The 350 Runner

The 350 Runner

What does a 35 year old man who is out of shape and overweight do to get back in shape the least expensive way possible?  There are many activities to choose from, and if you want to spend some coin there are many more.  I decided to start running.

Things needed:

Shorts: Check
Shirt: (optional) Check
Socks: Check
Shoes: Check (well sort of)

I have tennis shoes but I found out the first day out that they are not the best shoes for running. Not only did the ones I own feel like cinder blocks, they also make my joints feel like they were in a vice. I am sure to the person who is in shape these shoes would have been fine, but I am not.
First things first, research.  Luckily in this day and age we don’t have to pick up the phone and call around every athletic store in town to find answers to what we need, nor do we have to drive around checking all the prices, we have internet and internet I used.

GOOGLE: Top running shoes

This ought to be easy.  Luckily for me everyone on planet earth who sells running shoes, or has an investment in the running world, has an opinion. It was information overload to say the least.  I chose what looked to be a formidable website in Runner’s World, after all they do have a magazine and that has to mean something.  Luckily they not only know a lot about running but about shoes as well. Click.

I steamrolled through all 20 shoe reviews and watched a half dozen videos as well. I learned I don’t know jack  about running shoes or anything they were talking about. This prompted me to Google “overpronation” in which I watched a one minute video of a guy running on a treadmill with the lens focused only on his legs.  This would be fantastic information if I could actually see myself running to tell if I “overpronated”. I’m lost.

I decide that the internet is for losers and that I can do much better for myself if I just go to a store and ask some questions. I was in luck; they have a store here in town that specializes in running. To top it off it is called “Get Fit”. Perfect.  What is even nicer is they have the bio’s of all the running accomplishments of the store employee’s. These people really like to run, and I really need an expert. After calling to see if they were open during the day, they assured me they were. I’m in business.

Not thinking of the fact that I wear a suit to work every day and not thinking it is going to matter, I hang up my jacket and head out to the store. I arrive in my dress shoes, slacks, shirt and tie.  After all, I just need to ask a few questions and pick out some shoes and leave right?  Wrong.  I walked into the UFC octagon of running and the cage door shut and locked behind me. All eyes turned to me as I walked in door and suddenly my hours of internet research seemed to mean nothing.

What looked to be a nice looking lady in her late 40’s wearing running gear and a name tag that said “Bridget” slowly approached me.  Oh no, I have read her bio, she has run over 6 marathons and 50 or more 5k, 10k, and half marathons since the age of 42.  I can already tell she is going to see through my pseudo-running knowledge. Now I all of a sudden feel awkward.

Bridget: “Is there something I can help you find?”
Shay: “Ummmmm, yeah I’m uhhhh”
I’m at a loss for words but I don’t want them to think I don’t know about “running”.
Shay: “Yeah, (with as much confidence as I can muster) I’m looking for some running shoes, something with a lot of pronation.”
Bridget stares at me like I facebook with 14 year old girls. Not good. But she is a professional and pushes right on through my ignorance.
Bridget: “So what sort of distances are you running, 5k; 10k? And how often a week?”
As much as I want to lie my way through this answer I feel that if I am going to be part of this running cult I might as well come clean.
Shay: “Im a 350 runner”
Bridget: (confused) “350 runner?”
Shay: “Yeah, I’ve been running for two days now and last night I ran 350 yards. It was fantastic, especially the runners high I got afterwards.  Right after I collapsed in the park I got light headed and a sense of euphoria ran over me as I rolled over and puked in the grass.”

Bridget is not impressed but she again pushes on. I learned really quickly that I am not dressed to make such a purchase, but this does not distract her from my wallet. She instructs me to take off my socks and shoes and roll up my suit pants. Bridget bends down to take a look at my feet. She then informs me I will need to walk across the store and back. As I get to the end of the store I turn around to see Bridget crouching down watching my strides and I head back to her. Easy, no problem, this is cake. Not so fast.

Bridget: “Now I’m going to need you to jog to the other end of the store and back so I can better see what type of shoe I will need to put you in.”

Wait. Wait. Wait. She wants me to actually run in the store?  I’m in a suit!!!!  But what can I do, I already look like an idiot, being barefoot with my pants rolled up to my ankles, so why not. I take off running to the other end of the store and turn around with Bridget waving me back to her. Please tell me this is only one trip. Nope, I have to do it again.  As I return for the second time I’m bending over with my hands on my knees breathing every ounce of extra oxygen I can get out of the room.

Bridget: “Are you ok?”
I look up at her with as evil a stare as I can muster.
Shay: “Sure, got any water?”
Bridget: “No we don’t, sorry. That was only 50 feet by the way”

I hate her but I must not let it distract me from my goal.

After this exhausting and strenuous pre-screening it seems I have passed the test and she will still allow me to buy shoes. Whew. But before we get started trying on shoes I must be informed thoroughly that “running socks” are essential in getting the most out of my shoes.  I’m not listening and no one else should. This is nonsense.  These socks I am going to use to try on shoes are not made of cotton but what seems to be some material designed by NASA.  All I can tell you is that it feels like a sock when I put it on.  Can we just try on the shoes?

Yes. I am brought out three different pairs of shoes, two of which I am vaguely familiar of the name brand and the other one I have never heard of.  Brooks, Asics, and Saucony.  She laces up the Saucony, pronounced “SOCK NEE” for those that care, and she did because I learned the correct pronunciation from her correcting me. I don’t know what it is about runners but they have terrible taste in shoes. These things look like they were made to be marching in a gay pride parade (not that there is anything wrong with that).  After trying on all three pairs I decide that the Asics felt the best and they were most definitely the ugliest of the three which has to mean they perform the best as well. We are good to go.  Just need to see how much she is into me for.  After telling me the price I wanted to make sure that I was just buying the shoes and not the entire store. I wasn’t.

I had to have another talk with Bridget and explain all over again that I am a 350 yard runner and that there is no way those shoes are going to change the fact I am out of shape so there is no need to spend that sort of cash.  She comes right back at me explaining the stability I would need for my “slight overpronation” and this shoe was ideal.

Fortunately, there was another lady looking at shoes that decided to pop in and get Bridget’s attention. I told Bridget to go ahead; I needed to reassess the situation anyway. I overheard the girl behind me explaining to Bridget she needed “A high impact shoe because I’m teaching a class at the gym and doing a lot of platonic work”

I hate both of them now.

When Bridget gets back to me I glance over at the sale shoes and ask her to explain to me why these shoes would not work for me. She again starts rambling on about stability and pronation, but I am done listening at this point. I’m trying on “sale” shoes.  It seems that they don’t get any commission on these shoes because Bridget’s enthusiasm has gone out the window and I am now lacing up my own shoes and trying them on.  But I don’t care because these “sale” shoes feel absolutely fantastic!!!!!

Shay: “Bridget, I’m sold on these shoes that I have actually heard of, “Nike”.  Let me ask you something, how often do I need to replace the shoes?”
Bridget: “We usually say every 500 to 1000 miles”
Well, which is it Bridget, I think to myself.  I’m actually smiling and trying not to laugh but I play along.
Shay: “FANTASTIC!!!  So 30 years then”

She does not find me humorous at all, being the running novice that I am.  I go to the counter and she checks me out for $87 worth of running shoes. As I am grabbing my bag from the counter Bridget leans over and puts her hand on mine and says “Now you be careful and take it easy, we don’t want you to get hurt”

Yep, I hate her.

Shay Wallace
Freelance Writer