyes, strong shoulders, a bit of a fling with drug, and a heart that beat like thunder.



She had freckled pale skin, dark green eyes, frizzled brown hair, was skinny as a rail, had cuts up and down her arms, and a heart that noone could understand.



Love at first sight...it is a very real thing. Something made her heart skip a beat at the sight of this boy. Something about him made her tremble and struggle for words when she was near him. These two very different individuals met through the girl's best friend, "you HAVE to meet him; he's so funny, and cute too." her friend said, "I think he likes me." When the girl laid eyes on him, cute didn't even begin to describe him. They struck up a conversation, the boy went on and on about how he'd tried mushrooms for the first time...he was interesting to say the least. They were alright friends after that, always a hug and a "hello" but not much more than a "how are you".



A couple years passed by. The boy had his heart broken by his first love, which as you may have guessed wasn't that hopeless girl but one who was very likable, very pretty, and also, not ready for the relationship she'd promised him about a year before. So, the boy with a broken heart decided girls were of no use to him. He started flirting with anyone and everyone, running off to fool around with whoever was willing. One day, he invited his secret admirer...(though, I'm sure it was obvious after so long she had a thing for him)...to come fool around. The girl was a virgin, so things never got too far, but, day after day the boy snuck away with her to kiss her, to feel her up, nibble on her earlobes, all the while fanning the flame in her heart. Day after day she watched him kiss on other girls, flirt with them, date them and cheat on them. He'd become quite the casanova, but she was the only one he wanted to see every day...not just occasionally. She was the one who sat on his lap around his friends...usually, anyway. That had to mean something right?

Out of the blue one day he asked her for her number. She was shaking as she jotted it down. He called that afternoon. He asked if she wanted to be his girl. Even though this made her heart beat and burn with young passion, she was skeptical. It took some convincing, but how could she refuse?

So they dated...until about four days later.

She went to give him a hug, he stepped away. His friend stood in the way of him.

"I just wanted a hug" she said, confused and hurt. She started to walk away but he called her back.

"I don't think we should date anymore." he began, " I-" he started an excuse.

"I don't care." she blurted, hiding the ache in her chest.

"That's kinda harsh" he replied, "you're not even gonna' let me explain?"

" It's fine" she croaked, choking back tears as she turned her back to him, then quickly walking away, hoping he wouldn't see how humiliated she was. Ofcourse he wouldn't want her. She was ugly, she was weird, she was a joke.

Not two days later, he was right back to luring her off to fool around and all was forgotten...for him anyway.

Then, he moved a whole state over. Even though he was gone...somewhere in the back of her mind was his face, his eyes, burned into her memory. She cut his initials into her skin...so she'd never forget about the boy she wasn't good enough for.

It wasn't until he was long gone she admitted to herself that she had been in love with him. It seemed safe if she was certain she'd never look into those devious brown eyes again. He left her feeling worthless. She watched the guy she loved, who knew well how she felt, kiss at least a dozen other girls right in front of her then, look into her eyes and ask if she wanted to go fool around with him. Ofcourse she did, he knew she did. She let him use her because she knew that was all she'd have of him and she thought she was ok with it. She often wondered why she wasn't enough for him if he meant so much to her.



The girl tried to replace him...she'd kissed a few others. She was "bisexual" simply for the sake of having someone there. She picked up a drinking habit, an idea she'd had to slowly kill herself, a cry for help that everyone ignored...because what can I say? She's fun to drink with. She felt worthless and the constant drinking left her numb...so, she started cutting...her arms were left nothing but a few patches of unharmed skin. She felt ugly, so she stopped eating to get thin. Noone would ever have guessed, just how much she loathed herself. Then, after a year or so had passed...she got a message out of the blue. It was him. It was her long lost soulmate. Her heart leapt. "Hey cutie" that's what he said... HE THOUGHT SHE WAS CUTE?!?!



This, dear reader is where the real story begins. The rest was just the background.



