Giveing Her Up

         My parents remind everyday that I was the biggest mistake of thier lives. They tell me over and over, drill it into my head so that I wont ever forget. Most of the time I try to ignore them, but that doesnt always work. When someone is screaming how much they hate you, and how much they dont want you, its kind of hard to tune it all out. Its also hard not to believe them. Being constantly reminded of the pain I caused them, and of the pain they caused me takes a toll on someone. You start believeing what they say, no matter how ridiculous it all sounds. Whether they're telling you that your a horrible person, or that no one will ever give a damn about you, starts to become pretty believable if you hear it enough. And I've heard it plenty.

                We live in a one-story house. Me, my mom, and my dad. All cramped together. My mom makes me call her by her first name. Susan. She says it makes her feel 'younger.' When in reality, she just doesnt want to be reminded that she is a mom. Especially the mom of such a stupid, ugly, hormonal teenager. Her words, not mine. So, when I told my mom that I was pregnant, it didnt come as a shock when she just shrugged her shoulders and said "whatever." I was hoping for some kind of reaction, showing she was maybe even the slightest bit worried about me, but her face was emotionless. My mom wasnt the one I was worried about though. Neither was my dad. It was my boyfriend, Ethan. The father of the soon to be baby.

                Ethan is a senior. He was part of the 'popular' crowd, something I didnt know anything about. Until I met him, I had been an outcast. Invisible. I didnt mind of course. I really never enjoyed being in the spot light. Ethan's everthing you look for in a guy. He's got the good looks: dirty blonde hair that hangs just below his bright turquoise eyes, tall, muscular. He's funny, creative, unique, sensitive. He only shows his sensitive side to me though, which is perfectly fine. Most girls look at me with envy when were walking down the hall and his hand his intertwinded with mine. I just smile and continue walking down the hall with him. I haven't told Ethan about the baby yet. I found out almost a week ago, that I was twelve weeks pregnant. It came as a big surprise to me, considering we were always careful. I know he can tell something has been bothering me, but he didnt ask, thinking I just needed my space. I didnt know what I was going to do yet. I thought about all my options. Abortion. Adoption. Or, keep the child. I considered abortion, thinking that might be the easiest choice. Not tell Ethan at all, and just let this whole thing be over with, but I would never forgive myself if I did.

              I hear stories about pregnant teenage moms. How difficult it is. Many drop out of highschool, and ruin there futures. Much like my parents, and now they resent me for it. I dont want my future to be ruined, but I cant even think about leaving my baby with some stranger. I couldnt take care of a baby either. I don't have the money, and I definitely don't have my parents support. I still have Ethan though. Maybe he would want to keep the baby, and take care of it. We could get a small apartment somewhere, and raise our child. I could give the baby the kind of life I never had. But, I had to talk to Ethan first.

         I was walking up the steps to his home, when I heard someone call my name. It was Ethan. I knew his voice anywhere. I had it memorized.

         "Jessica? What are you doing here?"

         I turned around, and saw Ethan, standing there, looking at me, hands locked with some girl. I regconized her from school, but I had never really talked to her. I couldnt believe this. Was..was he cheating on me? I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Instead, I turned in the direction I came, and ran all the way home. When I thought I was a good distance away, I slowed to a walk. I could feel tears streaming down my face. I stopped walking completly, and sat down on the curb. I heard footsteps approach beside me. Ethan. He followed me. I wasnt in the mood to talk to him. I never wanted to see him again. I wanted him to dissapear. Or better, I wanted to dissapear. I was about to start running again when he caught my arm, and pressed me against him. I tried to fight back but it was useless. He was stronger than me. I jerked my head up and stared into his eyes.

         'Let me go! I don't want to talk to you! I don't want to see you! I hate you. Leave me alone." I was still struggling in his arms, but he wasnt going to let go. All my emotions came pouring out. My body went limp in his arms, and I sobbed on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through my hair, softly, saying he was sorry. He was so sorry. That he never meant to hurt me. He asked me to forgive him.

         I looked up into his eyes, and saw truth there. But he hurt me, and I dont think I'd ever be able to forgive him.

         He was still holding me, but not as tightly. He was sure I wasn't going to run off again.

         "Jessica, please. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It was a stupid mistake. It will never happen again.

         "No. You mean you never meant to get caught. You didn't care if you hurt me or not! Your right about one thing though, it will never happen again. Not with me anyway." I pushed him away from me, and started sprinting across the street. Before I left though, I turnded back to the boy I believe I loved, who I thought loved me, and hollered "Im pregnant, Ethan." Then, I ran back to my house, leaving him standing there, eyes wide, and mouth hung open. I go up to my room without saying anything to my parents, closed the door, and lay down on my bed. I rummaged through my nightstand looking for the thing I need most right now. Its a bad habit, one I need to break, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Its not really a habit, but more like an obsession. An obsession I hate, but one that I don't want to stop. I pick up the shiny metal blade, and roll up my sleeve. I place the blade on my wrist, just above the little blue vein. I slice the cool metal into my skin, once, then twice. Its a head rush for me. Nobody understands the reason I do this. Not that anyone knows. Except my mom.

