To the Ones who Finish Last

“To The Ones who Finish Last”
It was very cold. Pretty cold actually. Decembers in New England were always some degree of cold, but it was a different kind of cold tonight. A cold that you would enjoy thinking in. A reflective type of cold. But Joseph didn’t really care what type of cold it was. He was lying in his bed, staring blankly at his school workbook as the words in it continued to make no sense whatsoever. To be honest, though, he was not reading, but doing his best to stay awake. The windows in his room were wide open, inviting the freezing winds to dance around his room. He could see his own freezing breath, and his body shivered. But Joseph was waiting, expecting; listening attentively for any sounds that would signify a presence in his driveway. Finally he heard it. Wheels pulling up to a screechy halt. His two older brothers finally had arrived.
Being incredibly cautious not to wake his sleeping parents, Joseph silently bolted down the stairs to the front door with the stealth of a ninja, fully prepared with his Timberland boots and black winter jacket. The jacket was much too big for the scrawny fourteen-year old, but that did not impede him at all from silently closing the door behind him as he excitedly ran towards the old blue Honda in the driveway, ignoring the dark velvet sky filled with light snowflakes gently falling. It was a beautiful night. The back door was unlocked, and Joseph hastily entered the car.
“Well, looked like someone was prepared for us, huh?” It was his oldest brother, Reuben, sitting in the driver’s seat, next to Judas, the second oldest. At 21 years old, Reuben was an enormous, hulking muscular man who was constantly assaulted with the fact that he went to the gym too much. Judas, being 18, was less muscular, but still lean and built and prided himself with his shoulder length black hair.
“Of course I was ready! You guys promised to tell me how your double date at the movies went!” Joseph responded excitedly. Joseph had asked his brothers to have this “guys-only-talk” for quite a while now, and after many failed expectations, the two finally conceded. Judas was the first to begin summarizing with a long sigh.
“Well, Reuben lost his girl again tonight,” he said with the straightest of faces.
“Again?” Joseph asked. “That’s like, the fifth girl this month you’ve dumped at the movies isn’t it?” Reuben just laughed, zero hint of remorse in his voice.
“More like sixth, but who’s counting ya’know? She just wasn’t the right girl for me”.
“No one is the right girl for you” Judas retorted sarcastically. “Jesus Christ Reuben you made another girl cry tonight”. Unfortunately, neither Joseph nor Judas was much surprised by this. Reuben was known as one of the most infamous womanizers and teasers in the town, though he declined to think of it that way. He called it, “the art of knowing when to cut”. He barely had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 weeks.
“And?” Reuben started in his own defense. “She should be grateful I let her know that it wasn’t gonna work out. Tell me you didn’t hear that ugly laugh of hers. Christ”.
“Yeah, but even I cringed a bit when you broke the news to her that harshly” Judas said as he turned back to Joseph. “He literally said, ‘Sorry but you’re a bitch with a freaky laugh and it ain’t gonna work out’”.
“Wow”, was all that came out of Joseph’s mouth after a pause. Reuben, however, made a proud face, mentioning that the shortest goodbyes were the “masterpieces” of his art. At this point, Joseph decided to ask Judas how his date went.
“Ah, ya know, the usual”. Reuben and Joseph rolled their eyes in unison. The “usual” for Joseph and his girlfriend of 3 years was nothing more than small talk and passionless kissing. Joseph once witnessed one of their “talks”. It was like watching paint dry. Slowly. Joseph shook his head, clearly showing his disappointment.
“So what you two are saying is that neither of you had a special night tonight? Is this what your dating has been this whole time?” The two older brothers exchanged confused glances.
“Special?” Reuben asked, scratching his red hair. “You mean like sex?”
“No!” Joseph quickly replied, nearly blushing. “I mean, when you go out with a girl, isn’t it supposed to be something special? Like, you come home feeling so great and out of breath?” There was a long silence as the snow continued to fall outside, beginning to neatly layer the car as the sky’s dark velvet remained the same. If anyone had cared to notice, they would have noted that ice was beginning to fall as well.
“Uh, don’t know about you, but that still sounds like sex to me” Reuben said. Judas just rolled his eyes again and sighed.
“That’s all you think about. Joe, there are no “special” nights when you date a girl. They’re just nights where you empty your wallet, that’s what.” Reuben nodded and patted his brother on the back.
“Preach it brother! I bought that bitch like, extra-large popcorn that she didn’t even finish”. Joseph couldn’t believe this.
“Dating’s not just about the money you spend or just..um, having sex is it?”. Reuben broke out into a booming laugh that nearly vibrated the entire car.
“Listen Joe” he began when he finally managed to calm down. “Girls only care about two things in a guy, money and how well they do in bed. That’s it” he stated, speaking like a professor would to an idiot student. Joseph was shocked. All the values that had been instilled in him from their frail father, all the things he had learned about respect from his doting mother, all of them were being thrown out the window by these two. As much as he knew he would regret this, he couldn’t just go back on his principles. He had to speak out.