The boy invited her over. She was older now and knew he could get with her. He kissed her the second she walked through his door. All the feelings came rushing back and not a day had passed since she'd last seen him. She'd saved herself for him...even after he'd left. She gave him her virginity, just like she'd wanted to for so long. They made love again and again and again. At the end of their day together...something strange happened. Somehow, she'd wound up curled up in his arms, cuddling and talking for hours. She was soft and warm and he was strong and protective. Neither of them wanted to leave the other's grasp. She felt safe in his arms. She told him this. He smiled, held her close and gently exhaled. Something changed forever, he had someone who needed him. That boy she'd fallen in love with...grew up to be the man capable of loving her back.

At first, because she'd pretended to be bisexual (a stupid move to impress him) the girl and her boyfriend had an agreement worked out where as long as they were both together...they could fool around with another girl. That didn't last long because as it turns out neither one of them wanted anyone else...more on that later.



Only two weeks later, just after making love in the moonlight, he drew her close to him and gave her a quick peck on the lips followed by three words she never thought she'd hear, "I love you".

One month later, he got her initials tattoed on his arm.

"I love you" he'd say, "you're my gaurdian angel" he'd say. He told her how he wished he could take those other girls back. He told her how she didn't deserve to be used. He told her she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on. The two fell hard for eachother and made a promise never ever to give up on one another, because their love was something real. And it was...and it is.



Little things stuck in her head...short memories...filed away in her mind:



Good: The first week they dated, while driving into town, the sleeve of her baggy hoodie she'd always draped herself in slipped revealing an arm full of scars and fresh wounds alike. "What is that" he said, fury in his voice.

"Nothing" she answered pulling her sleeve back down trying to wipe the deer in headlights look from her face. ]

"I will kick your ass if I ever see that again" he scolded. She noticed tears in his eyes. How beautiful it felt to have him care.

"Ok." she said.

"Promise me you won't do that anymore" he begged.

"I promise"





Good: The second week into it, the two were sitting on his front porch. She hadn't eaten in roughly two and half weeks. She suddenly felt very confused. Everything started flashing. She couldn't catch her breath. She fainted. The boy carried her inside and laid her in bed. She trembled uncontrollably. He kissed her, he held her close. She could feel him there and she could feel his fear. He brushed his hands across her and whispered in her ear "please be ok, please be ok". When she finally woke up he made her lunch and brought it to her in bed. She gobbled it down. "Feel better?" he asked with a smile.

"Mmhmm" she replied.

He made her eat every single time they were together ever since.



Bad: About three weeks into the relationship they went swimming together at a public lake. There were two pretty young girls there that couldn't keep their eyes off him. He had his eyes on them an awful lot too. Being the stupid guy he was, and still thinking the girl was bisexual, he flirted with them right in front of her. She was so humiliated.

Leaving, he could tell something was wrong. "That was just embarassing" she said. Realising what an ass he'd been he apologized, many times. Men do stupid things and it could've been worse. She forgave him.



Good: He wrote her letters, pages long. He wrote poetry. He talked on the phone with her for hours on end. He was always proud to point her out to a friend. He made her feel like royalty.



Good/Bad: The couple decided it'd be fun to go camping, bringing two other girls along. Late that night, they played a classic game of truth or dare. She was trying to impress the boy...so she kissed one of them, she fooled around with her...and they'd been drinking so, she didn't quite catch his little hints that he wanted her to stop. But, after everyone else had gone to bed he clutched onto her like a frightened child "I don't want to share you" he wimpered in her ear. "Ok, baby" she answered, she kissed him gently and they fell asleep in eachother's arms. He still hurts now and then over this...but it's getting better.



Good: About two months after they were together they went out one night. The girl wore a belly shirt and black skinny jeans.As usual, she hid herself under a baggy, old hoodie. He kept begging her to take the jacket off. After an hour and a half of pushing her, she did. But the whole night she felt ashamed and tried to cover her stomach, slouching over in her seat, wrapping her arms around herself...he sat her down and cried to her... "I got asked about a dozen times why that beautiful girl I'm with keeps hiding" he said. "Everyone else sees it but you". He had no idea at the time that he was partly to blame for her bad self image...but at the same time completely to blame for the fact that little by little it was getting better. He had a panic attack later that night. He had a bad heart from snorting coke. Both of them wondered if it would be the end, he laid there choking and shaking "Promise me tomorrow when you wake up and look in the mirror...that you'll see what I see." he begged. She cried her eyes out and held him close, she promised...but that was quickly broken.



