Finding Freedom

Introduction

When I decided to quit smoking cigarettes, I really had no idea of what I was about to go into. It seems like it would be simple enough to just put down the cigarettes or just quit buying them, finding the freedom we long for by simply deciding not to smoke.

But in the end I discovered that there is a bit more involved with the art of quitting. I call quitting an art because it’s much like art. The more you practice, the better you become at it. Anyway, the reason for my writing this little E-book is quite simple. I wish to explain what it was like to give up an addiction as strong as cigarettes.

No information contained in this book is fact but rather observations and feelings that I had as I took the path to freedom. It’s a story about one person’s journey. The hope is that there’s something there for someone else. Something that might make the path a little easier or perhaps help another to believe that they can quit just as I did.

My objective is to be quite positive about my experience. It really can be a positive experience if we can just get past the discomforts created by the mind and body once we decide to quit. It’s a choice that really can be nothing but positive in nature no matter what our circumstances are. It’s a choice that gives us a shot at a brighter and longer future. It’s a choice that cleanses our bodies of so many carcinogens and chemicals that out bodies don’t need.

It’s a choice that in the end will give us a sense of pride and accomplishment. We all know smoking isn’t good for us and that practicing smoking is really the negative part of the entire experience.

This book is not about how to quit smoking. The methods that we use when we choose to quit are very personal in nature in my opinion. What this book offers is a little hope. Often I will use blogs that I wrote during my experience as I progressed onward to freedom.

Thanks for reading and as I said before, I hope someone can get something out of my observations that might help them achieve the freedom they deserve!

It begins with a thought

Truly, my experience began with a single thought. That thought was, “I’m going to quit smoking!”

Really that kind of thinking should generate some excitement within a person who is about to undertake this monumental life change. When I first allowed this thought to enter my mind, what it actually generated was a strange kind of terror within me. I realized right away that this thought did indeed hold a kind of power over me.

Perhaps this is why it takes so long for some to actually take the next step which is turning that thought into a kind of reality. Turning that thought into an actual quit. I think the reason for this is that we don’t possess the knowledge we need when we first decide to quit.

We don’t really understand that nicotine has created a powerful addiction within us. To me, this addiction turned the thought of quitting into a monumental fear of the unknown. Sure, we thought about quitting a lot in the past as we smoked yet another cigarette. In fact, I often thought about quitting as I was smoking. I think this is because so long as I was still smoking then my mind didn’t take the thought so seriously.

And then came this one day that was different. I had a lot of stress going on in my life at the time and found that I was pretty much chain smoking. I realized that I could never be one of those people who could smoke just one or two cigarettes in a day. No, for me it was all or nothing. Either I would smoke endlessly or I would quit. There was no in between for me.

And so on that day, I made a commitment to myself to quit. Not just to think about it but to actually do it! Instantly, the fear appeared. I was truly terrified at the prospect. I remember having sweaty palms and that I was shaking. In a way, this proved to me that I was serious. It proved that I had taken this one thought past the point of thought and had instead turned it into a reality that I intended to live.

I also realized at that moment that I needed some help. I found the number to the local quit line. I grabbed the phone and then set it back down. I lit a cigarette to calm myself and then put it out and picked up the phone again. I couldn’t believe the internal conflict that was going on inside of me.

I forced myself to dial the number realizing with each shaky entry on the telephone keypad that this was how it was going to be. One step at a time. The phone rang and I almost hung up. What was wrong with me?

A councilor picked up and asked if I was already enrolled in the program or if I would like to enroll. I thought about this for a moment and I swear my hand was reaching out to disconnect. I told her I wanted to enroll. She took my information and asked if I’d be interested in using nicotine patches to aid me in my quit.

I decided I was going to need all the help I could get and told her that I’d like to get those patches sent to me. She set up the delivery of the patches and asked me some questions about triggers and urges.

I really had no idea of what she was talking about at the time and she explained that triggers are life events that causes the brain to send a signal to the body that it was time to smoke. Now understanding what she was saying she asked if there were a couple of these triggers that I could work on in the next week.

