The Journey Begins

I am a 48-year-old woman, recently divorced after 26 years of marriage and a highly successful career as a loan officer in the mortgage business.  I spent the majority of my life attempting to make other people happy or so I thought.  I have two beautiful children of which I am thankful each day that God allowed me the privilege to bring them to earth.  I woke up one day in a nightmare. It was the true reality of my life, which was the picture perfect marriage and career that I thought I had, was a myth.  I spent  about 12 hours a day seven(7) days a week  working, only to come  home and spend  the other time attempting to complete my domestic duties.  It never occurred to me that I was not being appreciated.  Anything  and everything that my  family  wanted  I gave  it to them; there  was  nothing that I would deny  them. I loved the holidays  they  were  my  ultimate sacrifice to my family  and  their  friends.  Usually, my husbands’ associates and my children’s’ friends were at these functions. I never  had  to  many  people to invite, it  was  not a  privilege  I  was  allowed.  I  had to face  the  truth  and  that  truth is,  I  was  living a self  made lie.  This awakening almost took my life.  I prayed each day that I woke up that it would be my last day to wake. I  would  literally  beg  death  to pick  me  up .  I know that I must have cried the river Nile.  Can you imagine what it  was  like  to  realize  that  your  hero  was  really  your  enemy.  That your kin folk did  not  care  that  you  shared  their  blood, and that  your  so called  friends never existed. Having to face  the  fact  that  you  had  been  a  clown  around  town,  the  butt of  jokes and  that your enemy  would  come  and  sit  right  in  your  face, lay in your bed  and laugh  at you.  To realize that the love,  you were expressing in your life was someone else’s’ best way to get you back.  I am not totally blaming those who made me their enemy, I accepted being blind.  I think that maybe the blindness helped me cope with my abuse.  I was addicted to pain , I was addicted to nicotine, I was addicted to food, I was addicted to people.  I allowed myself to be placed on shelf so long until I did not know who I really was.  I wanted to die, I really did.  I know it was a coward’s way out but at least I would not have to face the truth about myself or the people surrounding me.  I would wake every day and ask God to please take me away.  I even begin to think that God was very cruel. I could not understand why he allowed me to live.  I did not think there was anything so special about me that deserved life.  My children were grown and the man that I thought would always have my back totally betrayed me.  I went through changes immediately believing that God was punishing me for something. Maybe this happened to me, because of something I did. Maybe this was my entire fault. Shit,  then I remembered my childhood; that was not my fault. I remembered being rapped, that was not my fault. Then I thought maybe life was just one big pool of shit and when you jump in if you cannot swim, you will just drown in its’ fecal matter.  I became a little cynical for a while.  I could not find peace, then one day the inner man in me told me to journal. Journaling helped me.  Then I started using my prayer language, it released me.  I would talk to God and call on God constantly.  I went within and bottled myself up with my one true friend (Jesus, yes people, Jesus, the sweetest name that I knew. However, it was not the Jesus that humankind lied to me about it was the real Jesus.  The entity brought comfort, healing, counsel and food). I started to realize that I did not know what I liked, or what I wanted out of life. I decided that I would never be hurt again, but I would never love again either, never.  I built a wall around my heart.  The only man I would let would be in the image of God, sent by God personally.  God took away all of my addictions and let me tell you that amazed me truly.  I still was very suspicions of people; I just knew that around every corner and every place that I went, people were waiting to hurt me.  I struck first by not allowing any of them to penetrate my inner sanctum.  I thought I was free but I was not.  I still have some growing to do.  Nevertheless, by the grace of God, I have accepted that my existence in this plain of life is meant to be.  I have learned that it is good to take time to know you.  I also realized that not everyone will like you, and most people who don’t have formed opinions, based on their feeling and the feelings of others.  I have accepted that sometimes what we call failure is actually freedom, being released into your life.  You see the only reason I existed was because of someone else’s existence.  I allowed myself to be a victim and the victimizers took advantage of that.  However, what has happened to me is amazing.  I have found love in the mist of trials, test, tribulations, rejection, misuse, poverty, (I say poverty because my best year as a loan officer I made over 212,000.00 and now I am willing unemployed and enjoying it).  It is amazing what God can do with scraps.  That’s all I was, scraps, scraps of emotional scars, left by the people I loved and trusted.  I was such a good target strangers would come near and far to take a swing at me. (Of course this is my psychosis talking, they were not strangers they knew me I did not know them).  One day the inner man told me to sketch, and I did, it amazed me because the sketches were really good.  Next, the inner man told me to write, that amazed me too,  because the writing is really good.  Of course, the grammar needs a little help but the messages are clear.  Therefore, if you are wallowing in self-pity, if you are the undeniable self righteous, if you are an emotional mess, if you are in doubt of the goodness of God, if you are considered to be a social eyesore, welcome to Chrystal’s Feel Good Drug Store. I hope this helps some body.  Also let me not forget to express how blessed I am because of the church family that I am a member of. I needed them and they embraced me I did not agree with everything but I loved my sisters and brothers and I still do.  .
This is written by an essence known as Chrystal Ellis. Out of a near death experience, she was resurrected into another dimension of life. This is only a testimony of what happens when extreme trauma hits you from the blind side. It documents the sporadic mental state, as evidenced by the rhythm and tone of the writer. This essence was able to function after extreme trauma, by placing her existence within the mental consciousness of the Creator. By having an assurance that she was being protected and watched over she was able to move without fear of being hurt again. By keeping her covenant, she was covered by Divine protection. This manifested journey identified a new creator, in the same physical domain. The Journey Begins. Kids this is for you and my future generations, note,  “this is what your ancestor wrote”. To my future generations.