Good: After a long weekend together on their three month anniversary he asked her if she wanted to be his wife. She gave a knowing smile and accepted.



Bad: Four months or so after they'd been together they were having a friend over. A girl who was known for being easy. He had the bright idea to try having a threesome...as a "one time thing". The girl, not realizing what a truly terrible idea it was at the time..agreed. But when she got there the girl changed her mind...so, she wasn't going to mention it again and she only hoped her fiance would forget about their little scheme...ofcourse, he didn't. "Why don't you ask her if she wants to makeout?" he whispered in his lover's ear. Reluctantly she did. "I'm up for anything" the friend answered. So the three kissed. The girl watched as her idiot fiance kissed another girl's breasts with the stupidest kid in a candyshop look on his face. She made advances of her own...to make him jealous. It worked. Thank God, the endeavor was stopped short on account of an angry boyfriend. This hurt her for a very long while...but time heals all wounds.





Good: Six months together they were on thier way to the movies. She asked him to buy her a pregnancy test. The boy moaned and groaned about it because they'd already bought four or five that came up negatie. At the movie theater she went into the bathroom and took the test. She watched as a little plus sign appeared faintly. She stepped out the door blushing and smiling. His eyes lit up "really?!" he exclaimed. She just smiled and shook her head yes. He jumped up and squeezed her so tight. They stood in the theater lobby holding eachother crying on eachother's shoulder. They couldn't be happier.



Bad: About a month later she refused to tounge kiss him in public. That set him off. He didn't understand that she'd gotten older and making out in public wasn't exactly her scene anymore. He screamed at her, he said a lot of nasty things...but the one that stuck was "why don't you go find a doctor to kill that thing in your stomach!" She was crushed. How could he say that when they both had wanted this baby so bad they'd kill for it? She walked away. He followed. He apologized and stuck his tounge down her throat. She gave in. She kissed him back, let him suck her face off. She was afraid of what else he might do.



Good: It was christmas time. They went out to dinner and went window shopping for baby supplies ( a favorite hobby). Outside the store, waiting to get picked up he kneeled down in front of the girl's mother and all and pulled a little box from his pocket. "Sweetheart, I know I've asked you this before...but will you be my wife?" She just blushed and smiled at him, "yes, baby" she said. He kissed her softly. Her mother just awed. The girl felt completely high for the rest of the night, watching a gorgous gold band glisten in the light.



Bad: Shortly after, one night, he was visiting with her. She didn't feel well. The pregnancy was making her tired. But, her fiance was hungry. He didn't feel comfortable going through her kitchen, being as she still lived at her parent's house, he asked her to make him something to eat. She was very tired. She didn't feel like it. She should've gotten up and made him something to begin with, it only would've taken a second...but she didn't. So, he blew up again and lectured her about how nobody wants to marry someone lazy who won't cook for their husband...for about an hour. That was the motivation she needed...she made him something to eat, but he found a hair in it. He only took about two bites and claimed he wasn't hungry anymore. He'd always seemed to find a way to make her feel inadequate.



Bad: It was the day they were going for the ultrasound. It was also Valentine's Day. They exchanged chocolate. He bought her an adorable stuffed frog. They went to the ultrasound. It was a moment of pure awe. The saw their little angel, a baby boy, for the first time. The baby wiggled around on the screen. He even teared up during it. He squeezed her hand so tight. They got a picture made and the girl ran out to show her family. Her brother, who was far from o.k. with the pregnancy started running his mouth about how they shouldn't be happy about it and how it would be a druggy just like the father. The girl did what she could to shut him up, but her brother was an overcontrolling, simple minded brute. Her father, however quieted him soon enough. They got dropped off in town at another doctor's office for blood tests. The boy took his frustration out on her. He screamed at her about how she was choosing her family over him because she didn't make her brother stop and because she begged him not to fight her brother. She just wanted to keep the peace, she couldn't stand fighting. He screamed at her though. Everyone in the office could hear. When she came inside everyone was asking if she was ok. She just nodded. She took her fiance to lunch after that. He cooled off and for a while everything was fine.

