Living The Dream - Part 3

PART 3 - IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY YOU'RE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE!



          It was a Sunday morning in early February, and Joe was readying himself for a day out. Unfortunately for him, it turned out that his day out would not be alone, as he had been unable to convince a certain housemate to stay at home.

          "Nathan, if you have to come along, then fine. But you are not, and I repeat, you are not wearing that shirt!"

          “What’s wrong with it?”

          “What’s right with it?!!”

          “I think it’s cool.”

          “You think Glee is cool!!!”

          “Let’s not start that debate again.”

          “Fine. Change the shirt!!!”

          “It’s the holiday show isn’t it? It’ll fit right in.”

          “No one wears Hawaiian shirts in the middle of winter! I’d even argue the fact that no one wears them period!”

          “It’s this or Bermuda shorts!”

          “You still own a pair of Bermuda shorts???”

          “Not a just pair, several!!!”

          “Jesus fucking Christ.”

          “What you wear reflects your personality. Bubbly and outgoing.”

          “Look up bubbly and outgoing in the dictionary and it will direct you to twat!!”

          “Bit harsh.”

          “Not really.”

          “Say what you like, I’m still coming!!”

          “You and your sodding visions….”

          “Me, Shaz and the lil’ Bart strolling along the seafront. And with you going to the Holiday Show at the NEC, it all links together!”

          “LG Arena actually.”

          “Huh?”

          “The NEC, It’s now called the LG Arena.”

          “Not to me it isn’t!”

          “You know what your problem is? You live in the past too much.”

          “If something is called one thing for years and years, you can’t expect people to automatically start calling it something else when some moron decides to go and change it.”

          “Only if you want to be ignorant about things.” said Joe as he looked into the chocolate biscuit tin. “Fancy a Snickers?”

          “Nah, I’m alright ta.” responded Nathan as he delved into his pocket, quickly pulling out a packet of sweets. “I’ve just opened a pack of Starburst.” He continued as he waved it in the air.

          “I still don’t understand the point in you coming. I mean you never go any further than Weston-Super-Mare because of your travel sickness.”

          “I don’t suffer from travel sickness!” said Nathan rather defensively.

          “Liar!”

          “That’s slander!”

          “Sue me then!!!”

          “Maybe I will! But I’m still coming!!!”

          “You know Nath, ever since I came back to live here, I’ve been craving a little bit of time to myself. I’ve been looking forward to this for days, as trivial a day out is it may be. Then you have to go and have one of your stupid visions and I’m the one made to suffer.”

          “My visions are not stupid. They’re a gift!!”

          “Well whoever bought you such a gift should have returned it, its faulty goods!”

          “You’re just jealous!!”

          “Not at all. Every time you have one of them, something goes wrong. You see a lottery machine and you decide that you’re going to win the jackpot. Only setback is that you fail to actually buy a ticket!”

          “I got half of Chris’ winnings……”

          “The first year of Uni when I tackled Justin Dwight to the ground……”

          “Hold on, that actually did happen!” interrupted Nathan.

          “Yes, you’re right, it did. But you failed to see the vision of him kicking seven shades of shit out of you beforehand, didn’t you?!!” responded Joe smugly.

          “Well something had to happen for the other to happen didn’t it?!!”

          “And let’s not forget you seeing a ginger……and black cat and me losing…….” Joe quickly realised what he was about to say and looked worriedly towards Nathan, who looked inquisitively towards Joe. “……me losing my marbles and coming back to stay here with you lot! Just face it, your visions always lead to trouble!”

          “Even if that were true, it’s surely better to have some warning than no warning!” defended Nathan.

          “Traffic report will be on in a sec.” said Sharon as she entered the kitchen. “You can check to see if that accident on the A45 has cleared up.”

          “Oh yeah.” said Nathan as he promptly turned the radio on. “Feeling any better?” he asked.

          “A bit. You two going out and giving me a bit of peace and quiet should help a bit too!”

          “Peace and quiet? With Aaron here?!! You’ll be lucky!!”

          “Funnily enough he’s never any trouble when you’re not around! Besides, he’s in his room doing his coursework, so he wont be a problem either.”

          “He’s also offered to cook dinner!!” said Joe.

