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The thoughts of an old man on a cold night. |
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The Smile The grinding of the metal shovel scraping against the black topped driveway caused the old man’s fragile and arthritic hands to pressure and ache. He struggled as he heaved the shovel over his head to empty the load. The snow trickled on his thin solid white hair, which only grew around the side of his liver spotted head. He suddenly stopped and watched across the street. He wanted to stall as he got a breather and waited till his back was able to handle a few more loads. He watched as a father and son shovel their driveway. They laughed and giggled and had fun as they tossed snow at each other. Then old man wrinkled his face and strained to focus while he looked more down the road at two other children building snowmen. The children bundled in their thick coat and green boots that came up to almost their knees, finally place the carrot for the nose and two pieces of coal for the eyes. “Back to work.” The old man silently said to himself but he knew even if he said it aloud there was no one around to hear it. He pushed himself and pushed himself but his body couldn’t push anymore. He looked and sighed as he noticed he could only do half and knew at that moment he wished he paid that neighbor to shovel his driveway but he knew his pride was all that was left of him. He placed the shovel back in the garage and slowly walked with his head down in submission and cringed as his hand seized up while turning the door handle. The television projected from the room farthest to the front door and reminded him just how empty the house really was and how alone he was. His back began to crack as he forced himself in the electric recliner that his son bought him for his birthday. He grabbed the remote that was wired in to the chair and adjusted until he was comfortable. He laid back and stared out the window and just let his mind drift. He suddenly, as if he was watching a movie in theater and clear as day, began to look back on how his life used to be. He began to watch himself as a child and this time he was the child playing in the snow with his father, being twirled in his arms, making snow angels, making snowmen, laughing and playing while the snowflakes continued to drop on his hair and on his tongue. He began to remember how his dad was a great man and taught him how to be the same and always taught him lessons on life. He then remembered wearing his navy uniform on graduation and how his father and mother both embraced him in a tear filled hug. He could feel nothing but pride extrude from both of them as they gripped tighter and tighter. Then the man could smell the vanilla perfume as who would take the role of his wife passed him while he walked into a tiny bistro when he was stationed in Italy. Even though he didn’t know a single word she spoke he was still hypnotized by every Italian word that come out of her beautiful luscious lips. He remembered that he studied the Italian language for three months just to ask her her name. The echo of the wedding bells rang as him and his newlywed wife ran hand and hand as bird seed rain down upon them. He remember pacing around waiting for her letters while out in the middle of the ocean and counting down each day just to get one more kiss from her sweet soft lips. Each day was more painful than the next. Finally after a few months he felt her embraced and felt her cold tears soak through his navy summer whites and how they were inseparable until he had to leave again. He cried tears of joy as he watched his younger self cradling his new born son in his arm. The peaceful look the baby had as his son slowly fell asleep in his arm. Then he cried tears of sorrow a few months later as the old man’s father kissed his grandson on the forehead for the last time until his father went to sleep for the last time. The old man’s heart began to break all over again as the doctor walked down the waiting room and began to give devastating news; the news that his beloved wife had cancer and wasn’t going to make it much longer. He watched himself stay up all hours of the night just holding her and took care of her as much as he could. Then the day came when he saw her wife join the old man’s father in eternal sleep. The old man cried as he saw his younger self while he held his son in his arms and he held his grandson and granddaughter, his daughter in-law also gave her condolences. Even though the old man never really sees his son, even a blind man can see that he was very proud of him and how much smarter and stronger his son was than how the man used to be. While sitting in the chair he began to stare at the picture hanging on the wall. He remembered it was the last picture that was taken with the whole family; the mother, the son and his family and the old man. “I did live a good life, didn’t I, Maya?” he said to the beautiful salt and peppered haired woman posing in the picture. “I do miss you a lot, sweetie.” At that moment he felt a calm peace as if she was standing right next to him stroking his withered face and his question was suddenly answered. Even though he felt pain, he knew he felt more pleasure. He watched his son grow up to be a man and family of his own. He was never bitter even after all his friends died and left him roam the earth alone. He never blamed anyone for his wrongs and he pitied all the people who felt anger all their lives. Then without warning his breath began to become shallow and he began to feel his heart beating slower. He knew his time was coming and time was just about to run out. Before he took his final breath he did one last thing; he smiled. “As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.” Emmanuel Teney |
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