I chose smoking at night and that first cigarette in the morning. We agreed that I wouldn’t smoke at night when I woke up and that I would delay that morning cigarette by ten minutes, adding ten minutes to this until I reached an hour. I agreed and was set up with a web site that they ran and told that they would call me in a week to see how I was doing.

I hung up and realized that I was still shaking violently and felt cold sweats. I lit a cigarette and began thinking about what I'd just done. Was I really going to go through with this thing? Could I go through with this thing? Do I have what it takes? Do I have the resolve?

So many conflicting emotions were going through my mind as I finished my cigarette. But one thing was certain. My thought was no longer a thought. It had become a reality. I really was going to quit smoking or at least give it a try. I knew I needed to calm down. The ball was now in my court. My future was now in my control. All I had to do was follow through. And I have to be honest. I was still scared!

But indeed, it all starts with a single thought. Translating that thought into a reality is the first obvious step to quitting. It’s the moment when we decide to take control of a large part of our futures. It’s the moment when we decide to change our lives forever.

For me it was the moment that I realized I must conquer this fear within me and fight my way to that first day. That first moment when I put out that last cigarette. I must learn a life that no longer has this evil creature influencing so much of it. Costing so much money. Costing so much health and potentially costing me a bright future.

So when you find yourself facing that day. When you realize for the first time that your thought is no longer just a thought, this is the time to embrace your future. This is the time to overcome your fears. This is the time to walk a path that has been walked by many before. This is the time to begin a journey that you can build on for the rest of your life!

Preparing to Quit

This is one of the most important parts when it comes to quitting in my opinion. The preparation stage of quitting for me was a time of learning. It was a time of discovery and a time when I gradually built my confidence that I could quit. It is indeed the time when we build a foundation to our quit. And to me, without a solid foundation the chances of success can be greatly diminished.

I followed the instructions received from my councilor, not smoking at night and waiting before that first cigarette in the morning. This proved to be a little easier then I expected and also helped me to gain some much needed confidence. I was accomplishing something and that something was helping me to see that I can actually work on controlling my own destiny.

The next day I received my information and a welcome packet from the quit line and logged onto their web site. I got myself set up and received an arbitrary quit date of January 31. That would have been three weeks from the date I received it which seemed like a long time.

I read the welcome packet from the quit line and for the first time was really introduced to the triggers and urges that we all must fight in order to win our freedom. I also found an interesting item called a pack tracker.

This was simply a grid on a piece of paper where I wrote down each cigarette that I smoked indicating the time, how bad the urge was and what my mood was when I smoked. I began filling one of these out on my first day and discovered that I smoked thirty-five cigarettes in that day.

I was amazed! I knew I smoked a lot but never really thought it was that much. I looked over the tracker and noticed something. There were only nineteen out of thirty-five times that I actually craved a cigarette. And so I came to an easy decision. The following day I only smoked nineteen cigarettes simply by cutting out the ones that my addiction didn’t dictate that I needed. In other words whenever I was about to light up a cigarette, I thought about the need or if I was actually craving a cigarette and realized that I wasn’t.

I was learning! That was the important thing and also I was beginning to give life to my future quit. Still thirsty for knowledge, I went back to the quit line web site. I’d already read everything that this site had to offer and wanted more. I went to the resources page and found a link to a web site called, “becomeanEX.org.”

I kind of liked the name of this site and clicked on the link. I was rewarded with a peer to peer web site that dealt with quitting smoking. There was a community there as well as a quit program on the main page. I enrolled on the web site and began looking around. I was amazed to discover a caring community of so many who like me were in various stages of their quits. I immediately noticed that people were very serious about quitting on this web site. This inspired me to leave a message to the community there.

I was greeted with all kinds of responses and encouragement. I was congratulated for my decision to quit smoking even though I hadn’t actually started my quit as of yet. Encouraged, I read blog after blog. Some were encouraging while others were kind of scary as people worked out the various problems they encountered with their quits.