Later that day, the boy was in a rush to get to the store across town to buy a bag of legal bud. (For those who don't know legal bud is incense that's essentially synthetic weed.) The boy, as I should have mentioned earlier is a stoner. He smokes every second of every day. Anyway, the girl was excited about having learned that they were having a little boy. She asked to stop at the dollar store on the way to get a little "it's a boy" balloon. Afterward, he was really in a hurry so they had to powerwalk all the way across town. She being four months pregnant did her best to keep up. The store, unfortunately was closed when they got there. He blamed it all on her because she'd taken up a total of two minutes to stop at the store. He screamed at her about how she was a pain in the ass and she was childish and how stupid it was to waste time to get a fucking balloon. She felt so ashamed. She felt even more stupid about dragging a balloon behind her all this way looking like a big kid. So, she tugged it down behind her back and popped it with her fingers and shoved it in her back pocket. She was just ready for the day to be over.



Bad: About a month after that, the girl's best friend was down for the weekend. They almost never got to see eachother anymore. The fair happened to be in town. The girl and her fiance had been planning to go together for a while but that wasn't until the next week. So, she and her best friend decided to go while she was in town. The second he found out she'd went early he was furious. He cussed at her, he made her feel completely guilty and on the verge of crying all night. He wasn't going to take her to the fair anymore, but when the day to go rolled around she talked him into it. The night started out so nice. He won her a stuffed seal, they made out on the farris wheel, it couldn't have been more perfect. But, he didn't seem to understand that her being five months pregnant meant she couldn't ride anything. She told him they could go on the farris wheel agian...but he got angry and ripped up the last ticket. She tried explaining to him that it was her responsibility to protect the baby for the moment and she would never forgive herself if something happened to him. He took it to mean that he had no say in anything to do with the baby and that he wasn't important and that she was trying to run everything when it came to the baby. He screamed at her all night. He had her crying her eyes out, having no idea what to say. She fainted, she begged him to hit her because she figured it had to feel better than hours of being talked to like this. That was how the night ended...completely miserable.



Bad: The next day the boy had recieved a phone call from his close friend. Apparently he'd seen the girl holding hands with her friend at the fair. The girl tried to explain that it was innocent, just something she'd done since she was a child with her friends, but he'd have none of it. He screamed at her, accused her of fucking her best friend, and made her feel like nothing more than a slut. He snatched her phone, called up her best friend and cussed her out, called her awful names, then handed the phone back to her. "Now, call her and tell her why I did that." he said. The girl felt totally defeated, she struggled to breathe, " I don't know what to say" she sobbed. "Then I'm leaving" he growled starting to walk away. She screamed and clutched onto his leg like a child does their parent's. "Then call her" he ordered. "I don't know what to say" she begged. "Why can you hurt me but you can't hurt her" he shouted. "I don't mean to hurt anybody" she answered. Finally, she gave in and called her friend. She could hardly speak, she tried to explain...but she had no clue as to why exactly he was acting this way. Getting upset, asking her not to do that agian? Sure. But this was torture. At the end of it all he let it go...and it was over with for him...but she never forgot how helpless she felt laying on the ground crying and begging him not to go.



Bad: The girl eventually developed a bad kidney infection, but it was misdiagnosed as a UTI...she felt very ill. She came to see her hubby-to-be in hopes that he'd take care of her, nurture her, and make her feel better. Instead, they went to bed early. She woke up in the middle of the night shaking uncontrollably. "What's wrong with you! What the fuck is your problem" he screamed. She didn't know, which only made him more angry. "I don't ever get any fucking sleep" he scolded. He screamed at her for a good twenty minutes all because she accidentally woke him. She apologized and laid down, ignoring the ache she had everywhere, holding him close, praying he'd just stop yelling. The next morning she tried calling her dad to take her to the hospital. Ofcourse, that upset him too. He took it to mean she didn't want to spend time with him. So, rather than trying to help her he screamed at her some more. She gave up on calling her dad until later that day when she still hadn't stopped shaking and was burning up with a fever. Finally he let her call home to go to the hospital. She ended up staying for three and a half days on bed rest.