                I tried talking to her about it one day. I asked her if it was normal. She ignored me. Crimson blood spilled from the open wound, staining my bed spread. I watched it drip onto my carpet, not caring about any stains. After about three minutes, I applied pressure to my wound, stopping the blood. I ran my finger over the cuts, recalling past scars I had. Call me crazy but I like it. All the pain that I have locked away seems to drain alittle more with each drop of blood. The physical pain blocks out the emotional pain.

         I lay back on my bed, thinking about Ethan. Thinking about our baby, and what we are going to do. What I am goingt to do. Im on my own now. I could give the baby up for adoption. I heard thats a tough process though, and I dont know if I would have the strengh to go through it alone. I guess after I cool down for a couple days I'll try to talk to Ethan. We have to get this straightened out. I already know that there is never going to me a 'Ethan and me' anymore. We are over. Im certain of that. I wonder how many other girls he's cheated on me with. I wonder if there even was a time in our two year relationship when he was faithful.

         I closed my eyes hoping sleep would come and take me away. I have school in the morning, and I needed it desperately. But it didnt come. I layed awake all night, staring at my ceiling, replaying what happened earlier today. I've felt alone before Ethan, but now, after, its much worse. I feel like my walls are caving in around me, trapping me. I sat up in my bed and looked around for something. For anything that might help me go to sleep. There was nothing though. So, instead I got up, and headed for my door. I needed some fresh air. The cold night air whirled around me when I stepped outside. What I saw both shocked me and angered me. But, most of all, it also put a smile on my face. Sitting at my doorstep, was an arrangement of flowes. My favorite kind of flowers. Tiger lillies. Taped to it was a note. It was Ethans handwritting. All it said was I'm sorry. For half a second I wondered if id ever be able to forgive him. I wondered if it would ever happen again. If he would change. But I knew in the back of my mind, he wouldn't. And I couldn't be with someone like that. Even if I was

carrying their child.

         I went back inside, crumpled up the paper, and put the flowers on the table. I didn't want them. I couldn't take them because if I took them, Id be saying I was okay with what happened, and I wasnt okay with it. I went back to my room, knowing I'd have to face Ethan tomorrow. I'd have to talk to him. I wouldn't take him back though. It was almost morning when I stepped back into my room. I was exhausted. I tried to lay down, but I knew I would have to get right back up, and get ready for school. So, instead I went and took a hot shower.

         My mom was up when I got out. She didn't say anything to me. She didn't even look at me. I walked back to my room and finished getting ready. Before I left and walked out the door though, I yelled, "Bye, mom. See you when I get home. Have a good day." She gasped at the word mom. I think that was really the only word she had heard. She tried to say something, but I closed the door before she had a chance.

         When I got to school, apprenty everyone had heard about what happened with me and Ethan. All eyes were on me. This girl that was with him that day, passed me in the hallway and smiled like she accomplished something that was the 'impossible.' Now, I was the one staring with envy. Then, I saw him. He looked like he didn't get any sleep at all last night too. That made me feel alittle better. People were coming up to him in the hallways, but he ignored them all. His eyes caught mine, and I glanced away quickly, embarassed. I started walking down the hallway to my classroom. I knew I wouldn't make it though. He was already behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. My heart started beating fast in my chest, and I could tell his was too.

         "Skip fourth with me and take a walk?"

         "O-okay," I choked out. I was already holding back tears. We walked in silence to the front of the school. We walked across the street, to a Subway, and took a seat outside.

         "Would you like anything to eat?" I shook my head, and stared at the sky over his head. The sun was shinning brightly, and I had to squint, so it wouldnt hurt my eyes.

         "Why?" I asked. I needed to know. The question must have caught him off guard, because he got a puzzled look on his face.

         "Why what?"

         "Why did you cheat on me? I just need to know." He looked uncomfortable, obviously not wanting to have this conversation.

         "I-I well. I dont know. It just sort of happened." He turned his head, no longer looking me in the eye. "It's not like I meant for it to happen, Jessica. I honeslty didnt mean to hurt you. And I'm sorry." His gaze shifted back to mine.

         "So, what are we going to do?"

         "I was hoping we could get back together? Act like nothing happened." Like I could act like nothing happened. I would never forget what happened, whether we were still together or not.

