The Girl from Utherland

Jeremy was trying to do his Algebra homework when he heard a voice call, ¨Yoo-hoo¨. He turned and saw Cervi the lion waving to him from the bookshelf. This made him put down his pencil and smile.

¨I am so happy to see you,¨ he said. Cervi had been sitting on Jeremy's shelf for as long as Jeremy could remember, and he seemed to be the only person that wasn't constantly putting Jeremy down. ¨How was your day?¨

¨The usual,¨said Cervi.¨I sat here, and your mother came into the room to clean. Vroom Vroom with the vacuum! She really gets crazy sometimes. How was your day?¨

This made Jeremy stop smiling.¨Well, I was late for school, so my homeroom teacher said, 'How nice of you to join us this morning, Jeremy!'and all the kids laughed. Then I had Social Studies and it turned out that my project was due today, but I didn't have it done.¨

¨I thought that Social Studies project was due sometime soon, ¨ Cervi remarked.

¨Then at lunch, Howard Wanker threw food at me. And at Math, my Algebra homework wasn't done, so Mr. Lyons yelled at me about that. Last, we had gym, where a group of boys punched me in the locker room.¨

¨Since you started Junior High,¨ Cervi observed, ït seems that all of your days are like that.¨

¨Well, not all of my days,¨said Jeremy with a smile,¨only the ones when I have school. Anyway, at least I know when they're over, I'll have you to talk to.¨He gave Cervi a pat on the head.

Äh!,¨ said Cervi. ¨Well, what do you want to do now? I could tell you about the time that I singlehandedly saved Utherland from invasion by fighting off six ogres from Sucklemoor.¨

That sounded exciting, and Jeremy quickly forgot about his Algebra homework to listen to the story.



The next day, Jeremy came home from school very excited. ¨Cervi,¨he called,¨as he ran up to his room. You'll never guess what happened today!¨

¨Probably not,¨said Cervi unimpressed. ¨Why don't you tell me?¨

¨Well, at lunch, Howard Wanker was throwing tator tots at my table and-¨

¨Doesn't that happen every day?¨

¨Well, yes, but it doesn't end there. You see this girl came up to my table and asked if she could sit there.¨

Cervi's ears pricked up. ¨Did you say a girl?¨

¨Her name was Patti. She spells it with an I.¨

¨Excuse me, but do you mean a person with a vagina and all that other stuff?¨¨

¨Um Yeah, and she's really cute too. Long blonde hair that she usually wears in a ponytail, and she likes to smile and laugh a lot. She sat at my table and we talked and, well, to be honest, I don't remember what we said exactly except that we didn't talk about tator tots. That was the great thing. She didn't seem to notice that Howard was throwing tator tots at me. She just treated me like any other person.¨

¨Hmmph!¨ said Cervi, ¨first of all, I'm willing to bet that she did notice the tator tots. They were probably the reason that she spoke with you in the first place. She felt sorry for you.¨

Jeremy didn't like the sound of that. He didn't want to be pitied. ¨Do you really think it was like that?¨

¨Trust me,¨said Cervi. ¨I know all about these things.¨

¨Oh Please,¨said an unfamiliar female voice. ¨You know very little about these things.¨

¨What was that?¨said Jeremy looking at the closet where the voice had come from.

¨Ignore that!¨ Cervi warned.

But Jeremy couldn't ignore it. He opened the closet door and a beautiful woman stepped into the room. She was tall, a good few inches taller than Jeremy, and dressed all in a white garment which left her shoulders bare. To Jeremy she looked something like Patti except that instead of a ponytail her hair was down on her shoulders. Also her ears were pointed.

¨Who are you?¨ Jeremy asked.

¨I am the maiden from Utherland. Surely your lion told you about me once.¨

¨Jeremy does not like the kind of stories in which you appear,¨ said Cervi stiffly.

¨What kind of stories are those?¨ asked Jeremy.

¨The icky kind,¨ said Cervi. ¨Where knights meet beautiful maidens in the forest, fall madly in love, and all that other junk. Maiden, ¨he went on, ¨I suggest you leave now.¨

¨Why don't we let Jeremy decide that?¨ The maiden stepped close to Jeremy and pressed her body against his.¨

Jeremy thought about it for just a minute. First, he looked at Cervi. Then, he looked at the maiden. Then, he picked up Cervi.