          “He’s what???!!!!” asked a disbelieving Nathan.

          “It’s nice of someone to actually offer, hint, hint!!!” said Sharon.

          “MacDonalds or Burger King for Sunday dinner then. That’ll be nice……”

          “No. He’s doing it properly.”

          “Properly?”

          “Yes. Chicken with vegetables. I believe he’s also going to do gravy.”

          “Joe, take a good look around the place.” said Nathan as he looked around the kitchen. “Your brother is going to end up burning the place to the ground by the end of the day!!”

          “Put it this way my beloved, I trust Aaron in the kitchen a hell of a lot more than I do you!” said Sharon rather cuttingly.

          “Just make sure you hide the knives!” advised Nathan.

          “Do you want to slag off my brother any more right underneath my nose or shall we go back to insulting you?” asked Joe.

          “Didn’t realise we’d stopped!!!” quipped Sharon.

          “Sssshhhh!” said Nathan. “Traffic and travel report is on.”

“An accident southbound near junction 22 of the M5 is causing

5 mile tailbacks near to the junction for Burnham-On-Sea.”

          “There’s always an accident around there!” Nathan pointed out.

          “Sssshhhhh!” shushed Joe.

“There are delays approaching Dundee on the A90.

This is due to roadworks scheduled to last a further 3 weeks.”

          “Who the bloody hell cares?!! That’s in another bloody country!”

          “Well maybe if you bothered to put local radio on rather than national, you’d hear what you’d want to bloody hear!!” snapped Sharon.

          “Sssshhhhhh!!!!” Joe shushed further.

“A bizarre incident involving locals and a herd of cows has forced the closure of the A12

just to the west of Ipswich in Suffolk. Police are pleading with people to avoid

not just Ipswich, but the county of Suffolk for their general health and safety.”

          “Sounds well!” said Joe.

          “I’ve always said there’s summat weird about that place!” Nathan added.

“And an accident involving an overturned milk float is still causing

delays on the A45 near Birmingham’s NEC……….”

          “Ha!” Nathan said in the direction of Joe. “She said NEC!!!”

          “Sssshhhhhhh!” responded Joe.

“…….police are advising that the road may still be closed for several hours

as the clean up operation continues.”

          “Oh great.” Joe.said in despair.

          “A bloody milk float?!!” moaned Nathan. “How does a milk float over turn?!! How bloody fast can one go?!!”

          “Bit of a shame really.” said Sharon. “We could have done with a pint or two.” 

          “Well that means your car is safe then Shaz if the roads closed. I aint goin the diversion route. I’ll never get there!”

          “We, not I!” Nathan pointed out. “But how are we gonna get there if you aint driving?”

          “Will have to be the train.”

          “I can’t use trains.”

          “Why the bloody hell not?” asked Joe, as he spotted Sharon moving her open hand left and right in front of her throat, indicating to Joe to drop the subject. “Oh.” He said, confused.

          “There’s a special bus on from the City isn’t there?” Nathan asked.

          “Yeah, but that goes the diversion route and will take ages dropping people on and off. It would be quicker to walk.”

          “It’ll do for us!!”

          “Do I have any say in this, seeing as it was my day out originally?!!”

          “Not really!” replied Nathan. “You got change for the bus? I aint got none!!”

          “You’ve got a safe full of change downstairs!”

          “I couldn’t do that. Would be like stealing!”

          “It’s yours and Sharon’s pub!!! How can you steal from your self. Besides, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

          “Meaning?”

          “You never have money on you. Never.”

          “Only because certain little brothers keep nicking it!”

          “If you two are actually going, will you just go before you give me another headache?!!” pleaded Sharon.

          “You sure you’ll be alright?” Nathan asked his partner.

          “Even if I’m not, Aaron’s in his room, Chris is downstairs. I’ll be fine. Now go find us a holiday.”

          “Cool. Let’s go then!” Nathan said to Joe.

          “I’ll pay your bus fare on one condition.” said Joe.

          “What’s that?” asked Nathan.

          “You change the shirt!!!”

          “Aww man!!!!”

          “Deal or no deal?!!” asked Joe. Nathan huffed rather heavily at the question.

          “OK then.” he said sadly as he left the room.