I’ve always believed that a person can learn more from a community web site then could ever be learned from a web site that deals with nothing but facts. There’s just something important about the human aspect of quitting that can’t be written on the pages of a scientific journal because an important part of quitting is the human aspect of it all. It’s the things that we feel inside that are so very important when we’re learning a new lifestyle.

And so I continued to prepare for the big day. At the same time I was preparing to move to a new home which was also a very stressful situation. I even moved my quit date ahead three times before I actually quit, just to give myself the best possible chance for success. At least that was my thinking. In the end it was proven once again that there never really is a perfect time to quit.

As the big quit date got closer, I continued to read all I could about quitting. I read and read until I really couldn’t find more to read on it. I feel that preparation is an incredibly important part of the entire quit. This is what creates the foundation for the rest. This is what helps to determine just how successful we might actually be. I know I was cautioned by others not to over think the quit and just do it. There is some truth to that but I knew that the way my mind worked, I could immerse myself into it and still actually accomplish the task.

Using my pack tracker I was able to drop to ten cigarettes a day by the last week of my preparations. Things were going quite well. I felt like I must be ready. In fact, rather then dreading the big day, I was now becoming anxious. I wanted the day to arrive. I wanted to begin the journey. This meant I’d actually come a long way since the day that my quit was nothing more then a thought.

Still, I made myself wait for the date that I had settled on. I felt that I’d worked pretty hard on my plan and that I should stick to it since this was what my mind, body and soul seemed comfortable with. I had my patches ready and my support system was in place. There was really only one thing left to do. Say goodbye to those cigarettes forever!

What follows are exerts from my blog posted on becomeanex.org. I am including these because they closely represent my thoughts in the final days before my quit date.

Determination? You Bet!

I am one of those people in the preparation stages of quitting. I have to tell you, I'm taking this stage in my quit very serious. For me it's like building a strong foundation. If you can manage to build it properly then you can build the perfect house on top of it instead of a house of cards that could easily collapse.
This morning I realized that for the last two days I had smoked 12 cigarettes instead of the usual thirty-five or so that I smoked just five days ago and I actually beat myself up over this because I hadn't improved in the last two days.

And then I had to ask myself a question. Am I determined to build that foundation? Of course I am. Am I going to make sure the cement in that foundation is strong enough to hold up the house of my life? Of my future? Well, I realized that I wouldn't have even started this preparation if I didn't intend to have the strongest house that I could possibly build. A house that doesn't crack or sink after I finally reach my goal of quitting.

And I realized that for me, the foundation may be as important if not more so then building the actual house on top of it. I realized that over the last five days I have improved beyond my wildest dreams. I haven't reached my quit date yet but every day seems to bring me closer to the completion of my foundation. The thing that will hold me up when I do quit.

And so I continue on not just with the same determination. No way! Every day that I build on that determination is a day of life. Really, I've already cut my smoking down by two thirds! And I can feel the effects of the determination that it took me to get to this point.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are prepping to quit, take it one day at a time. Build on all you did the day before. Try to improve on what you've already done but if for some reason you can't then just try to stay where you are at the very least. Don't go backwards and I believe in the end that we will win!

Because though I didn't improve over the last two days, I'm now comfortable in the fact that right now I'm no longer a 35 cigarette a day smoker. No, now I'm a half a pack a day smoker and soon I won't be smoking at all and in the end I think that if you prepare hard enough. If you take it serious enough then the determination grows with that foundation and that could be the deciding factor on whether you can stay quit!

Every day I tell myself that I can do this and every day I believe it more and more. I'm no longer terrified of my quit day looming on the horizon. Instead I'm actually starting to look forward to it!

Mind over Mind?
January 11, 2011

Yesterday I wrote a blog about my determination when it came to quitting. In that blog I mentioned that I had held my cigarette intake at 12 cigarettes for two days and was kind of concerned that I wasn't continuing to reduce my consumption.

Well, at the end of the day I discovered that I had reduced my intake by two cigarettes. For the first time, I didn't need two pack tracker sheets to tally my smokes for the day. Funny thing is that I didn't do this intentionally. In other words, I felt no different then I did the last two days when I smoked twelve.