“Well,” he started after a long tentative pause. “You guys are wrong. Both of you”. Reuben and Judas simultaneously turned back to face Joseph. His voice was different. There was conviction in it suddenly.
“Wrong in what?” Judas responded.
“In the way you treat your dates, and girls just in general!”
Reuben was now thoroughly intrigued in his little brother.
“Oh, please enlighten me” he said as he turned off the car. With the low roar of the car gone, Joseph now had center stage. He cleared his throat. His next few words would be important.
“First of all, Reuben, you treat every girl like their, ya know, disposable. Don’t you think they have feelings too?” Joseph asked.
“Course they do. They get angry when anything doesn’t go perfect for them, and cry a lot otherwise”. Joseph shook his head.
“Not just like that. Don’t you think that girls think more about respect and stuff rather than money and….ya know…” his voice trailed off.
“Sex?” Judas offered. Joseph merely nodded quickly, face reddening. 
“What are you, a sex therapist or something?” Reuben shifted a little as he looked his little brother in the eye. “I got a lesson that’ll help you in the future with women. Like I said before, they only like guys with cash and potential, if you will. The faster you understand that, the better off you’ll be.”
“Your relationships have barely lasted longer than four weeks, tops!” Joseph said, voice high with annoyance. “How ‘better off’ have you been?” At this point, Reuben’s voice was layered with some anger. He always became somewhat defensive when anyone challenged his way with women. It was like his source of pride, and Joseph was poking at it.
“Listen Joe. Why do you think I’ve had so many relationships, regardless of time huh? Think about it for a second”
It was one pretty long second before Reuben resumed talking.
“It’s because of this fact” Reuben said as he pointed his finger, matter-of-factly. “Girls like mean guys. Girls don’t go into a relationship to feel nice or be treated like a fucking queen. It’s for the appearance. That’s it. If I act mean to her and boss the hell out of her, she tells all her friends that I’m the man. Simple fact. That’s why the girls literally just go for me ok?” Joseph was becoming a bit angry himself, hearing the nonsense spouting out of his older brother’s mouth.
“That doesn’t make sense! That’s what a relationship means to you? The appearance?!”
“Where the hell have you been?” Reuben responded. “That’s how it’s always been with guys and girls. They like mean guys. Sure, I cut loose pretty quickly most of the time, but that’s because I get tired and move onto the next fish Joe. That’s how you play the game.” Reuben clapped nearly every syllable uttered in that last sentence, as if that would make his point stronger. Joseph needed to recompose himself before he resumed.
“Well, I think it’s wrong that you think like that. Dad said that within every beautiful body you see, there’s a girl with hopes, dreams, fears and so on. You can’t just treat them like…like a..um, a Ring-Pop. You can’t just suck on them for a bit and then throw them out”. Everyone was silent for a while as they took Joseph’s analogy in for a few moments. It wasn’t long before Reuben and Judas burst out with laughter. It was loud enough to wake the neighbors. They did wake the neighbors. Joseph was not in the least bit amused.
“I’m serious guys!!!” Reuben was nearly convulsing as his humongous frame rocked the car. “Wow, I think I’ll use that sometime ha!!”
“I can’t believe that’s all that came to your mind. What are you thinking about?” Judas said heartily.
“You know what I meant!!” Joseph said defensively.
“Alright, alright. You’ve piqued my interest Joe” Judas said. “Why don’t you tell me what I’m doing wrong according to you, Doctor Joseph?” his sarcasm evident. Joseph was not about to skip a beat.
“Fine” Joseph began. He decided to play along, as long as his brothers were listening however, he had no problem. He cleared his throat again, noticing that the snow outside had begun to pick up in intensity. “The problem with you, Judas, is that you’re relationship has no passion.”
“Can you define, what this…passion is, doctor?”
“Well, lemme put it this way, when you two are together it’s like you’re dead. You don’t talk, ask each other how you’re doing anymore, or even care”. Judas was silent for a long time, his face quickly transforming from a grin to a deep frown. Joseph, however, took this as a sign to continue. “I’m not sure why you two do this, I thought couples were supposed to enjoy others company, not act like they were at a funeral”. At this point, Judas decided to talk back. The game was no longer fun.
“You know, you’re incredibly naïve Joe, you know that?” He looked at his younger brother in the eyes. “What Reuben does is of course not right, I agree with you there. But you know little about the pain that being with a girl can bring”. His voice was dark, there was a deep thought to his words, as if his soul was speaking out for the first time. It was a side that neither Joseph nor Reuben had seen before. “Joe, let me tell you something. The more emotion you show to a girl, the more they can manipulate you and toy with your feelings. The reason why I act like that around her is because women can’t be trusted.” Joseph felt the power of his words, but was not about to back down.
“But…a relationship is always built around trust, isn’t it?” he asked. Reuben decided to chime in. “Not really. I barely trust the girls I date, Judas got the right idea. Bitches can do ugly things to you if you let them”.
