Cool Grandma

Cool Grandma



Agnes Preuss sat quietly in her wheelchair as her daughter, Caroline, wheeled her up to the reception counter.

"Good morning, Agnes," one of the nurses said cheerfully. "How are you today?"

Agnes grunted, not really in the mood for conversation yet. It was only 8:30 am for Christ sake!

"Mom." Caroline stated, sounding like an old mother hen. "Can't you say good morning to nurse Sandy?"

Agnes didn't respond. She didn't feel like it.

She grabbed her burnt orange afghan on her shoulders and pulled it tighter. Why was it always so cold in these places? It was a clinic with a hospital attached. Shouldn't it be warm?

She wondered if her husband Larry was warm in room 312, the geriatric wing, where he had been for several weeks now. She imagined him lying in a plush adjustable bed with tons of covers and the most important thing, the remote. The tv was probably blaring away, probably disturbing everyone on the wing. She envisioned his pop-bottle glasses sitting on the very tip of his nose, about ready to fall off. She imagined the young attractive nurses coming in to fluff his pillows for him and to make sure he had everything he needed to be comfortable and happy. He probably thinks he died and went to heaven all ready, she thought with a smirk. Ah that Larry. He was most likely happy indeed.

"Ok Agnes, we have you all checked in to see Dr. Croger. He's running a bit behind I'm afraid, so it might be a bit of a wait today." Nurse Sandy said cheerfully, a big smile on her tanned, unwrinkled face. She was probably in her 20's in Agnes's estimation. Young. Vibrant. So much to look forward to. Her own 20's seemed a blur at this point. Where they went, along with her 30's, 40's, and 50's and beyond -she had no clue.

"Mom, I'm going to park you right over there by the magazine rack. Since Nurse Sandy said it's going to be a wait today, I think I will run upstairs to visit Dad for a few minutes, if that's ok with you. I'll have Sandy keep an eye on you. I promise I will be back in no time." Caroline said, talking to her as if she were a child, unable to sit in a waiting room by herself. Hmmmffff.

"Yes, Dear, that's fine." Agnes said, trying to not sound annoyed. "Give my old Larry a pinch for me, will you? Right in the arm."

Caroline laughed, "Ok Mom, if you say so."

"I DO say so." Agnes growled, "I'm sure by now he's done something to deserve it."

Caroline parked her mothers wheelchair next to the magazine rack, as promised, and gave her a small kiss on the cheek.

"I'll be right back Mom." She said, going to speak with Nurse Sandy first, and then quickly heading down the hallway past the elevators.

Ahhh. Alone at last. Alone with my thoughts, she thought happily. She missed the days when she was able to live on her own. Now, there was always someone hovering around, wanting to talk or entertain her in some way. She hated it. She would much rather have her chair parked on the patio so that she could look around and watch people and animals. She could damn well entertain herself. All she needed was a cup of fresh coffee, and she could sit there for hours.

Agnes looked around the waiting room. There was a lady with a tiny baby in one of those infant carriers rocking the carriage as the baby slept. The woman looked totally pooped. She wore no make-up, wore sweatpants, and her hair looked like it hadn't been combed in a while. Agnes remembered bits and pieces of those days. Days when her children, Henry, Karl, Mary, and Caroline were all little, all under the age of 10. Her house was never clean, there was always someone sick or crying or both. Someone took something away from someone, causing someone to push someone down. On and on it went. Complete madness. How she managed to get through those days as her husband, Ken, was on the road driving truck, she hadn't a clue. It was basically single parenting, because he was never home more than a couple of days at a time, then he was off again, and she was alone. Alone to deal with 4 needy kids, a dog, a cat, a rabbit and two birds that squawked continuously. More than once she'd thought about letting Ken's stupid beloved birds out of their cage and out the front door. Just thinking about this time in her life made her feel anxious. Good luck, Lady, Agnes thought, taking pity on the tired-looking new mom. If you're smart, you'll quit while you're ahead. Before you end up pulling all your hair out and locking yourself in the bathroom just to get a moments peace.

There was a young man sitting next to the fish tank who had crutches and a cast on his leg. He was probably about the same age as her Karl was when he broke his foot while jumping out of a tree. On the first day of summer vacation, nonetheless, there by ruining his summer, and everyone else's. Kid put on 30 pounds in 3 months. It was not a fun time.

There were two nicely dressed ladies around Caroline's age sitting next to one another reading magazines, totally oblivious to anything going on around them. Neither even looked up or missed a word when Nurse Sandy called the names, "Laura" "Michelle" "Elaine". They were probably on their lunch breaks or picking up their kids. Agnes remembered carting the kids all over god's creation in her old reliable station wagon. She had that thing until it flat out died. What a great automobile! It had been more dependable than her husband. It was certainly there more. Ken up and died from a heart attack when they were only midway though their 40's. Probably because of all those awful pork rinds he constantly ate, Agnes thought. Oh how just the thought of them made her stomach queasy, even now. She couldn't help but wonder, however, what life would be like had Ken not kicked the bucket when he did. Would they still be married? That would mean there would be no Larry though. And Larry was the love of her life. True, they never had kids, and true, his own kids with his ex-wife never really took a liking to her, but she and Larry were a great pair. Larry loved her. Which is more than Ken did, Agnes thought angrily, although deep down she knew better.