         "No, Ethan. We're not getting back together. I cant. And thats not what I was talking about. What are we going to do about this?" I gestured to my stomach. A single tear fell from my eye, and ran down my cheek. I didnt wipe it away though. I wanted him to know he hurt me. I wanted him to suffer and feel bad for what he did. His eyes followed the tear down my cheek, to the table where it fell. He stared at it for a long time, then look up at me and stared me straight in the eye.

         "Im to young to be a father. Im not ready." I looked away from him, knowing this was coming.

         "I knew you were going to say that."

         "Im sorry. I just cant be a father. Not yet anyway. Have you thought about..you know?"

         "Adoption?"

         "No..the other."

         "You mean abortion? How could you even say something like that? Abortion is not an option for me!" I was horrified that Ethen even sugested something like that.  Not that I hadnt already thought about that.

         "Okay, then what about adoption?"

         I didnt want to answer. I didnt want to be sitting here anymore. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

         "I thought about it."

         "Thats good. We can both go find the family together, and go meet them. We can do this together. Your not alone. Ill be with you every step of the way. After all, this is both our mistakes." Mistake. That word caught me off gaurd. I was a mistake, and I didnt want this baby growing up thinking it was a mistake too.

         "Dont bother Ethan. Ive been on my own my whole life. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Ill take care of this "mistake" on my own." I got up from the table and started walking home. I wasnt in the mood to go back to school. Ethan didnt bother coming after me this time, and honestly I was relieved he didnt. I could deal with this on my own. Ive dealt with everything on my own, so why is this any different?

         I immediatly started looking for foster parents. I wanted this to just go ahead a be over with. I didnt want to give my baby up, but I had no other choice. I found a family after about a month of searching. They seemed like a nice family searching for a baby. I met with them two weeks after I found them.

         "Do you want an open adoption or a closed adoption?" Maggie the adoption moms lawyer was talking to me. I think this was about the third time she asked me. I didnt know which one I wanted.

         "Closed. I want a closed adoption." I wanted to have the baby, give it to them, and pretend like this never happened, but I knew that wouldnt happen. I'd never forget about this. It hurt me so much to have to give my baby away, and it hurt alot worse that Ethan wouldnt even consider taking care of this child together.

         "Are you sure? An open adoption is fine with us you know?" It was the adoption mom this time. She look at me with sad eyes. Sad that I was having to go through this.

         "No. Im sure. Closed adoption. That's what I want."

         "Okay. Well your medical bills and everything will be paid for. You wont have to worry about any of that." The lady nodded and started to stand up. So did Austin and Melissa-the adoptive parents. I rose as well. They held out thier hands one at a time, and I shook them each. They walked me to the door, and we said our goodbyes.

         I walked home, crying my eyes out. I dont know how I was going to go through with this. I didnt know if I was even strong enough. Part of me believed that I could actually go through with this, but another part thought I would cave and wanna keep my baby. But, I just didnt know yet. I walked home with my head down, oblivious to my surrounding. I ran into Ethen, and stumbeled backwards.

         "Oh, hey," he said. He looked surprised to see me, almost like he didnt recognize me for a minute.

         "Hey," I whispered. If he asked where i was, i would tell him. I didnt want to lie to him, but I just hoped he wouldnt ask.

         "Whats up?"

         "Oh, uh, actually I just got done talking to the adoptive parents." Well, so much for not telling him.

         He looked angry, which was surprising to me.

         "What? And you didnt think I should have gone?"

         "No. I told you. Im doing this on my own. I dont need you. Its not your resonsiblitly."

         I turned to walk around but he grabbed my arm and spun me around so I was looking him in the eye.

         "You dont get it, do you? Im in the same boat as you. We did this together, were going to get out of this together. Im not letting you run off and find some strange people to take care of my child without me at least meeting them first." His grip loosened, but he didnt let go.

         "You know, I probably would have let you be apart in helping me with this, if you didnt refer to my child, as a "mistake." Im taking care of everything. I found a good home, and nice people, and I dont need you telling me what I can and cant do. Im doing whats best for me, and for my baby. Now let me go."

         He let me go, and I walked home. Did he seriously think I was going to let him have any part in this? Did he honestly think that? Whatever. I had enough to think about already.

         Months went by and I was beginning to get huge. Everyone at school had found out, and I had become the topic of conversation. I havnt talked to Ethan since our last conversation. Ive been avoiding him. I also kinda thinks hes been avoiding me. I meet up with the adoptive parents the other day. They wanted a check up on how the baby was doing. They also wanted to make sure i was going to go throught with this. Most day, I don't even go to school. I cant face Ethan, and I cant face everybodys stares. They look at me like im not new species or something. It gets old after awhile. My mom noticed that I had been staying home alot more latley.

         "Dont you have school? she asked me one afternoon.

         "Woah, mom. You actually noticed. Surprising."