          “Well negotiated!!!” said Sharon as she congratulated Joe. “Now make sure if he books anything that he books us somewhere decent!”

          “I’ll try.” responded Joe. “But I feel it would be rather foolish of me to promise!”

          “I know, that’s what worries me…….!”

         

NEARLY 2 HOURS LATER…..



          “This is getting beyond a joke.” declared Nathan, as the bus he and Joe were on ventured down another seemingly endless country lane.

          “If we’d have gone by train there’s a fair chance we’d be on our way home by now!” Joe responded.

          “I’ve told you, I don’t do trains!”

          “I know, but why?”

          “That’s not of any relevance or importance to you!”

          “I’ll find out you know. I’ll just slip my brother an incentive. He’s my own little sniffer dog! It wont take him long to find out. Secrets don’t last long in that place.” said Joe, unable to look Nathan in the eye as he did so.

          “How long ago was it since we passed through Knowle?” asked Nathan, in a swift attempt at changing the subject. “Why the bloody hell does it have to go out as far as bloody Knowle anyway? It’s made the journey twice as long.”

          “It’s a bus service Nathan. It doesn’t only go where you want it to. Besides, it doesn’t only go to the NEC…..”

          “Ha! You just said NEC!!!”

          “……..but to the airport too. And it would be a more direct route if it wasn’t for that bloody diversion.”

          “They should just let some cows loose to mop up the milk. Probably quicker than standing there looking at it, which I imagine that’s all the workers there are doing. Sick of the sight of these bloody country roads.”

          “Take me home, to country roads!!!” sang Joe.

          “Don’t you bloody start with that shit! Gets on my nerves when Chris does it!”

          “Sorry. It must be catching.”

          “Surely these things don’t even qualify as roads. The bus barely fits down them! And how much bloody further is it?!!”

          “I don’t know Nathan. Will you just give it a rest? You’re giving me a headache.”

          “Sorry. I’m just feeling a bit claustrophobic. This bus is packed.”

          “Is there anything phobic that you aren’t?”

          “Doubt it!”

          “Besides, the bus is packed because like I said, it goes to the airport too. Most of these people on here are going on holiday.”

          “How do you know that?”

          “Well, looking round, all of the luggage cases are a bit of a giveaway!” said Joe, as he pointed to all of the suitcases the majority of passengers were holding, before both he and Nathan spotted one specific case resting in the middle of the aisle way.

          “That’s a bit dangerous isn’t it?” asked Nathan.

          “It is a bit, yeah.” answered Joe.

          “Not really obvious whose it is either.” added Nathan, as he looked at the case directly in the middle of the aisle, and looked around to see who it may belong to. Not seeing anyone in the surrounding seats appearing to be keeping an eye on it, Nathan stood up to look down the back of the bus.

          “WOULD YOU REMAIN SEATED PLEASE.” boomed the rather burly bus driver.

          “Oh, sorry.” replied Nathan. “I was just looking to see if this holdall was anybodies.”

          “WOAH!!!” yelled the bus driver, as he quickly slammed down on the brakes.

          “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!” yelled Nathan, as he was quickly jerked forwards, and then backwards violently into his seat as the bus suddenly screeched to a halt.

          “Funny.” Joe muttered. “I never knew Jesus had a middle name…..”

          “RIGHT.” bellowed the bus driver as he got up out of his seat. “Whose bag is this?” he asked. His question drew little response, other than murmurings from amongst the passengers. “I SAID, whose bag does this belong to?” he asked, only this time louder than before. Again, the question failed to get the desired response.

          “Technically, you said ‘whose bag is this’.” Nathan pointed out. This comment did nothing but garner a very stern look from the large, and rather impatient, driver.

          “Is this yours?” he asked, intimidatingly. Before responding, Nathan wiped some spittle from his left eye, a present from the bus driver.

          “I am capable of asking a simple question you know.”

          “Well? Is it yours or not?”

          “No.”

          “Well it must belong to somebody. If no one is going to claim it then I’m going to have to call the police.” He said out loud, so everyone on the bus could hear him.

          “The police???” Nathan asked, disbelievingly.

          “Every little thing she does is magic….” sang Joe. Nathan glared at him out of the corner of his eye. “Sorry.” he responded.