Two teeny-boppers came be-bopping up to the seats right next to her, chatting all the way. Great. Agnes thought, So much for my peace and quiet. One of the two whispered something in the other ones ear and giggles came.

Agnes looked at them and growled, "Something funny, young ladies?"

The blond one had little ear phones in and didn't hear what Agnes had said. But the brunette with metal on her teeth made a funny look on her face.

"Oh nothing, Granny. It has to do with a text she got when we got here, that's all. A text is a message sent on a cell phone, in case you don't know."

Agnes was instantly annoyed. Granny. Hmmmffff.

"I know what a text is! I text all the time. I'm probably twice as quick as you. It's a hidden talent of mine." Agnes said, turning her nose up.

"Yeah, right." The girl said, elbowing her blond friend who took her ear phones out.

Both girls stared at Agnes with wide smiles.

"Do you even know what a cell phone is?" Came the retort.

Agnes reached for her purse. She'd show THEM. Silly little scrawny twigs! Since when did young girls become so disrespectful? In her day, she would never have spoken to an elder in that manner. Of course she wouldn't be parading around in short-shorts and and a tube top either!

Agnes pulled out her brand new, top of the line cell phone, complete with a pink zebra stripe cover on it. The brightly colored case had been given to her recently by her Granddaughter, Susannah, as a 70th birthday present. Susannah said it would make her look like a "Cool Grandma". Agnes humored the pretty girl and put it on her phone, commenting, in her typical Agnes fashion, "Next time get leopard. I like big mean cats better than useless passive zebras."

"Now give me one of your numbers and I'll blow your minds." Agnes said, leaving the girls to laugh hysterically.

The blond girl pulled a pen out of her tiny wallet-sized lime green purse and wrote her number on a gum wrapper. How quaint. She handed it to Agnes, probably thinking the old woman was crazy. Confused. Senile. Imagine her surprise when seconds later the old woman's thumbs went to work on the keyboard, fast as lightning, sending her a message that read: "Ha. Told ya, you silly girls!"

Both girls roared with laughter yet again, they were practically falling out of their chairs.

"Funny? I think not. Now go home and get some clothes on. You look like harlots. Harlots are street walkers, in case you didn't know." Agnes texted.

More screeching laughter. She'd shown THEM.

"Hannah." Nurse Sandy called from the reception desk. The brunette looked over at her and grabbed the blond by the elbow.

"I'm Hannah." She called, "Come on Kylie!"

Both girls scampered to their feet, pretty much tripping over one another. It reminded Agnes of the way she and her sister Vivienne had been growing up. Together all the time. Inseparable. How she missed Vivienne, who was now up in heaven with their parents and her Ken. Life wasn't the same without her. Damn cancer.

"Well, Granny," Hannah said as they walked past, "You're probably the coolest Grandma I've ever met! Keep texting, it will keep you young!"

"Keep me young?" Agnes barked, "That would mean I would have to BE young."

"Well, you know what I meant. See you around!" Hannah said as she and Kylie shuffled past.

"Bye" Kylie said sweetly, with a little wave.

And then it was quiet again. But not for long.

Caroline was back.

"How are you doing Mom?" She said, coming to sit next to Agnes. "Can I get you anything? Larry says Hello. Oh, and he told me to tug your earlobe, which I am NOT going to do."

Agnes's eyes watered for a moment. Larry. What would she do without him?

"That old goat," Agnes said. "How is he doing? Will he be coming home soon?"

"I'm not sure, Mom. They're running some tests again today. He seems in good spirits though. He sure loves to be waited on by those nurses. I never knew Larry to be such a flirt!" Caroline laughed

"I knew it." Agnes said, "That's my Larry."

"Agnes." Nurse Sandy called, as it was finally time for her to see Dr. Crogan.

"Oh... that's us." Caroline said, getting behind the wheelchair and maneuevering her around to the doorway.

Kylie and Hannah appeared, giggling again, apparently on their way out.

"Bye Cool Grandma!" They both chimed as they passed her.

Agnes, still with her cell phone in reach, quickly texted "Goodbye Girls. Thank you for making my day."

She didn't look back to see the girls reactions, but she heard, yes again, giggling.

"Guess you made some friends while I was gone, huh Mom?" Caroline said, pushing her chair into the room, "You big show off!"

"You're just jealous." Agnes gloated, "See if anyone ever calles YOU a cool Grandma."

Caroline laughed, "You are pretty cool, Mom. You always have been."

A tear slid down Agnes' cheek.