The Emotional Sunset

The Emotional Sunset
By: Audrey Clark
Written: February 9, 2009

Beach sunsets are the ultimate in nature shows.  Sitting in a spot where there isn’t a bad seat outside, one looks at the surroundings, watches the sun go to bed for the day and come away with a nature show for the ages.

For me, beach sunsets are the ultimate in reflection.  When I know that San Francisco doesn’t have any cloud cover, it’s time for me to make my 45 minute trek up to the city by the bay and experience the ultimate nature show over Ocean Beach and the never ending horizon that is the Pacific Ocean.

On Saturday, February 7th, 2009, this sunset had special meaning to me.  This was the sunset that got me to feel the one emotion I thought I would never feel during a sunset…sadness.

Every sunset has a different meaning to me,  if the day falls on an historic moment in my life (my birthday, the anniversary of my father’s death, etc…), then it’s a moment to look at the previous 364 days and see how much I’ve grown in that span.  Some say I’m thinking too much, but what I say to them is that at least I’m thinking.  I can forget about all the things my parents tried to teach me, even if they didn’t teach it well, but don’t.  I can forget about all the accomplishments and failures that shaped my life, but choose not to.  My life, like all life, is a history lesson that’s learned every day.  Everything we do in life is part of our history.  No one can take it away from us.  We grow from our history and it would be a shame to forget about it.  I don’t mean think about it all the time, but to reflect on it once in a while, to know why you are the way you are.

On this particular Saturday, there wasn’t anything significant, so you would think it was a normal sunset, but it wasn’t.

Beaches provide the serenity that we all crave, whether alone or with someone special, or with friends and family.  For me, watching sunsets alone provide the serenity to keep me calm and my quiet self in tact, and normally don’t bother me at all.  It’s a chance to connect with the music on my mp3 player…to focus on what that saxophone player is playing, what message he conveys to me thru his saxophone, or to close my eyes and let the smooth, subtle vocalist give me a reason to smile.

With this sunset, however, a feeling of sadness came over me, at first.  Why?

I felt so out of place because of the majority of couples I saw.  I don’t have anyone special in my life because I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet, but for that split minute, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be there because I didn’t have anyone special to share this with.  It was that moment that made me cry.  It was as if I didn’t measure up to have romance in my life.  I never had that feeling before because for me, to never have love didn’t seem so bad.  I always hear how hard it is to fall in love and to keep that love going.  With all the other things I have to do in my life, I knew love was something I didn’t have the time or energy for…

Then, I realized that maybe I wasn’t one who could be loved by anyone.  I always keep to myself for fear of being hurt.  I had friends who hurt me so much in the past, that I knew trust was going to be the biggest issue for me.  I knew what I wanted in terms of love, but felt it was so far-fetched that I would never get it, so I would put it out of my mind and be content with singlehood.

All those thoughts went thru my head as I sat at a spot, watching the sun do what it does best.  I couldn’t help but let the tears fall.  I couldn’t help but let the pain flow thru.  I knew it was the only way I could heal myself and know that being me is the most important thing and that not having a special person in my life isn’t the end of the world.  I also knew I was lovable, but only to the right set of people.  I knew that my soul would tell me who would truly love me for me.

Then, as I listened to the soothing, sensual, serene singer sing about the many ways he could say I love you and the “Last First Kiss”, the mood changed.  The setting was still the same, the sun was still doing what it did best, but my mood had changed.  I was now feeling at peace with myself and who I am, and loving who I am.  As the sun slowly disappeared, I knew that a sense of relief and healing were starting and happiness would soon follow. 

I’ve had a lot of sunsets in my life to view and enjoy, but this one is one that will always be special for me.  It was the sunset where I allowed myself to let go of all the bitterness I had about my parents, lack of love in my life, and low self-esteem, feel the pain of it all, release it and come back peaceful, ready to learn more about myself and do the things I enjoy doing and just be me.