Watch Out for Crack Whores!

So there we were, just a couple of innocent girls, sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather on our break one day last year.


You need to have a good picture of this situation. The back of our building opens to a parking lot, which is surrounded on three sides by the backs of other downtown businesses. Two of these buildings are divided by an creepy stinky alley, which is usually full of pee and beer due to the vagrants sleeping there. If you're brave enough to venture down the Hall of Hell, and my friends and I are most definitely, you'll make your way to our after-work hideaway...a dark little dive bar which will remain nameless to protect the innocent.


On this glorious afternoon, the three of us, Princess YeeHaw Pretty Pretty, Trouser Snake Charmer King, and me (QPJ), were sitting in our circle discussing the problems of the world, when out of the shadows of the Hall of Hell comes the crack whore. Now we've seen her before, in all states of drunkenness and undress, so we were familiar with her attitude and knew what to expect. She stumbles her stinky ass over to us where she proceeds to tell us her life story. Although Princess and Snake Charmer try to continue our conversation, while attempting subtle pleasantries with our guest, the crack whore had no intention of engaging in an actual conversation; she simply wanted to talk while we listened.


Blah, blah, blah all about "being born with a silver spoon in my mouth."


"I came from a very affluent family from the northeast and cannot understand why all these illegals are taking my land."


"My daddy would come down here and shoot 'em all."


Then, completely unprovoked and unexpected, "And where I'm from only sluts wear shoes like that in the middle of the week."


WaitWHAT?! Yes you read that right and I heard it correctly. And you know she was talking to ME! And what was I wearing that provoked this woman to call me a slut while I'm busy at work nourishing the minds of our country's youth?! A stylish, yet versatile, pair of leopard-print stilettos, that's what: very beautiful shoes if I do say so myself!!


Well, I thought Princess YeeHaw Pretty Pretty and Trouser Snake Charmer King were going to come unglued! There was a brief mentioning of beating the shit out of the crack whore and taking her beer. There might have been a small discussion of tying her to the tree behind us. Perhaps someone might have even mentioned dragging her ass back up the alley and watching her play drunk Frogger across the busy downtown business district. But none of that happened; we're ladies, for Pete's sake! Haven't you figured that out yet?! My little posse simply chased her off the property and passed her along to the guy who was offering to buy her a sandwich.


Now every time I wear those shoes, someone has to call me a slut! As you can imagine, I would prefer another kinder term of endearment, but I'll take what I can get.


But I still can't help but wonder: why didn't that guy offer to buy US a sandwich??!!