¨Hey wait!¨said Cervi. ¨You can't do this to me. I'm--¨ But Cervi never had a chance to say what he was, because Jeremy tossed him into the closet and shut the door.

Then, he turned to the maiden who was smiling brightly. ¨Great,¨she said throwing his arms around his neck. ¨This is going to be fun,¨ she pressed her lips to his and before Jeremy knew what had happened, he could taste her tongue in his mouth. ¨There,¨ said the maiden drawing back. How was that?¨

¨Wonderful,¨ Jeremy admitted.

¨Good. Now would it be okay if I spent the night here? We could talk.¨

¨I guess it would be okay.¨

¨Good,¨ said the maiden sliding off her white clothes, so that Jeremy could see her whole naked body including the two white breasts on her chest and the two pink nipples. ¨Just wanted to get comfortable,¨she said, and she beckoned him over to the bed. Jeremy let her pull his face into her chest as they both collapsed onto the bed.



The next morning Jeremy woke up and noticed a wet stick substance on his sheets. He rolled over and saw that the maiden was still lying there naked. She gave him a sleepy smile. ¨Hello,¨she whispered. ¨It'll be time for you to go school soon.¨

Jeremy sighed. That was the worst news he had heard in while.

¨Oh. Don't be that way,¨said the maiden. ¨Think of whom you might see. Maybe that girl, Patti.¨

¨Oh,¨said Jeremy. ¨I suppose.¨

¨You know,¨ the maiden went on, ¨isn't there a dance coming up at your school, next week?¨

¨Yeah.¨ said Jeremy, ¨but I can't go. I don't have anyone to go with.¨

¨Well, why don't you ask someone?¨

¨Because I'm too scared they'll say 'no' ¨

¨That's silly,¨ said the maiden. ¨Maybe Patti wouldn't say 'no'.¨

¨Do you really think?¨

¨Try it.¨She smiled and planted a kiss on his lips.



When Jeremy came home from school that day, he was dejected, and seeing the maiden on his bed didn't make him feel much better.

¨Hey,¨ said the maiden brightly. ¨Did you see Patti today?¨

Jeremy nodded. ¨We sat together at lunch, again.¨

¨Did you ask her out?¨

¨I didn't need to. Howard Wanker did it for me.¨

¨I don't understand.¨

¨We were eating and talking. Things seemed to be going well. But then Howard came over to our table and said 'Hey, Jeremy, Do you like this girl? I'll bet she'd like to give you a blow job.' Then he looked at Patti and said, 'Hey, the school dance is coming. I'll bet neither of you has a date yet. Would you go to the dance with him?'¨

Just then there was growl from the closet.

¨Well, that's not the way it was supposed to go,¨ the maiden admitted, ¨but what did she say?¨

¨She didn't say anything. She just looked at me kind of sad and kind of disgusted. I know what the problem was. She didn't want to hurt my feelings.¨

Now, there was loud roar from the closet.

¨Well,¨said the maiden, ¨maybe it's not so bad. After all-¨

¨She did feel sorry for me. Cervi was right.¨

There was something about that last sentence that made the maiden's face fall. She slowly turned to the closet with a look of alarm.

At that moment, there was another loud roar as the closet door opened and Cervi bounded out. The maiden barely had time to scream before Cervi pounced on top of her and devoured her.



¨You know,¨said Cervi using the back of his paw to wipe some of the blood from his face. ¨She's actually a lot juicier than I expected.

Jeremy tried not to look at the bloody mass of flesh and blonde hair which was all that remained of the maiden. ¨Did you have to kill her?¨

¨Absolutely, she would have just given you more bad ideas, which would have only made your life more embarrassing. Trust me. You are better off without her.¨

¨I suppose you're right.¨

¨So,¨Cervi went on, ¨what do you want to do later? I could tell you about the time the Utherland was invaded by the blue dragons of Angoglorkey.¨

That sounded exciting and Jeremy soon forgot about the maiden to listen to the story.