Bad: As the pregnancy progressed making love had become more difficult. It often made her cramp up or ache. One night, the pain was particularly sharp. She had to make him stop. He got so upset with her. He told her that he wouldn't try to make love anymore "that's what hands are for" and that he was sick of being disappointed every time they have sex. He made her feel like she'd done something horribly wrong...as if she'd failed him. So, she decided to turn him on and just lie there and let him do what he wanted...seeing it as the only way to make him happy with her. It hurt so bad and her heart was crushed, she started weeping in the dark, wishing it was over. He heard her wimpering. He asked if she was ok "Yes, baby" she lied. He told her he loved her in the middle of it. That's what crushed her the most. Finally, realizing what he was doing to her he stopped. He acted strange after that...he knew what he'd done. The girl, too didn't talk much. That was until the next day when she got up the courage to talk to him about it. She told him it felt like rape. He said he was sorry a dozen times...but the things he'd said the night before refused to leave her mind.



Good: It was their one year anniversary. He cooked her a big dinner and took her out to eat on a sailboat. It was all very romantic. He'd bought her an anklet, earings, and a beautiful ring with her birthstone. He hadn't been this sweet in so long. She almost wondered if he'd done something wrong, but he didn't. He just did something nice for her...something that made her feel special for a day. The look of sincere sweetness in his eyes burned into her brain and it still makes her smile.



Bad: One day, after he'd been over at his friend's house with his friend's slutty girlfriend, he randomly demanded a lap dance. She was seven months pregnant and had never tried to do anything like that before. She felt rediculous trying to wiggle around with a big, huge buddah belly poking out. But he kept getting angry when she'd stop so she kept trying. He made her even more nervous shouting at her "come on, baby! Shake your ass! What're you doing?!" She stopped. She didn't know what to do. "Just forget it." he grumbled. "You need to go hang out with the girls downtown and learn how to fucking dance." he said. She asked what his sudden obsession with a lapdance was. He said that he woke up to his best friend getting a lapdance that morning and was wondering why she didn't do things like that for him. "Because, I'm not a slut" she answered. He got pissed off and stormed out of the room. When he came back he told her that he wasn't going to try to make love anymore because she didn't do anything to turn him on. Her fear of not being good enough was realized. She felt like a failure again. She decided after that to change herself...to be whatever it took to make him happy.



Bad: One night...she tried to talk to her lover about how she feels like he doesn't care about her. She started off with about how she didn't want to be stuck raising a baby while all he thinks about is smoking weed. He immediately snapped "Fuck you, bitch." then went out to smoke. He scolded her about how she had no right to ask that of him...but, she never asked him to change...only to consider cutting back...so they could have the family he promised her. That night...she found a new way to punish herself. She walked outside and stuck her finger down her throat. She threw up, he forgave her...and that was the end of that fight.



Bad: Last night he got furious with her because she was a little snippy...because she thought she heard somebody knock on the door while they were having sex...because he didn't get off. He yelled at her for another hour...told her that her being pregnant was driving him crazy, that she was just being a bitch and blaming it on being pregnant. She was so desparate not to leave him disappointed that she went ahead and gave him what he wanted. He came and was perfectly happy. She's always expected to foget about the way he treats her and the cruel things he says. She is so helplessly devoted to him for reasons she can't explain and he repeatedly makes her feel like total shit. Little by little taking peices from her...tearing her apart then expecting sorry to cut it. She tries to stand up for herself...but he doesn't seem to care enough to listen. So, she just spends day after day hurting...and so the story continues...



