The Drowning

The Drowning

When we first gathered on the beach that night, no one guessed it was going to be a little different. We had bought the usual booze from a small shop on a corner of a street, we had guitars to play and matches to light fires with. We were mostly single, maybe a few couples excited about swimming naked at night for the first time. They had no idea yet that the group was counting on their ability to share everything. For the veterans, too, swimming was as much fun as in the beginning. The waters of the blue lagoon were more than used to us randomly being intimate with new members we didn’t even know, and we still did it every chance we got. It was like a tradition that we kept alive, because it was the only thing keeping us alive.

The clouds had covered the sky, making it darker than ever before. We had started two or three fires and were sitting down in the sand, listening to old songs that became new every time someone else sang them. I looked at the young faces around me, searching for a fresh girl to feel that ‘first-date’ excitement with. It didn’t take long for me to spot one that looked interesting; a blue-eyed girl, with short, layered black hair and full, burgundy lips. She was sitting in front of me by the fire, wrapped in a beach towel that somehow seemed too small for her.

I was about to go to her when someone sat down beside me. My first instinct was to turn around and see who it was, but the perfume in the air made it unnecessary. It was her, my ex fun partner, someone I had cared a little about until she had defied the rules of the group. We had had fun for a couple of weeks, but then she had become obsessive and intrusive, she seemed to want me all to herself. Words like “I love you,” and “I need you” didn’t mean anything to me and she should have known that. She had been warned. I wasn’t the type of person to listen to declarations of undying love, not because I didn’t understand what she was going through…I had my own demons. I just didn’t care. I had just chosen to be a part of something that finally gave meaning to my life, and I didn’t want to lose it. The connection with the group, the way we understood each other, the way we could be with each other without strings attached, the way we could count on each other during hard times, without questions, all these things kept me in the game and made me feel life was worth it.

I didn’t know how to make her stop anymore, and I didn’t want to get the others involved. I knew she couldn’t have paid the hospital bills if I did. So I ignored her, while she started whispering in my ear.

“Let’s go somewhere where we can be alone,” she was telling me.

“I need so much to be with you, to touch you like before. Please, I’m begging you, I need you so much. Why do you do this to me? Do you enjoy my pain so much? Please, I would do anything…”

Her words didn’t touch me. All I wanted was right in front of me. I got up and went to the blue-eyed girl who had caught my eye before. Her full lips, curved in a mischievous smile, invited me to possess them. Her body language, the way she looked up at me, the way she reached her hand towards mine, as the towel fell to her feet, everything made her look like she was practically asking for it. She knew it, too, and that made the image even more enchanting. I had to have her. I sat down next to her, took her hand into mine, and was about to whisper the usual line, when she said:

“Please, no more swimming. We can do it on the beach, but no more swimming for now.”

She was smiling at me, and I understood she wanted me as much as I wanted her. We stood up together and walked away, out of everyone’s view. I only wanted this one for myself this first time, and I wasn’t going to let someone, anyone, ruin it for me. Besides, the night was young, I had plenty of time to share whatever she had to offer. I smiled inside at the thought of watching someone else sleep with her. It was always fun, always a turn-on, even more so when I was invited to join in.

We were both naked, in the sand, when the ex showed up again. I should have known she would follow us, and I was a little angry about being so into this new girl that I hadn’t thought about it before. But it was too late, she was right in front of us, and she looked…upset. Without any warning, she started screaming at me that I had some nerve to be with someone else two days after I had been with her.

“You better shut up and leave us alone, or I’ll have to get someone and you’re not going to like that,” I tried to be gentle with her. I thought maybe she’d remember what that meant and she would leave. I was dead wrong. She had more guts than I expected.

“No, I’m not going anywhere. You can’t just use me and dump me, you’re not like that. I know you’re not like the rest of them. We could be together forever, I can make you so happy, happier than you’ve ever been before. I love you. And I know you love me too. They’ve just brain-washed you, why won’t you listen to me? We could go away from them and never look back. We could be so happy…I just love you so much. You don’t have to do this anymore, I am what you’ve been looking for your entire life, and you can have me… you can love me and not be afraid of love anymore.” She was almost crying, her screams had turned into sobs and I could see she was in pain, the kind of pain I had learned to live with long before meeting her.

“What YOU don’t understand is that if you don’t stop this right now and go back to the others, you’re the only one who’s going to end up bad. You know how much we dislike this kind of manifestations. You knew the rules when you joined us, didn’t you? Now go, it’s not too late.”

“It’s too late for me. I can’t live like this. I thought I could, but…” she was down on her knees, almost crawling towards us. “Please, I don’t know how to… I want you so much it hurts…”

“That’s why I’m telling you to stop this and go away… because I know it hurts… but I also know when enough is enough…” I couldn’t go on because the sounds of the sea had intensified in the background, and the wind had started to blow from all directions at once. All I could hear from her after that was:

“…but if I can’t have you, I’d rather not live at all.”

She started walking towards the waves, without looking back. I knew what she wanted to do, what she felt like doing, but I didn’t think she was serious about it. No one ever was serious about something like that. If she only wanted to somehow manipulate me into thinking she was going to take her own life, I wasn’t going to believe it. I knew her type, she was just desperate for some attention from someone she thought she was in love with. I watched her walking away, her small steps printed in the wet sand, her black hair falling on her shoulders, her delicate body almost knocked down by the wind. I wondered why would someone do something like that, but I didn’t have any answers. The others gathered around me, and I was a little surprised to notice no one had any intention of saving her. Maybe they thought, like me, that she was just trying to manipulate us; maybe they thought she was better off; or maybe they just didn’t care one way or the other.

We watched her going into the water, not fighting the tall waves and the strong current underneath, walking forward into the dark. From the line of the horizon, shapeless clouds were moving toward us, while lightening cut across them silently. We were mesmerized by the beautiful lights of the night, and soon we forgot about the girl who couldn’t deal with abandonment, like we all did. Before we knew it, the wind had faded away and the clouds were sliding into the distance. When we looked back at the water, there was nothing there. The waves themselves were gone and the liquid surface was still as it had never been before. We looked at each other in wonder, as if we had just woken up from a trance-like slumber.

“What happened?” I heard the voice of a blue-eyed girl who was holding my hand.

“I don’t know, but I think we were about to…you know,” I smiled at her and lead her back on dry sand.

We sat down next to a fire, and I started kissing her slowly, until her moans told me she was ready. I hadn’t felt so turned on in a couple of days, and no matter how hard I tried to remember who had made me feel like that before, I couldn’t.