Memories of 13

It was so obvious it must have been embarrassing to watch. How a girl like me fell for a guy like him. See here's the thing, I'm not deeply religious or anything but there are certain ground rules in my home--one of which is that every one of us kids has to go through Confirmation. I'd been trying to convince mom that I was converting to Buddhism for the longest while to no avail--she still hauled me off to church and signed me up for Confirmation classes. On the bright side, she did agree that if I got properly confirmed I'd never have to set foot in a church again.

The first Saturday I resigned myself to attend (because classes would be on a Saturday as the perfect way to destroy a great weekend), I wound up in the back row--I'm pretty sure Jesus could have found me just fine there. As I busied myself getting ready to be bored out of my mind, a late arrival made his debut in our small company.

He had curly hair, mischievous green flecked eyes and a wary smile that immediately made my stomach feel like someone with cold hands had grabbed it from the inside. I felt myself suddenly shy and excited at the same time--who was this person?

My teacher Rayann in an unaffected way that I came to learn was her natural manner, lazily scanned the class for an empty seat--which fortuitously was right next to mine. I endeavored to keep a straight face as he made his way towards me--God he was so cute!

He sat next to me and settled in while Rayann went on to teach us something I can vaguely recall. He turned to me, "You look bored too."

I flashed my stellar smile and wittily replied, "And here I thought I was doing a damn good job hiding it."

He laughed. It has the slight raspiness of a voice not yet accustomed to being broken. "I wish we had something to do to kill the time," he said with a sigh.

I chuckled and pulled out a deck of cards. His face lit up and we quickly fell to playing Rummy. Needless to say he and I became fast friends--or at least Confirmation pals. I looked forward impatiently to the weekend when I could go see him again with a prefabricated excuse. Our activities together grew more elaborate as the aforementioned pack of cards had long since been confiscated by another Confirmation teacher called Kathleen--a woman more pious that a saint and bossy enough to piss off Job.

Kathleen, who for various reasons, disliked our year (or more specifically our class), had been threatening to make us do confirmation classes all over again if we failed to "buck up". Father Christopher, who was as much an avid football fan as he was a man of the cloth and who had made that never to be forgotten slip up during the Our Father prayer where he beseeched God to "...lead us not into Germany" during the World Cup mania, finally put his foot down and informed us all--much to our genuine surprise, that not only would we be graduating but that we'd be doing it early--on Valentine's Day. While we groaned out loud--well those of us who actually had Valentines--he mumbled something about it being a symbol of love and what statement it made to give ourselves to God on such a day. I personally believe that he just didn't want to have to miss any of the major football matches that season because of the service.

I don't know what sorting method they used to get the seating order but during rehearsals, I found myself in the front row--an awful position that would deny me the opportunity to sleep during the service. He was sitting right behind me, blocked from the view of Kathleen's hawk eyes.

Valentine's Day began as a drizzly Saturday. My hope that it would wash out the service proved futile as it cleared up before lunch and gave the world a dazzling aftereffect. My hair had been pulled into curls and I was decked off in white which--even if unflattering to my figure--was still corresponding with the requirements as dictated by Kathleen in a wordy two page handout which informed me for the first time that God was against among other things dreadlocks and other elaborate hairstyles.

I arrived and greeted all my classmates from Confirmation excitedly. It felt kind of like a school trip. I saw him, he was with some of the other guys in a group. I went off to greet him--it was a brief exchange--he seemed kind of distant but I shrugged it off as him just being irritated at the prospect of sitting inside a church for over two hours. As I was leaving I noticed one of the boys saying something to him and then the group started laughing--but I paid it no mind--I had no reason to.

When we were called to order and marched into the church in soldier-like fashion, I realized that the entire thing would be broadcast to the screens outside as the church was too packed to accommodate all the parents. It was extremely discomforting to have the glaring lights of cameras beaming down on me but the situation was made even more frustrating as he decided to crack jokes every time the camera aimed in our direction. My face contorted furiously as I stifled the urge to laugh. During the short intermission where we offered each other the Sign of Peace, he found my ring to be fascinating and temporarily relieved me of it.

Finally as Father began to pray signalling the last half an hour of mass, he slipped the ring back into my hand and muttered matter-of-factly, "Hey you wanna go out with me?"

I was taken aback to say the least. "What?" I asked nonplussed but inside trembling with joy.

Barely fighting back a smile I listened as he asked it again. "I'll tell you after," I replied as I turned back to pretend to be praying along with Father while inside my heart the 'Hallelujah' chorus from Handel's Messiah had burst forth.

Almost inaudibly as the choir began to sing with gusto, I heard someone say "see I told you she likes me."

Something twinged and I felt on edge as the notes of the music that had sprung forth in my head began to play ever so faintly off-key. I really don't think I can recall the rest of the service. It was finally over and we were now one step further along on our journey of our religious life. Rayann came around and distributed our certificates. He and a couple of guys were missing much to her irritation. To calm her and the slight anxiety in my chest down, I volunteered to go look for him.

As I went around the back of the church, dodging groups of laughing families gaily exchanging greeting, my eyes spotted him with the same group of boys I had seen him with earlier.
Something about them made me conceal my approach in the shadows of the church. I warily approached the laughing group quietly.

He was speaking. "Did you see her face? It was priceless!" The group burst out laughing again.

"Wow she really does like you," another replied.

"So did she say yes?" Questioned another.

"Nah," he answered, "she said she'd give me an answer afterwards."

"I won't be too mean. I'll just see if I can avoid her tonight and get out of here before we meet up again. That way I wont have to reject her to
her face."

The sounds around me seemed muted and I felt like reality had gone hazy. I made an about face and slowly walked back towards the inside of the church. I happened to meet another classmate, and explaining that I hadn't found him, begged that she look for him instead to relay Rayann's message.

It's amazing how your body can function even when it feels like your heart has stopped. My movements for the rest of the night were automatic as I felt something painful about to burst out every time I opened my mouth. Finally it was all over and I was left alone in my room where I broke down in silent sobs that had been threatening to overwhelm me. It had been the worst Valentine's Day ever. My heart had been broken by my first crush.