I think this is a case where my mind is accepting what my mind is saying. May not make sense to some of you but what I'm realizing is that I'm beginning to win this internal war with myself. The internal screaming for a cigarette is becoming less and less intense every day and now I'm finding it much easier to go much longer without one. In fact, it's just happening without my even thinking about it.

I think part of the reason for this is how serious I'm taking this quit. I go to sleep thinking not about a cigarette but rather about quitting. And when I wake up in the morning my first thought again is not about wanting a cigarette but rather about quitting. This kind of reinforcement is causing my mind to change it's old patterns of thinking. I'm becoming less and less dependent on this addiction with each passing day. If this trend continues I see no problem staying quit when the time comes.

And it all started with a little knowledge. A little work and a trust in myself that I can do it. So all I can say is that if your prepping to quit, give it all you got! Use this time to your advantage by teaching your mind how it's going to be in the end. Teach your mind how wonderful life can be without that cigarette. I know it might sound silly because we're trying so hard to NOT think about our addiction but I really believe that the more you analyze yourself and learn yourself the easier it becomes to talk to yourself effectively.

Perhaps I'm wrong. I don't really know yet as I haven't quit. .

Five days till quit date
February 16, 2011

Well, it's getting closer to the big day at last. All of my excuses to not do this have been exhausted. All my reasons for wanting to quit have come to the forefront of my mind. In five days I will wake up smoke free. And I find that I'm explaining to myself all the time how to achieve this wonderful goal.

As an example, I live at the base of several fourteen thousand foot peaks in Colorado. I always go outside and smoke a cigarette, looking at the beauty of nature as I create a kind of destruction of nature within myself. Last night as I stared at this glorious scene I asked myself, "So what are you going to do now instead of smoking a cigarette as you enjoy the beauty of nature?"
Thing is, I found an answer. A nice hot cup of decaffeinated tea. It was such a simple answer and one that my brain accepted. A moment of realization that yes, there are so many other simple things that can be enjoyed without destroying the body. I really don't have to have a cigarette to enjoy the little things that I've always loved.

And in the morning it will be a nice cup of coffee on the patio to start my day. Just the coffee and nothing else for nothing else is ever really needed. Am I nervous about my quit date? Well, maybe just a little. Am I scared of losing that old friend? I really don't need that kind of friend. Am I going to thrash around like some kind of lunatic when the big day comes? I doubt it. I will occupy my mind with life rather then death.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect it to be easy. Giving up an addiction never is. But I will come here in my weak moments. I will get through those short urges, knowing that they will pass quickly. And I will learn life without cigarettes as I use my NRT's. And then soon those will be gone as well and I will at last be free!

This is what I'm really looking forward to. The freedom!

Four days till quit date
February 17, 2011

The day draws nearer and the funny thing is that the wait is something that is working for me. I rarely feel an urge to smoke anymore but when I do, I wait for the urge to pass before I do have that cigarette. Some may wonder why I continue smoking at all if this is the case.

I think I've prepared my mind for this particular date and as such I have accepted that this is the day that I quit smoking forever. It's instilled in my very soul. And soon I will prove to myself that actions do speak louder then words. I no longer have a mental picture of myself as a smoker. Instead, I see myself as one who is climbing that mountain, eager to see the top of it.

The fear of quitting is fading away like a dream that I've awakened from. In four days I will wake to a new me. One that knows that life can be different. One who cares more and more about my future with each passing day for you see, quitting is a temporary situation. One that takes time, but a situation that does end. I just have to get over that hump. And then it's all a matter of living the life I really want to live. The one that I see in my mind's eye. The one that doesn't have a cigarette in it.

Three days till quit date
February 18, 2011

Well, it's getting closer with each passing day. The day of freedom that I so long to feel! The day when I take my life back from myself! I'm actually looking forward to it though every now and then the mind tries to rebel. But it's so easy to change one's thought patterns when what we are doing is something positive.

