Life With Cancer - Intro

INTRO

         This book is a  tribute to all the cancer patients, survivors and victims out there. I am a Cancer Survivor myself, and I have always told myself I wouldn’t do this. I don’t want the spot light, I’m just a normal person who had to fight for her life instead of have a life.

         Cancer is a huge thing, everybody has heard of it, seen or heard of the ravages of it in some shape or form, whether it’s themselves or a loved one, or a friend of a friend. In my opinion, you may have seen or heard of these things, but unless you have gone through cancer yourself you don’t know what it has done to the person who suffered through it. What they are going through in their head. As a cancer patient myself, I felt very alienated from my family and friends. A lot because of awkwardness, with people not knowing how to treat the cancer patient, or even what to say.

         My hopes for this book is to bring insight to others, to make people more comfortable around cancer patients, so that cancer patients wouldn’t feel as alienated as I did. I also just want to get my story out there, to show people there is hope out there. It’s not easy, but there is always hope.

         The reason why I am writing this book is to fulfil my grandfather’s request of me writing a book about my battle with cancer. I also wanted to write because there are a lot of people out there – and I mean a LOT of people – who are ignorant because they don’t understand or they are afraid of what Cancer means or is, and therefore they are afraid of those of us who have had to fight for our lives and who have either survived or lost our battle with cancer. I hope that in writing my story, I will help people somewhat understand that when they are making their little comments, pulling their children away and blocking them from our view, basically alienating us does not help in the least. In fact, it made me personally, feel like a monster and not worthy to continue living.

         Now, a little background on why my grandfather wanted me to write a book, and why I refuse to publish one about me.

         The cancer I battled: T-Cell Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL)

         Back on February 5th, 2003, I was visiting my grandparents. Now Feb 5th, 2003 was a Wednesday, Wednesdays in my world at that time were dubbed one out of three dreaded “Chemo Day”s. While Mondays and Thursdays were also “Chemo Days”, Wednesdays were the WORST.

         Now Chemo wasn’t usually that bad, except for at that time my treatment protocol called for 51 weeks of L’Sparaginais (not sure on the spelling there) shots. Let me explain these shots – they were basically two needles – very long, big needles – that were injected into the fatty part of the hips in the back. One shot per hip. So that’s 1 year 1 month of PAIN. After the first pair I had begged the doctor to give them to me through IV, because they were just too painful. She confered with the pediatricians in the states that had made up this protocol and they said basically “If you want your patient to die instantly, go ahead.” They were so toxic that they had to be given away from (preferably below) the heart, because the moment the solution  hits the heart, it would stop beating instantly. Instant death. SCARY!!! So I stuck out the pain obviously. As I found out in doing research later, L’Sparaginais is a form of E Coli, that they discovered is a huge factor in which children survive Leukemia these days. I also discovered that is probably one of the major culprits to why my hip joints crumbled and I am stuck with two hip replacements at the age of 25.

         Anyway, mom and I were going home from Chemo, I was walking a little sore, my limp which was prominant enough was even worse that day. I was tired as chemo usually left me, but Grandma wanted us to visit. So while we were visiting Grandpa asked me how chemo went.

         “Painful, but alright.” I responded. He asked what  I had done that day, and I told him, my hip shots as I had started calling them, my usual dosage of Methotrexate and I believe I had also had to have a GCSF injection too that day because my immune system had taken a dip. I also believe I was on fragmin (another needle) at that time too to stop any blood clots from forming. I was a regular pin cushion, on top of my weekly bloodwork that was also done three times a week. Thank goodness for permanent IV’s, also known as PICC lines. Once I was finished explaining my routine Wednesday, Grandpa just shook his head.

         “You should write a book about the stuff they put you through.” He said. I believe my first initial reaction was a laugh and a yeah right. “I’m serious! You should seriously write a book, tell people what chemo is like blah blah blah.”

         “Who would read it? I’m just an average girl fighting for my life. Nobody knows me.” I argued.

         “Think about it. I think you really should.” And that was the end of the conversation. I actually did consider it, but I had forgotten a lot of stuff, the facts, the medical terms for a lot of things, there was a lot of stuff I didn’t understand that was happening to me, and I didn’t want to know about. So I held off.

         Now a year or so after my chemo finished, a lady was all over the media – papers, tv, you name it she was on it – she was battling Lung Cancer, she was pissed off because she had been smoking for who knows how many years, I can’t remember, and she was pissed that it was killing her. She was going through High Schools all through Edmonton preaching “Don’t Smoke Cause This Is Where You’ll End Up.” I was all for it, hopefully it opened a few eyes up. But I also found her a hypocrite, because while she preached she still lit up, the media dubbing her as “too addicted to quit.” Her death was very public, and that’s what pissed me off. It was like a week of news coverage and newspaper articles praising this woman and glorifying her final hours and her death, I remember turning to mom and dad and saying: “What makes her so damned special??? Nobody made a huge deal out of my battle, and the shit I went through. There was no public announcement, or thousands of people at Bill’s or Evelyn’s funerals, nobody praised their battles, nobody gave a shit about them dying. What makes her so fucking special????” From that moment I decided not to write that book, because I didn’t want the attention, I didn’t want the “fame”. I thought it very disrespectful of the people I fought beside and had become friends with, and to those friends that battled  cancer with me and lost their battles.

         I’m sorry if that sounded really bitter and mean, even cold-hearted, but that was how I felt at that time. I had a lot of anger in me back then, and I guess that lady was there and became a target for me. Though I do hope she rests in peace, and she is in a better place now.

         Well, to this day grandpa still bugs me to write that book, though I have told him that I won’t. So, as a compromise. I will put it on here, so that here I will not get paid for it, because I refuse to be paid for being sick, AiSH is already doing that. At the same time I am still kind of fulfilling my grandfather’s wish. I feel if I put it here, I won’t be too big of a hypocrite, and if people don’t want to read it, that’s fine. If they do, that's fine too.

I do hope to accomplish three things out of writing this book.

1. Help me get past everything, because no matter how much I try to move on it’s all still there.

2. If any cancer fighters/survivors or soon to be victim’s read this, then hopefully they will find solace in knowing they aren’t alone. They don’t have to feel alienated.

3. People who have never dealt with cancer either through family, friends or themselves. Yes Cancer is scary, but you don’t have to shun those of us who are fighting. If anything we need support, not alienation.

NOTE: I have been working on this piece for 2 years now, it is by far not finished, and there are spelling mistakes and some facts that are either wrong or incomplete. These will be fixed in the future once everything is out of my head and on the computer. Things maybe changed around as I remember them, or added. I also tend to repeat myself, so if this happens, please let me know so I can fix it. Please be patient with me. Thanks.