There's a Jack Nicholson under my bed

When I was a child, my big brother used to tell me stories of horrible slimy monsters with enormous feet and big googly eyes, not unlike those crazy monsters in that hilarious film Monsters inc, awww I love that movie… anywho, with all this talk of monsters and whatnot, bedtime was an issue, I couldn’t fall asleep because I was so afraid that the Fudge monster would eat me, so like any good parent would, my mum would lovingly slip a few sleeping pills into my mashed potatoes. My parents tried everything to convince me there were no monsters under my bed, they brought in an exorcist and the cast of ghost busters who turned out to not actually be real ghostbusters, which was a big disappointment. Fifteen years later on the day of my 21st birthday, my Dad gave me the “talk”, you know, the “talk” about life and… erm… sex. I’d had a sex talk 2 years earlier but it involved sock puppets and a children’s book entitled “Billy the rabbit is suddenly finding Wendy the rabbit strangely attractive”. This time however I was “treated” to the X rated version. I had no idea rabbits liked foreplay. Anyway, It was during this talk that my Dad finally convinced me that monsters don’t exist and those death threats I thought were coming from the fudge monster, were just from him after I washed his car with a scourer. As I walked back up stairs, with the image of animated rabbits partaking in sexual indulgences firmly stuck into my memory, I heard a peculiar sound coming from my bedroom, a sound that was suspiciously like an elderly person’s uncontrollable flatulence. I immediately got into ninja mode, (I spent a month in bed watching Jackie Chan films when I broke my leg, so im pretty much a qualified ninja) As I slowly crept into my bedroom with my rape whistle in hand it all looked the same, but felt completely different, like there was a presence in the room. So I shouted out in my tough Vinnie Jones voice “I know you’re here fudge monster, Im not afraid of you anymore! My dad told me you’re not real… right after he showed me bunnies having sex, so stop hiding you coward… and face me like a man!!” What I said was really threatening except I ended up sounding more like a scared little 6-year-old girl on helium. After 10 minutes of nothing, I finally came to the conclusion that those horny bunnies had messed me up to the point where I was imagining things, although I did feel it necessary to set up a watch team comprised of my teddy bears to keep guard just in case… what? Grown men can have teddy bears too ya know! Anyway, later that night while I was lying in bed, reeling over the revelation that all polar bears are left handed, and in the dead of night, I heard an unusual sound come from under my bed. It sounded like a groaning stomach from a big hungry monster! “Oh no! The fudge monster’s hungry and he’s finally going to eat me! Ok I’m sorry for what I said earlier! You are real! Please don’t eat me!! And then I heard a sound that shakes me to my very core even to this day, in the pitch black darkness, I heard “Hey kid… you got any milk” faster than Usain Bolt I ran down stairs and spent the night in my Hannah Montana tent with my Power rangers gun primed at the ready in case the monster under my bed attacked. The following morning after a sleepless night and 50 cups of coffee later, I confronted my parents about the night’s events. “erm… I had an interesting night last night” “Did you?” mum said, not really caring, “yeah, erm you know that time when I told you about the fudge monster?” “What, everyday for the last 21 years? Yeah I think I remember it, why?” “erm… well the fudge monster spoke to me last night” “That’s nice dear of course he did, why don’t you have some cereal, with absolutely no sleeping pills in there what so ever” mum said “I thought we’d established that the bludge monster wasn’t real, what did he say to you?” Dad said in a condescending tone. “Firstly, dad, it’s pronounced Fudge monster and yeah we had established that he wasn’t real but frankly the only thing I remember from that entire talk was Rabbit porn! And lastly if you must know, he asked if I had milk… milk! What kind of a sick person asks for milk! So then I ended up sleeping down stairs, I was alright though if either of you care, I cast a protective spell with my Harry Potter wand.” After I said this I stormed out of the room, luckily I’d taken a “how to storm out of a room” class, so I was really good at it, who can resist a good storm out? As I stormed out I heard a faint voice say, “He needs to get laid… big time!”
         What my parents said, really got to me, so I was going to face my fears head on! Confronting the fudge monster wasn’t going to be easy, so I equipped myself with the most advanced monster killing technology in the world… AKA a toy lightsabre, hulk hands and a Hello kitty bicycle helmet. As I approached the bed, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, knowing this would be the first time I would be face to face with the fudge monster and then I suddenly for some reason, started thinking about Pandas. I crouched down at the side of my bed, and with my hands shaking more than Shakira’s hips, I slowly pulled back the bed skirt, and as I shinned my Doctor Who torch under the bed, I finally saw the monster under my bed, but this monster wasn’t slimy with enormous feet and big googly eyes, instead it had crazy hair and a big belly, in fact it looked suspiciously like that guy who was in that film about that guy who goes insane and then starts killing a whole bunch of people and his son is like psychic or something, ahh what was his name again, I know it starts with a J, or something, what was the title of this story? Hold on let me just check… oh yeah Jack Nicholson. As I stared at the monster under my bed, or Jack Nicholson as he had become known as, I couldn’t help but wonder why Jack Nicholson, a 3 time Academy award winner was hiding under my bed? “Hey, you got any cake?” he said in a nonchalant tone. “erm no… but I brought you some milk, it’s whole milk, is that alright?” he seemed to enjoy the milk as he had drunken the whole cartoon in one go. “erm… firstly I just wanna say, im a big fan, I loved something’s gotta give, oh and erm The departed, that was cool, erm secondly just a tiny little question… erm why are you under my bed?” Jack explained everything and it turned out he was under my bed because he was preparing for a film where he plays a monster who lives under someone’s bed, he’d only been under there for 2 days and went soon after, but by facing my fears I was able to finally prove that monsters don’t exist and by doing so, found out there was a Hollywood legend under my bed. A few weeks later I found Owen Wilson was hiding in my cupboard, I’m hoping that one day I’ll find Angelina Jolie hiding in my Wardrobe.