I have known.

I have lain beside you for hours while we slept.
I have felt you breathe, felt your arm over my chest, felt the way you would spasm and hold me tighter, as if even in dreaming you were aware of how far I had slipped from you, how distant I had become.
I have heard your laughter, felt your smile against my lips. I have held your slender fingers in mine as we walked, sat, made love. I have seen you angry, confused, hurt, I have even seen you cry...warm salty tears shed at the thought of losing me, at the knowledge that we were not destined to be forever.
I have known you, I have loved you. I have put you before myself more often than I care to remember.
So why is it that while I sit here and see your words as plain as day in front of me, I feel like I have no idea who you are?
Why do I feel as though the man telling me he will not fight for us, for me, for something I had believed to be better and more important than anything in my life, is a total and complete stranger?
Why do I feel as though I have lost you?

I have sat alone and cold in an empty bed too many times to remember, waiting on someone I knew would not be coming home. I have cried myself to sleep, only to be woken up by your drunk words of apology and regret.
I have stood with the sting of your palm lingering on my face, and felt disbelief fade into something along the lines of acceptance. Your words have caressed, your words have cut.
Your love has both saved and destroyed me.

I have been trapped in my own head, surrounded by the memories of our life, and wanted to forget you. I know now that I never will.

Because I have listened to you sing along to our favorite songs. I have been in the car with my head against my seat, and just watched you drive. I have fought with you, watched you walk away, and felt the most amazing sense of relief when you finally walked back through the door and told me you loved me.
I have loved you, in ways I will never love anyone else.
I had thought that would be enough.

Now I see I was wrong.

Where I had seen hope, seen light, you saw only the end.

And I am alone in my sadness and regret.

I have known you.
I have loved what I knew.

And now I am saddened to find, that I don't really know you at all.