The Altered

         It hurts. Sitting here listening. Sitting here reading. Sitting here knowing. It all hurts too much. It kills me know what I know, feeling what I feel. It kills me. I can handle that though. I can get through, I always have. It hurts. It kills me. I get through. What I can't handle? Something hurting you, something killing you, because I don't know if you will always get through. I don't doubt your strength, you've made it this far haven't you? Haven't you?  I'm broken but I've accepted it. My dad never hit me, my brother doesn't do drugs, my mom's not a hooker and I've never been near death. That doesn't mean I'm fine.

         The man I love has decided to throw his life away because of stupid things we said when we were younger. My best friend broke his arm...because he jumped off of his roof. I sleep with scissors under my bed just to keep voices in my head from shrieking. The only thing that kept  me alive all of these years now hates me...he taught me to always keep my promises. Without his word man has nothing! I promise I will always love him. He promised he would always be there, he would always protect me, he gave me his ring to prove it. He hates me now...(have I said I'm sorry. I would have but I didn't have the chance...you hate me now. You taught me to always keep a promise. I promise I will always love you, even now, even though you hate me. Forever and For Always.)

         I swear that I will protect you. I've never been able to protect myself, never been able to say no, never been able to make the right choice. However, I swear with everything inside of me I will protect you. It's selfish really, I'm protecting you to help myself. To prove that I have some power, the power to protect, to control something...anything. I give you my word. My Word as a man. My Word as a woman. I give you my word that I will not leave, I will be here. When you need me, when you want me, I will be here.

         It killed me last night. When you called me. Not that you called me but the way you called me. You were crying. People say I can comfort but I was scared. I didn't know what to do. You were crying and you needed me and I didn't know what to do. I sat there, we sat there, crying. For three hours, crying, we sat there. I didn't know what to do but you needed me so I did what you needed, I cried. We cried. Nothing was solved but I was there for you. I will always be there for you. I give you my word.

         I can't figure you out. I don't understand. But I know more than you think. I will be there. You worry me and I don't know what to do. I will be there. I miss you more than you know. I will be there.

         I love you (Forever and For Always). I am here.



                                Maddison...