You and Me

(For my Grandmom who passed away recently...)

As i was the only person next to you when you left us, there was a deep sense of helplessness and pain that enulfed my pounding heart. A million thoughts at once, to somehow make the last few efforts that we could to stop you from leaving.
But as they say, God's will is more powerful than ours.

And then again when i sit down now and think of you, with that bright, glowing smile and the mischievous glint in your eyes, i realise with a heavy heart that this was possiby the best way for you to leave. Happy, surrounded by people that love you and active and mobile till the end. I know you would never have chosen a life of dependency. You didnt like that.

Our's was a strange relationship. Unique actually.
I have always believe that a relationship is best understood only by two people who have it, and yet our relationship was even more unique, sometimes even we both did not understand it fully perhaps.

from a joint family broken down, to staying in two different homes, and later moving back together with over a decade of constant togetherness.
We argued, disagreed on many things. But somehow we agreed on one thing. That we were so alike.
I inherited so many things from you. My passion for Music, my love for the Movies, my interest in spiritual practices, the coour of my skin, even my allergy to cucumber!
And the more subtle things, memory, keenness to observe, ability for people to like us instantly.
Also the stubbornness.

Two obstinate poeple getting together can be disasterous in cases, but it never was for us. That was a part of our relationship we enjoyed!
You took pride in having passed on these thngs to me and i felt grateful to have got these from you.

We shared a true and beautiful relationship, where we loved each other deeply with our flaws and blemishes. We understood each other deeply.

I remember how you refused to discard your two decade old alarm clock until it gave up completely, because i had come and picked it up with you after school one summer. Or the times you would stay up at night and wait for me to come into your room so that i could set the radio for you or check on a CD that was scratched.

The last few months were painful for you, and equally painful for me to see you like that.
The last two nights, as i sat next to you, in your chair, an watched you lie down helpless, my heart welled in sorrow. It was a pain i still cannot fully express.
In the two most painful days for both you and me, you still responded to me and my voice. You listened to your favourite CD and watched a little TV with me too, although i know you could not comprehend much.
You patiently nodded your head when i asked you to signal to me that you could hear me.

In this time and age, when people have given in to technology and find hardly any family time, we still caught up time for our chats where you shared your childhood stories with me. Occassionally about your early youth and the struggle you saw in your life.
You taught me how to cook some of the traditional aamchi dishes, shared with me some of the most amazing tricks on "pujas" and "fasts".

As now i know you have gone into a different world, yet i know you see me.
Watch me closely and guide me in ways only i will know.
I understand now, many of the words you said to me, which i did not fully comprehend then.
I now know that no matter what it may seem to anybody, and even if you could not voice it clearly, you have always stood to support me, rock solid. Like you expressed to me recently.

You have taken with you a part of me and my everyday life. You have left a void in my heart and in our home which cannot be filled in.
But i would like to keep you neatly tucked in a corner of my heart, snug and happy. With complete knowledge that your irreplaceable in it.