         "Hey, you may think I dont care, but I do. Your the one who got yourself into this situation. I cant hold your hand throught everything, or else your not going to learn anything. Lifes not fair kid. Get used to it."

         Wow. I think that has been the most she has every said to me before. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away.

         Ethen came by about 4 weeks after that. By now,  I was a planet.

         "What do you want, Ethan?"

         "I told you. I want to be apart of this too. You cant just expect to me forget about this? And why haven't you been at school?"

         I didnt want to answer any of his questions, and I especialy didnt want him to be any part of this. But I guess I didnt really have a choice. He was the father.

         "I dont want you to be apart of this, but I guess your right. You are the father, and I cant just isolate myself from you. I havnt been going to school, because, well look at me? Im huge. I get stares and laughs everywhere I turn. I just cant handle it anymore, Ethan."

         He took my hand in his. I liked the way it felt. Warm. I missed him. I missed hanging out with him, and just being around him.

         "I told you, your not alone in this. Im here for you. All the way. You just have to let me be here for you. We can do this together. And screw all those people at school. Forget them. You cant throw your education away just casue something like this happened." He choose his words carefully I could tell. He almost said the words mistake, but changed his words fast.

         "Come on. Lets go." I pulled him up off his feet, but I didnt let go of his hand. He didnt let go either.

         "Where to?"

         "You'll see."

         We didnt say much after that. He told me whats been going on at school, and I told him whats been going on with me. This was how It was suppose to be. Me and him, our baby. We were suppose to go on walks like this, hand in hand, in love. We rounded the corner to Maggie and Nicks house and I saw that there car was in the drive way. I let go of Ethens hands, embarressed I held on to it for so long.

         "Where are we?" he asked.

         I didnt answer his question. I walked up to the door and knocked, and waiting for them to answer. I motioned for Ethen to come stand beside me. Nick answered the door.

         "Oh, hey Jessica. Whats up? Come in."

         I grabbed Ethens arms and pulled him inside. We both went in and sat on the couch.

         "Is Maggie here?" He shook his head, and disapered. A second later Maggie walked through the door.

         "Jessica? Is everything okay?"

         "Yes, everythings fine. I just wanted you to meet someone." I looked at Ethan, who was looking at the house. "Ethan? This is Maggie and Nick. Theyre the adoptive parents."

         Ethan's head jerked to them. He stood up and took both there hands and said it was a pleasure to meet them.

         "So your Ethan? Hm..Ive heard alot about you."

         "Oh really?" He looked at me, and my cheeks flushed red.

         We talked a little while longer, then left.

         "Thank you."

         "Thought you just might want to meet the strangers I was letting our baby live with. Its a closed adoption, you know?"

         "I figured."

         He walked me home in slilence. We were holding hands the whole way there. I felt whole again. We got to my steps, and he looked me in the eyes. He leaned down, and kissed me. I was totally in shock, but I kissed him back. I guess my feelings for him didnt go away. He broke the kiss, leaving me gasping for air. "I love you," He whispered. Then he left, and walked back the way we came.

         My water broke. It was the middle of the night. My mom wouldnt drive me to the hospital, so I had to call Ethen. He was asleep when I called, but when I told him what happened, he came over right away. He took me to the hospital. I told him to go home, that he didnt have to stay, but he just smiled at me, and kissed my cheek.

              Ive never felt anything like it before. The pain, the screaming. I dont exactly know how to describe what its like. But it hurts really bad. Its the worse pain I have every felt in my life. The worse. Im glad Ethan was there the whole time though. I think I might have broke his hand. I didnt want to hold the baby. I didnt want to see her. Neither did Ethan. It was just to painful. I was sure if I saw her, then I would change my mind right there, and keep her. I couldnt do that to Maggie and Nick though. When I got out of the hospital, I went over to Maggies and Nicks. I dont know why exactly, I juut wanted to check up on them. See how they were. See how my baby was. Their baby was. They looked surprised to see me, but had no problem with me being there.

         "Hey, I just wanted to see how you guys were doing." They smiled, but I could see they knew the real reason I was here.

         "Stay here. Ill be right back."

         Maggie came back a second later, holding a baby in her arms. She walked towards me.

         "Her names Jessica."

         She handed the baby to me, and I took her in my arms. "Jessica?" I looked up, a smile creeping across my face. And tears spilling from my eyes.

         "Yes. We named her after our hero. A girl who gave us the best gift. A gift nobody else would give us."

         I held my baby in my arms for the first time, and I never wanted to let her go. I fell in love instantly. I knew, though, no matter how hard it would be, I would have to give her back. As I held her in my arms, I realized, I did the best thing possible. I dont think it was the best choice for me, but I was definitely sure, I did the best thing for my baby.