          “Don’t you usually call the Police when things go missing, not when they appear?”

          “No. If it doesn’t belong to anyone already on the bus, then it’s been deliberately planted there. It might be a bomb!”

          “A bomb????? Get real!!!”

          “Nathan, just shut up will you?” said Joe.

          “People do not plant bombs in Adidas holdalls on Birmingham buses that end up being diverted through country ro……” Nathan looked at Joe, who was readying himself to break into song again. “Lanes, country lanes!”

          “Once upon a time people didn’t fly planes into the world’s tallest buildings, or blow up underground rail networks. Welcome to the 21st Century son.”

          “Don’t patronise me.” responded an annoyed Nathan.

          “Nathan, shut up.” said Joe.

          “Right.” said the bus driver. “I’m going to ask for the third and final time. Whose bag, is this?”

          “If I said it’s mine, would it help it getting us moving?” asked Nathan.

          “Oh, so now you do want to claim responsibility do you?” the driver asked.

          “If it’s going to help get us to where we want to go, then yeah. It’s mine.”

          “Oh. Right then.” He said smiling. “You, and you, as you’re with him.” He said as he pointed at both Joe and Nathan. “OFF!”

          “WHAT????” responded a stunned Nathan.

          “ME??!!!” asked a shocked Joe. “I’ve said and done nothing!!!”

          “You’re with him, and he’s held me up enough. Now, off.”

          “It aint even his bag!” protested Joe.

          “OFF!!!” the driver yelled, as he pulled Nathan and Joe off of their seats one by one, and ushered them down towards the front of the bus.

          “But we’ve paid our fares!!!” Nathan protested further.

          “I don’t care. Who travels on this bus is at my discretion. Now OFF!” he shouted as he pushed the pair out of the door. “And here.”  He said as he marched back down the bus. “If this is your bag then you can take it bloody with you.” He said as he bent down to pick up the bag. However, as he did so, a gentleman half way up the bus appeared to protest, speaking incomprehensibly. “Is this yours?” the driver asked him. The female passenger next to the man said something into his ear. The man nodded.

          “Si senor!”

          “Oh, my apologies sir. If you could just keep your bag out of the aisle though, so no one can trip over it.” The driver said as he retraced his footsteps back down the bus towards his seat. Both Joe and Nathan were both stood at the entrance of the door to the bus, seemingly expecting to be invited back onto the bus. The driver, however, rather coolly, and coldly, pressed the button to close the doors on the bus. Nathan outstretched his arms to his side in disbelief and bemusement, as the bus slowly pulled away and drove off, leaving Joe and Nathan stranded on a narrow country lane in the middle of a wood.

          “What. The. FUCK?!?!?!?!” asked an exasperated Nathan, towards the direction of the bus, turning his back on Joe. “What a fucking arsehole. I’m going to make an official complaint about him. That was absolutely fucking ridiculous. I mean how on earth can he justifiably throw us off the bus? A complete tosser. An utter, utter cu……” he halted mid sentence as he fully turned back round to face Joe, who was stood in the middle of the road, arms folded, staring a hole through Nathan. “Alright?” Nathan asked rather coyly, unable to fully look his friend in the eye, sensing annoyance. Joe continued to stare sternly in silence for a few more moments before answering.

          “I’m going to call for a taxi.” He declared, after he had reached the number ten in the silent count in his head. He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone. Joe’s calmness however was short lived. “Oh for fucks sake.”

          “What?” asked Nathan.

          “No signal.” Replied Joe, frustratingly.

          “Oh.” Said Nathan, as he reached into his pocket, pulling out his own mobile phone and promptly look at the screen. “Me neither.”

          “Damn it.”

          “Does this mean we are lost and stranded?”

          “Well I would guess so, wouldn’t you?” asked Joe sarcastically.

          “Lost and stranded.” Nathan repeated. “Feel like we should be on E4 or Sky One!!” An annoyed Joe simply glared at Nathan for a few moments, before preparing to pounce.

          “I’m actually going to kill you!!!” he declared, as he lunged towards Nathan’s neck with his hands.

          “Hey, hey! Cool it!” said Nathan, backing off.

          “Why did you have to come? Why do you have to have these fucking visions? Why on earth do you have to see them actually come to life??? Why do you have to be so God damn fucking annoying and irritating????” yelled Joe.

