Republican Party Leaders Suit Up for...

Republican Party Leaders Suit Up For One Final Heist

         At a press conference last Tuesday, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus reported that the RNC plans to dispatch an elite crime-fighting task force of politicians to steal the Obamacare legislation before it becomes effective.

         Responding to what it called the “ongoing crisis of readily available health care”, the RNC reportedly assembled its finest operatives -- a demolitions expert, a stealth expert, a driver, a sniper, a con-artist, and a guy with a ton of guns -- and briefed them on their top-secret mission at a secret location deep below the Ronald Reagan memorial library.

         “Gentlemen, in today’s world, the health of the American People is being threatened,” Priebus reportedly told his operatives in their mission headquarters that looks just like the Rebel Alliance base on Hoth from Star Wars. “This legislation will make it possible for everyone to be able to afford health care. That’s not what the people want! People are currently enjoying supporting the economy by taking out second mortgages to pay off medical bills for life-saving surgery. It must be stopped -- by any means necessary.”

         It is reported that, at a dramatic moment during this speech, Priebus sat silent for a while before saying in a husky voice,”We’re going to steal the Obamacare legislation on behalf of the United States.” It is also rumored that the task force later applauded his Nicholas Cage impression.

         The group is officially known as the Unofficial Defence League for the Protection of Lady Liberty and All Her Freedoms but they prefer to be called “The Avengers”. The lethal team of policy makers is believed to be headed by tactician expert Speaker John Boehner who will not be acting in the field due to his natural luminescence, which may give away their position. Major reconnaissance is reportedly being handled by Eric Cantor, who also doubles as the group’s con-artist.

         The Avengers plan to silently parachute on top of the roof of the White House where they will take out surveillance and exterior security systems. They will then rappel down into the main atrium where they will have to avoid stepping on booby-trapped tiles that activate poison dart mechanisms.

         At this point, the team will split up. Half will ascertain the objective while the other half will destroy any electronic evidence of the President’s socialist plot to destroy the American spirit. This is where Michele Bachmann, the thief of the group, will slowly contort her body down a long hallway of lasers where she will find the legislation sitting in a glass display case. To avoid the weight-sensitive security trap, she will replace the legislation with an equally heavy medical bill from her latest botox procedure.

         The group will then rendezvous on the front lawn where they will T.P. the grounds before meeting at the extraction point with their invisible jet.

         It sounds like a cakewalk, but the team will have their work cut out for them. Never has so much been at stake; especially with all the innocent insurance companies who have suffered loss of life and limb to secure their right to charge impossible rates and deductibles from the American populace. “I don’t do this for the regular Joe or (y’all know how much I hate ‘em) the immigrants. No, I do this for the little guy. I want to be able to walk down my street and look Timmy in the eye and tell him I’ve done everything in my power to ensure the birth of a possible baby sister won’t be in his parents’ plan due to the astronomical cost of the medication,” read an intercepted office memo from Sarah Palin, the group’s munitions expert.

         “With the forces of Communism attacking our American way of life, The Avengers must restore that way of life by any means necessary. Even if it means violence,” Priebus reported. “That violence is nothing compared to the pain the American people would suffer in a life under the tyranny of Obamacare. We will not rest until every single American enjoys expensive health care that will discourage them from receiving life-altering treatment.”

         Priebus refused to comment on a rumored mission to put a flaming bag of dog poop on the President’s front door.