In his eyes

In His Eyes
By: Jayson N. Maximo

Silence is a foolish man’s best friend and so I say that I am stupid for making it my closest pal. The hands of the clock stop on number two and never seem to move. I am counting its every tik-tak. My consciousness is floating with the stars as if it doesn’t want to retreat anymore. I know it will be both hard for my heart and my brain to face the reality because tomorrow will be the start of unending sorrow, grief, sadness, and despair.
I gaze up to the stars. It is bright. They call it super moon. It is smiling at me but I noticed some drops of tears falling down from its illuminating face. This reminds me of the same super moon that makes me smile for some time and now causes pain from time to time.
I get my medicine and take an unusual dosage. It feels like something hard is grasping my breath and my heart beats thrice faster than normal. Then it feels like I am reviewing my past. Like I am watching a film and he is always the main character.
It was evening in the 14th day of February when I have this chance to see a man who was teasing by group of people. That man is hitting into the wind. I feel very pity for him and ask my best friend to help him but we do not have enough force to throw away the goons. As a result, we watch him fall into the ground as he crawls for his piece of metal that he used as an accompaniment. The blood stains into his rosy face and scratch drawn all over his arms.
I and my best friend walk over him and help him to get up but this man throws our hands away. “We’re here to help you”, “I am sorry, I thought you are one of the bad guys” he said painfully. We take him in our house. I clean his face with warm water and apply some medicines. The piece of cloth glides into his skin as I wash it. His face is familiar. I’ve seen him in my countless dreams. I just wish that this time it is for real.
“May I know your name?” he said calmly. I don’t know how to respond in this his question. I feel some heat in my heart. In great shame, I asked my best friend to speak for me. “Elise” Dona said. “Elise...” he murmurs. “...that name sounds familiar, have we met before?” “No. ““By the way I’m John, and I know that there are lots of John in this world and to make it more specific, I’m John Tubera.”
His face is magical, he is indeed beautiful and the thing that he does not know that he is not handsome makes him even more good looking. His smiles make me smile, his words make me laugh, and his ways make me fall in love. His picture always marks in my mind from the moment I open my eyes until I closes them. He even appears in my dreams.
Through my best friend who happens to be my mom, our communication continues. We call each other very often and we meet for some time. Whenever we meet outside, I make sure that my mother is with me because I’m afraid with how will the people around us might react, I ‘m afraid that they might laugh at us.
He sings to me his favourite songs and tells me sweetest words. My love for him increases every day, as time goes by. My feelings are getting so intense that I feel so insane whenever I am with him but to confess this is to be desperate. What if I he will reject me? What if he loves me too? What If he does not? What if he views me as his best friend alone? What if he does those things just to win friendship? What if he is naturally sweet? Then, I have no choice but to keep my mouth shot, stay silent and enjoy the things he do for me.
I never thought that these things will end. Then, another super moon came, he asked me to go to his place. This time I am accompanied by no one. I hold his hands signalling that I am his side. The light of the moon reflects on his innocent face. I notice some bits of tears falling from his blank eyes. “I have to tell you something, this is really important” he said seriously. “I have to leave, I will undergo operation for six months but I am not sure that will be successful or not” I hold his hands very tight “…but I am sure for one thing, If you tell me to go I will go, and if you tell me not to go, I won’t go.” I am so shock. I do not know what to do. My lips are shaking. Tears fell from my eyes. If he will go to the operation, I may and may not see him again.
“Do you want me to go to the operation?” I want to say “No” but my tongue cannot utter even a single vowel. I want to object but my mouth cannot produce even a single sound. “Do you want me to go?” he repeated. “Silence means yes.” Tears now flowing from his innocent eyes.”I understand if you want me to leave... But before I do that, can you give me a kiss as a goodluck” he smiles bitterly. I know that he is facing things out and trying to lesson the tension. I wipe his tears in his face and kiss him on his cheecks. I want to say “I love you please don’t go” but I can’t. I want to shout out that he’s all I need and all I want but I am cursed. How fool I am for letting go of my happiness. I pity myself.
For two weeks there were no call comming from him until one day an unfamiliar number calls me and I expect that it was he for he is the only person who knows I am talking over the phone. I ask my bestfriend to answwer the call for me. He called me up to tell that his operation will be executed two weeks from now. He also mentioned that he will say something important so my best friend handed me the phone. His message goes like this:
“There is something about you that I can explain. I like you. But that was before because today I am starting to love you. Any books could not explain what I feel for you. From the moment you touches my skin till the moment you kiss my cheecks you cause some power coming from my heart and flows down all over my body. You are the only woman that drives me like this. I love you, seriosly. I know its been three months since the first time that I met you but I am sure on what I feel. Time cannot define what we feel. Even a second is long enough to tell whether we fall in love or not. I love you. I super, extreme, and great love you. I know I sulked you when you did not object to leave but I realize that it is for my own sake. I cannot afford to plant anger at you my love. I love you. Whether my operation will be successful or not, I will visit you. Not to court you but to show you how much I love you.”
I can’t move on to his words. If his operation will be successful, then, that will mean ending for us. If the operation will be a failure, then, we can write more chapters of our story. Sadness fills my eyes. This time I am praying for the worst. I am praying for the wrong prayer. I am selfish Iknowl. If I will not be selfish, I will may loose the precious gift God has even given to me.
I don’t want him to see me like this because if he will, for sure he will abandon me. I don’t want him to know that I am like this because that will be a reason for him to depart me.
Every night I am praying that the operation will not be good for him and he will not get his sight anymore. I know it is wrong but if it will make a happy woman then I’ll do it despite the fact that I am saying a curse and not a prayer. Though it turns out that I am praying to Luciper and not to Jesus.
I miss him so badly. Everyday feels like a year passed without him. Without his pressence is like a year of grief. Oh lord he is the only person I’d like to spent my lifetime with yet he is the only person I cannot have for lifetime.
Still I am thankful to God for sending him my way. He taught me how to love, how to miss, how to get jealous and how to be broken. Love is truly dangerous yet it is drug that keeps us numb from all the aches it caused. I love him... I love him... I love him...
One day, I recieved a text message. It’s from him telling that the operation is but successful and he is comming to visit me.
Today, February 14, it is the same super moon who witnessed how our love story starts and now it is the same super moon who will witness how our love will end. I am afraid of rejection and I would rather die than seeing him happily married with other woman and playing with their children. To die is to weak but it may also mean strength.
Dark clouds cover me. It is all end.
Another day without my body. My soul wakes up without my body from the coffin. I see my relatives crying for me. Suddenly, he came, with flowers wearing dark emotion. My best friend talks to him who happens to be my mom.
I am afraid that he may know me. I am afraid that may know that I am the reason why he lose his sight when he is still a child, I am afraid that he may know that I am the little girl he saved from the falling glass that caused him to be blind, and I am afraid that he may know that I loose my speech because of that trauma.
My mother opens eveything. Every detail of the story. With all his force, he hit the vace with his fist and get a piece of glass and slit his eyes. I am trying to hold his hands so would not hurt himself but I cannot hold him anymore. Last words that I regret the most is: “It is hard to know that the woman I love is the same woman that I loved and saved before. It is much harder knowing that she suicides because of me. I would rather die with her.” I could not do anything but to watch him hurting himself because of me.
If were not commit suicide, maybe today will be the happiest day of my life... I f only...