          “Chillax dude. It’s not all bad.”

          “WE ARE STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WITH NO CLUE OR IDEA AS TO WHERE WE ARE!!!!!” Nathan mulled over Joe’s words in anger for a moment.

          “Putting it that way, I guess you have a point.”

          “So, you seem to have all of the answers, what are we going to do?”

          “Think logically. We’ve come from that direction, and not passed through anything for ages, right?” asked Nathan, to which Joe nodded in response. “So we must be near civilisation if we follow in the direction that the bus went.”

          “If only the bus wasn’t actually already out of sight…….”

          “We just go in that direction. It can’t fail!”

          “Don’t say that. Please. Just don’t say those words.”

          “Have faith!”

          “Or that!!! I swear on Aaron’s life, if you end up getting us even more lost than what we already are then I’m going to kick the shit out of you!”

          “Just trust me will you.”

          “And there they are, the two most dangerous words in the vocabulary of Nathan Simpson. Trust me. I’m in trouble.”

          “Chill! I shall get us to the ball!”

          “It’s the National Holiday Show. And you had better. Your good health rests on it!” said Joe, as both he and Nathan began the walk to the seemingly never road to nowhere.

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          Both Joe and Nathan had walked along the country lane for over half an hour. They had passed no turn offs, and had passed no turn offs either. The duo simply followed a seemingly never ending passage of trees. The coldness of the mid-winter Sunday afternoon was kicking in, as was hunger.

          “Do you reckon any of these are apple trees?” asked Nathan, as he looked at the trees surrounding him.

          “Nathan, my patience really has just about reached its limit now. If you ask me one more stupid bloody question, your head is going to bounce off of one of these trees as if it were a bloody tennis ball.” snapped Joe.

          “I was only asking.”

          “And I’m just saying. If it hadn’t been for you, I’d have been to the fucking holiday show, booked up somewhere, and probably be on my way home by now. Instead, I’m stuck, lost, stranded in the middle of this fucking forest with YOU! You wanna keep going on about your visions and dreams? Well guess what. Today, I’m living my worst nightmare.” A few moments of uneasy silence followed, as the pair continued to walk.

          “You look, sound and seem pissed off with me.”

          “Ya think?!!”

          “It’s not all completely my fault you know.” Protested Nathan, breaking the silence. Joe slowly turned his head in disbelief at what he was hearing. “It’s not! You can’t tell me that bus driver didn’t over react. And how come another bus hasn’t passed us? They were every half an hour, were they not? We’ve been walking for well over that.”

          “That bus driver wouldn’t have had to over react if you’d have kept that over active trap of yours shut. And if I were a betting man, I’d be willing to gamble a sum of money on the reason we haven’t seen a bus being that they’ve cleared the accident site up, meaning the diversion is no longer needed.”

          “Aw, that’s a shame, could have done with a drink of milk!”

          “Didn’t Sharon use that gag before left?”

          “Maybe.”

          “And attempting to lighten the mood is not going to work.”

          “Any signal on your phone yet?” Nathan asked, attempting to shift moods, rather than lighten it.

          “Nope.” answered Joe, as he briefly took out his phone and glanced at it.

          “Me neither.” said Nathan, as he did the same.

          “Well, isn’t that a turn up for the books…..”

          “Well look, this should cheer you up.” Said Nathan, pointing down the road directly in front of them. “We’re almost out of the woods.”

          “Thank fuck for that.” Responded Joe, as he upped the pace of his footsteps in an attempt to bring a quicker end to his nightmare.

          “See! I told you I’d find us a way out of here!”

          “You aint done shit! It was common sense to come down this road.”

          “Well at least now we can look and head for civilisation.” Said Nathan, as the pair now slowly came out into the open, able to see the sky slowly overhead.

          “Now that is you finally speaking sense! I think I can even hearing the rumbling of a car in the distance.”

          “Me too.” Said Nathan, as the pair continued to walk at an increased pace. After a minute or two of walking in silence however, Nathan sensed that all was not well. “Is it just me or does it feel like the ground is shaking?” he asked.