I found out that on my quit date, I may be travelling to work in another city. That may bother some but to me I see it as opportunity. You see, I've already beat the trigger that's associated with driving. It's one of the first one's I worked on and found it easy. And on top of that, I won't have any cigarettes with me. So really all I have to do is not buy any. That will be easy I think.
Even though my partner is an avid smoker, he won't get to me for you see I'm committed to this quit and have already decided that if I can't be around others who smoke then I won't be able to win this battle. I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. And he's the type that will at least roll down the window when he smokes.

Rather then look at what I'm missing I think watching him smoke will make me realize what I'm achieving. It will reinforce my reasons for wanting to quit. And since there's really no perfect time to quit I feel that attacking my quit head on and facing life's little challenges on my first day will be nothing but helpful to me down the road for you see, if I can get over the first little hurdle on a day that might not be the easiest then it will reinforce my mind that I can get through any day without the nasty irritating cigarettes.

Still looking forward to a smoke free life!

Two days till quit date – A day of preparation
February 19, 2011

Well, the day draws ever nearer and I still do not fear it. This is a day to prepare. To reflect on what my new life will be like. A day to see myself facing the challenges of everyday life smoke free. I started with something I haven't done since I first decided to quit. I haven't smoked in four hours. I've felt the urges come and go and each time this happens I've learned what might be my enemy in two days. But also, I've reinforced in my mind that I know how to cope with these urges. I'm turning my enemy into a thing I can understand and with understanding comes strength.

I know that even though I'm using the nicotine patch that the urges will still come and go. But the thing is that I have an understanding of them and I've practiced how to deal with them. This in itself takes a powerful weapon away from my addiction. This is my goal for today. To first understand the weapons that an addiction uses to keep us from our goal and second to know how to combat those internal weapons.

This is why I do not fear my new life. This is why I can instead find comfort in the fact that I won't be smoking. My path is clear. I know that I will follow it to the best of my abilities. This is the choice I've made for myself. No one made it for me and as such I shall be true to myself. Today I gain knowledge of my inner self. Today I reaffirm my future.

I'm climbing that mountain right now. Gaining strength with each step that I take. Flowing above the clouds and into the sunshine of my smoke free future. There's a rainbow at the top of that mountain and at it's base is the pot of gold, filled with my future. It's filled with life and it's filled with love for you see, by climbing this particular mountain I am insuring that I will see all that I love for just a little longer. And I'm proving one important thing to myself. I LOVE LIFE! I LOVE HEALTH! And soon I'll be flying off that mountain like a bird, free of an addiction that I don't need.

Ah. Another urge has just passed, proving to me once again that though it must be one step at a time, each step gets me closer to my freedom. . .

The final day – I will smoke my last cigarette tonight!
February 20, 2011

Well, the day has arrived at last. Tonight I will smoke my last cigarette at approx. 8:00. I've actually been looking forward to this day, to the moment, to the beginning! Yesterday I spent the entire day reading and thinking about this monumental moment in my life. And by the end of the day I was well, nervous.

Then I went to sleep and all night I dreamed about fixing things. I fixed walls, televisions, radio's, computers, you name it. I fixed them all and in the dreams I was very happy with the results of my actions. And when I woke up, there was no fear of what I was about to do. None at all. Not even the slightest doubt was in my mind about this moment.

I believe that my mind absorbed the crash course I gave it the day before. It accepted that this is the new course of my life and because of this, the fear of quitting simply and completely vanished! The thought process went on all through the night, realizing that I was fixing something that really needed to be fixed. There was an understanding created with myself and because of this, fear could no longer be an option.

I went to the store today and bought some tea for those nights when I want to go out and look at those mountains without a cigarette. I bought healthy snacks for the breaks we take at work and I've got lots of bottles of water ready to take with me. I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be for this. In the morning when the first craving hits, I'll remember the mornings when I practiced just for this. I'll know that it's a reality that the cravings will pass. I'll know that the first steps are the hardest and I will remember that any discomfort will only be temporary. I'll remember that I am fixing something that must be fixed!

I'll take my first steps into a smoke free world and I will do this without fear for I am ready!

NO FEAR!!!