Seven Days

When it started, it was beautiful. I would attempt to explain, but my clumsy words would destroy the sanctity of it.

I was me. We were one. Nothing in the world made me happier.

Then things changed. The situation was complicated, and you pushed me away, needing space. I didn’t realise it was more than that, and tried to hold tight. Too tight. I crushed the wings of my angel that I should have let fly free.

And you went away, and I was broken. Anger and pain ebbed and flowed, both at you, and at myself. I did what I could to salvage the pieces, but it was only a shallow copy of myself that I pieced together.

For a while, it seemed right. I was moving on, or at least, in my mind I was.

I then did the worst thing I could. I started with someone else. They saw the hurt, and wanted to be there, and I let them. They gave themselves to me.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t, even if I wouldn’t admit it at the time. I hid the part of me that would belong to you forever behind the pain.

Then you came back. You told me all the things I had wanted to hear for so long. But my pain was still fresh, and life a hellfire burning through me, I lashed out, taking my turn to push you away. I know I hurt you, and it scarred my soul.

And I tried to tell myself that I had moved on.

I gave as much of myself as I could to someone else, but hid the most important parts, lying to myself that I could be genuinely happy.

I was happy, but not completely. I used the new situation to hide, to try and heal. And in doing so, will now cause so much pain to people that don’t deserve it. People who I care about, but I know I can never truly give myself to, and who deserve so much more than someone like me, someone who can’t give what they should.



And then you came back again. I let you in briefly, thinking I had control. But when it comes to you, I don’t. It was like a part of my soul coming back.

We talked, and that lead from the innocent to the real. Despite everything that had happened, nothing had changed. I still loved you more than I thought possible.

Then came the day. You wanted me to be happy, felt that you were simply complicating my life. You wanted to step away forever and the screams within my very being almost deafened me.

We agreed that we would not talk for 7 days, and that I would try and fix my situation with this other person.

All the time has done is made me realise the mistakes I’ve made. The mistakes in letting you go, for all the hurt and pushing. How I have used someone else to try and hide, to try and lead some semblance of a real life without you.

I know now that a real life without you would never happen. Anything I did would never last. And now I know what I have to do. But I’m scared. I must break the hearts of those who I care deeply for, but who deserve so much more than I can give. I must then walk a road alone for a while, and turn to the one person during that time that scares me the most.

Myself.

I know I can’t put pressure on you to meet me, or be with me; we have been down that path before and it lead to disaster, but I can’t live in a lie.

I will need to find the courage to do what I have to do, and I know it is going to hurt, but everyone deserves the truth.

And I’ve always been honest with you. I love you. This is the choice I make, for I am my own person. And I need to hold my head high and move forward, and hope that maybe, one day; I’ll round the corner and find you waiting for me.