          “Hmm.” Pondered Joe, appearing to sense the same. Any sensations were quickly forgotten however, as the sounds of the Crazy Frog took over. “Oh for God’s sake Nath, are you ever gonna change that fucking stupid, annoying ringtone?! It’s only about 5 years out of date and get somehow manages to get more bloody irritating with each play.”

          “It’s retro now!

          “No it isn’t. It is, always has been, and always will be shit!”

          “Shit or not, at least we have signal!” Nathan happily pointed out, as he pulled his mobile back out of his pocket and looked down at the screen. “It’s Chris. I’ll put it on speaker phone.” He declared. “Holla holla mi amigo!!”

          “Nathan, where the bloody hell have you guys been?”

          “Don’t. Just don’t bloody ask!” answered Joe, before Nathan even had a chance to speak.

          “Well where the fuck are you? Been trying to get hold of you for ages.”

          “I only wish we knew! We’ve been walking for bloo……..JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!!!!” yelled Nathan, interrupting himself, as both he and Joe dived for cover into a grass verge, as a huge jumbo jet passed over their heads by a mere several feet.

          “WOW!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Joe, as the plane flew over as quick as a flash.

          “THINK I’M FUCKING DEAF!!!!!!!!!”

          “Err, guys?” said Chris, still on the other end of the phone on loud speaker. It was to no avail however, as the noise from the plane was still deafening. “What’s going on?”

          “I THINK I’VE WORKED OUT WHERE WE ARE!” Joe shouted to Nathan.

          “WHAT???” Nathan asked, his ears still ringing.

          “I THINK WE’RE RIGHT NEAR THE END OF THE RUNWAY FOR THE AIRPORT!”

          “EH????” asked Nathan, as the noise level finally began to lower.

          “GUYS????” Chris yelled down the other end of the phone, now audible to at least one of the stranded pair.

          “Give me that phone!” said Joe, as he snatched the phone from Nathan’s hand. “Chris, it’s Joe. What’s up?”

          “What the hell are you two doing???”

          “It’s another story for the file marked Nathan Simpson’s catalogue of disasters!”

          “File? It’s on it’s third drawer!” laughed Chris.

          “WHAT?!!” yelled Nathan, still suffering with his hearing.

          “Joe, you guys need to come back right now.” Said Chris.

          “Come back???? We aint even got there yet!!”

          “You aint there yet? What the hell? You’ve been gone hou…… never mind all that. It’s Sharon. She’s in labour, she’s having the baby!!!”

          “WHAT??? There’s still three weeks to go yet.”

          “Try telling him that!!!”

          “WHAT’S GOING ON?!!” shouted Nathan.

          “YOUR PARTNER HAS GONE INTO LABOUR.” Joe yelled.

          “SHARON’S VOTED LABOUR?? I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS AN ELECTION.” Joe glared at Nathan for a few moments following his response, before responding to Chris.

          “Chris, I’m about to do something I’ve dreamed of for three years. My only regret is that you or Aaron aren’t here to share the moment.” He declared, as he pulled his right arm back, and smacked a perplexed Nathan hard on his left ear.

          “OWWWWW!!!!!!!! What the fuck was that for? That bloody hurt.”

          “Can you hear me?”

          “Yeah, I can hear you, you fucking cu………”

          “You’re going to be a Dad!” proclaimed Joe.

          “I know. Me and Sharon told you that about 8 months ago!!!”

          “Oh God, you really are a fucking idiot! I mean she’s giving birth, right now!”

          “WHAT???!!!!”

          “Oh not again. I said Sharon is giving birth right….”

          “I know I heard you. What are we waiting for, let’s go!” said Nathan as he got up off the ground and started to march forward. Joe also got up from the grass verge.

          “Aren’t you forgetting something? Whilst we may no longer, technically, be lost now, we’re still stuck on this bloody road in the middle of sodding nowhere.” Nathan took in Joe’s words for a moment.

          “You’re not thinking straight. We’re essentially at the end of the runway, right?”

          “Yeah.”

          “All we’ve gotta do is wait for another plane to take off, jump, hang on to the bottom, wait for a few seconds till we’re over the City, then let go and hey presto, we’re as good as home!” Nathan rather excitedly suggested. Joe simply stared at Nathan in disbelief for a few moments.