“Why does it have to be that way?” Joseph asked. The curiosity in his voice was not without some sadness.
“You’ll understand when you get a girl” Judas said. “The world just sucks, I guess.”
Reuben laughed at this statement, howling “Yeah, if he ever gets a girl!”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Joseph lashed defensively. “When the time is right, I’ll get the girl of my dreams! And our relationship will have passion in it and last for more than 5 seconds!” he claimed with confidence, looking at Judas and Reuben respectively. The insult just passed over Reuben’s head.
“Joe, no offense, but there’s plenty of reasons why a girl wouldn’t choose you.” The professor-style voice was in full throttle again. “For starters, you’re skinny and short. Those things are outta your control, to be fair, but you’re also too nice and have no money. Girls like someone that can be mean and aggressive sometimes rather than this little meek and respectful guy.” Reuben was shaking his head as Joseph tried to fight back.
“I would only be mean when I would need to be! And besides, girls appreciate nice guys! A few of my friends that are girls told me so!”
“Of course they did”, Judas interjected. “Girls would love to have a nice guy so that they could step all over him, duh. Like I said before Joe, you’re too naïve. You can’t just go around trusting everyone to be just like you, an optimistic nice guy. The world doesn’t work like that.” Joseph sat down for a second, thinking. His parents had always told him the opposite of what his brothers were telling him now, yet he couldn’t shake the notion that perhaps there was some truth to their words. In his first few moments of high school, a few girls had been pretty mean to him. Maybe mean wasn’t the exact word for it. “Aggressively spiteful” and “holy-crap-that-girl-is-a-bitch” might have been words Judas or Reuben would have picked. Girls tended to treat Joseph with indifference and some sort of misplaced hatred, yet he always remained optimistic about them. But now Joseph was thoroughly confused.
“So…if girls are like that, what are you supposed to do then? Like how do people get married then?” Reuben was the first to respond.
“Well, you find someone who’s the least bitchy, yet knows how to take care of shit around the house and be obedient I guess. That’s the best you can hope for Joe.” Judas’s answer was far less optimistic.
“You just don’t get married. Love doesn’t exist anyway”.
“And that’s why God invented sex” Reuben added with a slight chuckle. He looked directly at Joseph’s eyes as he began to slowly open the door, ready to end the conversation. “In all seriousness though, good guys get the short end of the stick Joseph. If you wanna get a girl, you gotta be a tough guy. Don’t take shit from anyone, and the girls will eventually come to you. Sounds cliché, but nice guys do finish last.” With that, Reuben walked out the car and closed the door behind him. Judas turned around for one last time to Joseph before he got out of the car as well.
“Whether that bull succeeds or not, just remember girls can’t be trusted, or anyone in general”. Judas closed the door as he got out, leaving a dejected little brother in the car. He had high hopes for this night. His brothers were supposed to tell him the magical wonders of dating and how something as simple as taking a girl to the movies could make for an amazing night. Maybe they were right. Maybe he was too naïve.
Joseph got out of the car, but nearly bumped into his brothers right before he hit the street of his house. They both had stopped, and after Joseph peered over Judas’s shoulder he saw why. Their street was covered in a neat layer of ice. Distracted by their conversation, the three brothers had neglected to notice that the sky began to drop ice that neatly layered the street up to their house, turning their street into a skating rink. “Shit” Reuben said. “I didn’t know ice was falling”. Reuben tried to make his way up the house in the quickest way possible, with a fast step as he quickly put out one leg after the other. Unfortunately for him, the ice had a different agenda, and sent him tumbling down as he slipped. Face first upon landing.
It was not a pretty sight.
As the river of swears was escaping Reuben’s mouth, Judas decided to employ a different tactic, using small baby steps to make his way across the street. The ice was just too unkind however, and at about half-way through, Judas also slipped, arms flailing as he fell on his back. Joseph could have sworn he felt the impact.
As the two older brothers both dealt with their respective failures, Joseph decided to take a crack at it. He put one foot on the ice first, then he slowly put the other on. He slid back, still standing upright. He wondered how Judas had managed to get as far as he did, the ice was indeed incredibly slippery. With nothing to hold onto, Joseph decided to put out his right foot up again, but still slid down. It was a puzzle; the ice certainly was a difficult concept. Going out on a limb, Joseph put both of his feet together, and decided to shift both of them sideways. Much to his surprise, he went up. He shifted them sideways again with the subtlest of movements, and amazingly moved up without sliding down. Finding himself grinning for no reason, Joseph continued to use this method to get up the street. It was slow, and incredibly arduous process, but before even knew it, Joseph was safely at the steps of his house. He looked back onto the street. Reuben was still shouting the most creative of swears, while Judas’s method continued to yield little more than a one way slide to the car. He smiled as he closed the unlocked door behind him. At least for this time, the nice guy did finish first, and he entered the warmth of his house as the snow continued falling outside.


                                                 
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