Veggies

Veggies – an unadorned dialog

W: Waiter
C: Customer
M: Manager

W: Welcome to Rich’s, May I take your order?

C: I am a vegetarian and I watch what I eat. Are your chickens free-range?

W: Free range, ma'am? Do you mean do they run around unfenced?

C: No, it means they are not caged, they run around in a fenced enclosure, I am sure.

W: You mean before they are killed and plucked?

C: Of course, I know they are killed! Are you being impertinent?

W: No, ma'am, I just never heard of the term. But I can ask.

C: Well if you don’t know, then they probably aren’t.

W: Well then, We do serve venison which is harvested by local hunters.

C: Oh No! That would not do at all; I don’t eat animals!

W: What do you call chickens, ma'am?

C: That’s not what I mean! I don’t eat mammals. What kind of fish do you have?

W: The second page of the menu shows our fish selection, ma'am.

C:  Red Snapper?!

W: Why yes, ma’am, one of our most requested, it is baked in a…

C:  I don’t want it!

W: garlic and herb sauce and…

C:  This fish is endangered!

W: (Chuckles) Ma’am, I think our red snapper is past any more danger, it’s in the cooler.

C: No, you idiot, this fish is in danger of being over-fished!

W: You don’t have to get upset, ma’am, as far as I know it was only fished once, but it may have gotten off the hook and…

C:  You, sir, are clueless! How is the wild salmon prepared?

W: Well, someone catches them too, ma'am, is that OK?

C:  Are you being serious? Or are you trying to insult me?

W: No, ma’am, I’m just trying to take your order.

C:  Well then, how is the salmon prepared?

W: In a nice dill cream sauce and…

C:  Oh no, no, no. No dairy.

W: Would it be OK if it was free-range cream?

C: That does it, get me the manager!

W: Yes, ma’am.

M:  Is there a problem, ma’am?

C:  Yes, there is, your waiter is very rude and I am about to leave without ordering!!

M: I am very sorry ma’am, I will talk to him. May I take your order? The meal is on the house.

C: Well, that’s more like it. Yes, you may take my order. I would like the wild salmon without the cream sauce.

M: Do you want the dill?

C:  Is it organic?

M:  No, ma’am, it is grown locally though.

C: Then that won’t do. Just the salmon, please. Oh, and are any animal products used in your kitchen? I am a vegetarian.

M: Animal products, ma’am?

C:  You know, leather, natural hair brushes, bone handled knives, that sort of thing.

M: I would have to look ma’am. Is it OK if the cooks or servers wear leather belts or shoes?

C: Alright, that does it I’m leaving!

M: Ma’am, ma’am, please, I am not trying to offend you, I'm just confused and am trying to understand how best to make your meal as pleasant as possible.

C: Ok, then, just tell the cook not to use any animal products to prepare my food. And before you go, are these napkins 100% cotton?

M: Why yes, ma’am, let me unroll one for you. See, the label says 100% cotton.

C:  But the label certainly isn’t cotton, it is some kind of synthetic material!

M: I can rip it off if you would like, ma’am.

C: THAT won’t be necessary, I will use the one I carry with me.

M: If you prefer, ma’am. Would you like a nice glass of wine, on the house of course, we have a very fine wine list.

C: Let me see, hmmm, don’t you have any locally vinted wines?

M: Not at the moment, ma’am, but we are talking with a couple of....

C: Do you not understand the amount of energy that is required to ship these wines to your establishment!? The carbon released; just so your customers can fortify themselves with this stuff!!??

M: Um, I guess I never thought about it, ma’am. We do have a couple of beers brewed by local microbreweries.

C: Made with organic ingredients?

M: Never mind. How about a glass of water?

C: I only drink spring water from local springs, BUT, I don’t drink anything from plastic.

M: Coffee? Um, no that won’t work; milk?

C:  NO DAIRY!!

M: Oh, sorry, sorry, ma’am! Do you have any spring water with you?

C:  (Sigh!) Yes, yes, I guess I will have to provide that too.

M: Oh, ma’am, when I bring out the salmon, it will be on a very hot plate, the cook removes the salmon from the cedar plank and….

C: Cedar plank? Of the sustainable cedar variety, I hope!

M: OK, forget the cedar, we’ll bake it in a pan, a cast iron pan, is that OK?

C:  I suppose so.

LATER

M: Well, ma’am, I hope you enjoyed your salmon.

C: I have to say, it was somewhat bland.

M: Well we usually serve it with….

C:  Never mind. I have a suggestion; if you want more customers like me you will attempt to keep in mind our wishes as they relate to sustainability and diet preferences. Do you understand!

M: OH, you can be sure we will be keeping that in mind, ma’am!

M to W: Change the sign outside to say no vegetarian, no non-dairy, no organic, no sustainable anything, no local wines, no spring water…can you think of anything else?

W: At the end we should add ‘but good food anyway’.

M: Right!