          “Did you really just accuse me of not thinking straight?” he asked.

          “What are we waiting for?” asked Nathan.

          “A plane?” answered Joe sarcastically.

          “Has he really just suggested something as moronically stupid as that?” asked Chris from the palm of Joe’s hand, still on speaker phone.

          “Yes. Yes he did.”

          “What’s wrong with it?” asked Nathan.

          “Nothing. Nothing at all. Providing you wish to make the headlines for the worlds stupidest suicide!”

          “Joe, can I trust you to get him back here to the hospital ASAP? I don’t think there’s much time.”

          “Will do. We’ll be there as soon as I can get us there!” said Joe as he hung up. “Right you, listen to me.” He said, as he grabbed Nathan by both arms and attempted to grab a hold of the situation. “We’re on the outer boundaries of the airport. That means we’re VERY close to civilisation. This road HAS to lead to the main road, where maybe we can flag a car down or just head towards the main terminal and get a taxi, head for the hospital, and then hopefully you’ll catch the birth of your first child. Are you with me?”

          “Yeah.” Nodded Nathan, breathing heavily through excitement.

          “C’mon. No time to waste.” Insisted Joe as he began to march down what remained of the country lane. Nathan however didn’t move.

          “Joe.” He called out. Joe stopped walking, and turned to look at him. “I’m gonna be a Dad!” he declared emotionally.

          “I know mate!” Joe answered, as he smiled back. “God help the lil’ bleeder!” he muttered to himself.

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          After what seemed like an eternity, particularly for Nathan, both he and Joe finally arrived at the hospital. The journey however, was still not quite complete.

          “For goodness sake, just how big does a hospital have to be?” moaned a panting and out of breath Nathan.

          “It’s just down the end of this corridor.” Responded Joe. “And if you did a bit of exercise once in a while, maybe you’d be able to run more than a few yards without needing to stop and catch your breath!!”

          “There isn’t a Birmingham marathon is there? Well they should hold it from one side of the building to the other!”

          “We’re here. This is the ward.” said Joe, as he opened a door. As both he and Nathan walked through the door they were met by a waiting Aaron. “Aaron!”

          “Oh finally. Where the hell have you two been?” Aaron asked.

          “Don’t ask.” said Joe, as he glared at Nathan.

          “Which room?” asked an oblivious and eager Nathan.

          “You’re too late.” said Aaron.

          “What do you mean? What’s happened.”

          “Sharon’s had a Caesar salad!!!” Aaron happily proclaimed.

          “She’s what? Greedy bitch! In labour and all she can think about is food!”

          “Do you mean, Sharon’s had a Caesarean section?” asked Joe.

          “Oh yeah. That was it!”

          “You mean…….”

          “A perfectly fine and healthy baby boy!”

          “Congratulations Daddy!” said a smiling Joe, as a small tear dropped down Nathan’s left cheek.

          “Thought I heard voices.” said Chris, as he popped his head round another closed door. “Nath, there’s someone in here that wants to meet you!” he said, as he again disappeared behind the door.

          “We’ll wait out here.” Joe said to Nathan. “Go in there and meet your son. One of those special moments that you’ll never forget and treasure for the rest of your life.” He said, again smiling. Nathan nodded as he walked past the pair, and opened the door into the room. “Caesar salad………” Joe said to Aaron, almost in disgust at his brother’s mix up.

          “WHERE THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!!!” Sharon shouted as soon as Nathan stepped foot in the room.

          “Ssshhh!” said Chris. “Baby in the room.” He said as he stood over the newborn baby.

          “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Said Nathan.

          “If it’s stupid, ridiculous and comes out of your mouth, then I can believe it! Now get over here and say hello to your son you blithering idiot!!!”

          Nathan shuffled over to where Chris was standing, where for the first time he was able to clamp his eyes on his sleeping newborn son, as a further tear rolled down his cheek.

          “Nathan, I believe this is yours mate!” said Chris, as an overjoyed Nathan looked down at his son.

          “He’s beautiful.” he declared. “He’s so beautiful and peaceful.”

          “I know.” agreed Chris. “Are you sure he’s yours?!!!”

          “You can pick him up you know.” said Sharon.

          “Afraid I’ll wake him up.” Nathan replied.