Bad: As the end of her pregnancy was drawing near, the girl had become increasingly anxious about giving birth. She was terrified. She desperately didn't want to go through with it but had no choice. She felt helpless and alone. She said cruel things about the day their child would be delivered. Things like "there's nothing to look forward to about the day our son is born. I don't even understand why women want to hold their children after they've been through that. It's not worth it." She didn't mean a word of it, ofcourse, but she was frightened. Finally, the boy couldn't stand to hear another minute of it. "Why did you have to kill the one pure bit of joy that I had?" he cried. He sobbed to her that he felt like he'd ruined her life. She was so ashamed of herself. She felt like a horrible mother; she felt like she'd ruined the one thing she could've done right for him, and so the both of them ached.



Good: One night, the boy had lost his temper again. He got a little more violent than usual. He screamed in her face, she stood up to walk away from him and he snatched her by the arm and sat her down. She gathered her clothes in her arms but he tore them away and threw them across the room. He just plain frightened her; but, he never hit her...she trusted he never would. The next day when his anger subsided and it seemed safe...the girl asked him a question. She asked if he thought she should kill herself, if he'd be happier if she were gone. At first, he got cross with her. The girl went on to tell him that she often felt as if the reason he treated her like a dog...was because she looked like one. The boy broke down and pulled her close, "I'm sorry" he sobbed again and again. He said that he was so tired of being angry, that he hated saying those things because he doesn't mean it. He said that he didn't understand why he was always forgiven. The girl simply answered, "because love knows no goodbye..."



Amazing: The young couple were at one of the regular prenatal visits. The doctor checked her and was surprised to find she was two centimeters dilated. "So, do you wanna be done tomorrow?" the he asked. Both their faces lit up. "YES" she squealed. "Ok. Be at the hospital at five 'o' clock tomorrow morning" doc instructed. They were there, bright and early.

They were both so excited they could hardly stand it. A cute, four foot tall elderly woman greeted them at the maternity ward. The girl changed into her gown and was put on an I.V. A couple hours later the doctor came in and broke her water. Now they waited for the pain to come and eventually the arrival of their baby. When things started getting harder to bear for the girl, her fiance tried in vain to lighten the mood with smart comments and by picking fun at her. As the pain got worse, the nurses and the boy were pushing her to ask for an epidural but she refused. The girl screamed, she beat her fists on the sides of her bed, she started to tear up. The boy felt so bad for her. "I'm so sorry." he wimpered "do you still love me?" "ofcourse" she answered weakly. Suddenly, the girl screamed that she had to use the bathroom. "You have to pee" the nurse asked. "No" she said. All the nurse's faces went pale."Ok, sweetie. We're just gonna' check you first." one of them said. The girl started screaming at the top of her lungs. "She's nine centimeters" she said. The girl started pushing, the nurses all trying to coach her not to push but to breathe through it. "I can't" the girl screamed. "Get the doctor" another nurse said. The girl's fiance was rubbing her back "do you want an epidural now?" he asked sweetly. "No, I want this baby out" she hollered. The doctor came in, gown and gloves equipped. The end of the bed was rolled away and stirrups were snapped into place. "Ok, try not to scream" everyone said. The girl tried, but her body was working against her. She was pushing wether she wanted to or not. "Baby, you're doing so good" the boy said. Then, she started to feel the baby crowning. The boy burst into tears. "He's got a full head of hair, baby. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you." he said sweetly. "He's almost here, you're doing so good." Finally, as if all the world had stopped, the pain faded and she looked down to see a beautiful baby boy. "Oh my God" she cried. The boy kissed her on the forehead, "thank you so much, baby. You did so good." he sobbed. The whole time the baby was being cleaned off the girl begged to hold him. It felt like an eternity before he was nestled in her arms. The baby looked up at her with a pair of beautiful dark blue eyes and both the mother and father were shaking and crying and smiling. That was the day everything changed.

Their little family was started. The boy had become a man, a father...and the girl...a mother. The man's anger was releived. The mother's insecurities melted away. Their life was complete. They'd both found what it was they were looking for...and it was patience...and feeling needed...and everlasting love together. How sweet the taste of life had become and it arrived on their tounges with the sweet little kisses laid on their blessing's cheek.