          “I can guarantee you he wont be so bothered about doing the same thing to us over the next few months and years!” Sharon remarked. “Go on, pick him up.” Convinced, Nathan, carefully and gingerly, picked up his son.

          “Hello.” He said. “I’m your Daddy!!!”

          “Shall I bring the other two in?” asked Chris. Both Nathan and Sharon nodded, with Nathan not once taking his eyes off of his child. Chris promptly walked to the door to call in Aaron and Joe.

          “Is everything OK? You? The baby?”

          “We’re fine. Both a bit tired, but both perfectly sound and healthy.”

          “I thought you wanted a natural birth?”

          “I was panicking when we couldn’t get hold of you. That one your holding didn’t want to wait and the doctor’s decided it was the best option.”

          “I’m sooo sorry I wasn’t here. You wouldn’t believe the day we ha…..”

          “Everything was fine. Aaron was brilliant.”

          “Aaron?” asked a concerned Nathan. “He was in here?!!”

          “Well you know Chris has a phobia of blood. He couldn’t be in here and there was no one else!!!”

          “But Aaron?” he asked as both Aaron and Joe walked into the room. “Oi you, have you seen my wife’s vag?!!” Nathan asked Aaron.

          “No!” Aaron replied. I was that thing father’s are usually supposed to do, support the one actually giving birth!”

          “Congratulations you two!” said Joe.

          “Come closer and say hello.” Said Nathan, still glaring at Aaron.

          “I already have!” said Aaron as Joe walked over. “He’s got Joe’s nose!”

          “Now that you mention it, he’s got Aaron’s eyes!” remarked Chris.

          “And your ears!” said Joe to Chris.

          “Is there anything that resembles Nathan?” asked Chris.

          “Yeah.” Answered Aaron. “His general size and penis!!!!!”

          “Anymore gags that you lot have been sitting on for the last 8 months that you’d like to get off of your chests?” asked an unimpressed Nathan.

          “Would be a shame to waste them all in one sitting!” joked Chris.

          “Speaking of jokes.” Said Sharon. “Let’s get the official naming ceremony out of the way.”

          Nathan stared adoringly once again at his newborn son. “Did you guys seriously think that I was going to give my son a joke name like Bart Simpson?!!” he smiled.

          “Yup!” Aaron replied.

          “Affirmative!” added Chris.

          “It’s the kind of dumb thing you’d do!!!” said Joe.

          “Well in that case, I’d hate to disappoint you all……” Nathan began.

          “Oh no….” cried Sharon in readiness of Nathan’s announcement.

          “……but I’m afraid I’m going to!! I’m not naming him Bart!”

          “Homer? Abe?” asked Sharon.

          “No, I’m not naming him after anyone from the family Simpson. You’ve all fallen victim to a very long term and elaborate wind up!!”

          “I wouldn’t really call it elaborate.” Said Joe.

          “Just dumb!” added Aaron.

          “So what are you going to call him?” asked a confused yet relieved Sharon.

          “Until today I had no idea!” revealed Nathan. “But I’ve had a thought.”

          “Uh-oh.” Said Aaron.

          “What about calling our son after a lasting reminder of today, or more specifically where I was heading to as he started to make his way from the womb.” Sharon contemplated that thought for a few seconds.

          “You are not calling our son NEC!” she responded. “I’d rather you call him Bart!!!”

          “No. It’s not the NEC, it’s the LG Arena.”

          “Ha! Knew I’d get you calling it that!!” said Joe.

          “What about his initials being LG? Lewis Grant.” Nathan suggested.

          “Lewis Grant Simpson.” Chris said out loud.

          “I actually like that!” said Sharon.

          “Yeah, me too!” Aaron added. “It actually sounds normal!”

          “Lewis Grant it is then!” said Joe.

          “Family photo time?” Chris asked, holding up his camera phone.

          “You bet!” said Nathan, as he sat down on the edge of the bed next to Sharon, carefully holding baby Lewis up in readiness for the picture to be taken as Chris stood in position.

          “This feels really weird.” Said Aaron to Joe. “I actually feel really happy for Nathan!!!”

          “It’ll probably pass.” Said Joe. “Knowing you it’s probably wind!!!” he joked.