Darkest Desires Pt.1

Darkest Desires

I pulled the thin razor across my skin, pushing down deep enough so that my flesh

split apart under its weight. I had done this once or twice before and now felt that I had

the hang of it. Looking down I saw crimson beginning to creep out from underneath my

skin, as more of elixir ran from my body; the torturous feeling of pain acting as a euphoric

wave hitting me time and time again, my dancing partner waltzing with me as we weaved

in and out of deaths pathway.

I heard a loud pounding on my bedroom door, one of my parents yelling something

I couldn’t exactly make out their words my senses were starting to blur together ,

the sounds went from calm, to anger and threats, to slight fear. I could

hear each emotion and almost see it vividly expressed in the air around my door carried on

the vocal waves of the person on the other side, after another few moments a different

voice sprang to life, it spouted curse words before the door shook violently. “Hmm must

be dad this time” I thought to myself, the pain was starting to drain away, leaving only the

myriad of feelings welling up inside of me, jubilation, grief, anger, fear, relief, most

of all relief the feeling that I was almost done, a hairsbreadth from finally being pulled out of the abyss.

It had happened quicker last time, maybe it was because I was getting used to it,

seconds later the door began to splinter and ripped off its hinges, through the haze that

was overcoming my vision, I saw my father come sprawling through the remains of my

door he immediately grabbed me and picked me up, my mother looked at me, her face

paralyzed with sickened horror, my dad had me in the car before I could protest,

our car must’ve seemed like a hellish chariot the way it burned through traffic.

I passed out on our way through the hospital doors.

I groggily awoke to my doctor’s voice, “You know your parents won’t have

much money left if you continue to force them to bring you here, you’ll end up destitute on the

street, and they’ve both worked so hard to get out and away from that life, for themselves

and for you…do you really want to end up there. My eyes drifted over the room, until I

found him, “Dr. Carter I could care less where they end up, or myself for that matter, its

not my fault if they do land in the street; I’m not asking them to bring me in here they just

feel this need to do it, a sharp voice sliced through the air”, “Oh well I guess you’ll decide

the fate of your family soon enough”

Dr. Carter  looked at me a final time and finished looking down at a set of charts

and papers he held, “Your parents will be in shortly, Terry, and your father looks a little

more than pissed this time.” I waved his words away and lie there waiting for him to leave,

after he exited, I had a momentary lapse, a silence which would’ve allowed for reflection

and thought, this was quickly shattered when my father opened the door with my mother

moving silently ahead of him. I could instantly tell when he entered that Dr. Carter had

been correct, the air seemed to move with an unfounded rage, mixed along with the sour

fear emanating from my mother.

His tone was low, and crisp, it cut through the air the same way the razor had cut

through my skin, severing all thought in a jagged yet clean fashion. “No more, if you do

this again I will let you die, you may want to kill yourself, but I wont let you kill our

family, I will not have you drag your mother and I back down into what we escaped out

Of. I looked over and my mother she wasn’t exactly cowering, but her head was lowered

as if she couldn’t stand to look at me, to most others my dads fury and my mothers disgust

would’ve been a lot to take in, but all I felt now was coolness, the continuous soft tug of

the abyss, dragging me back into itself.

I was fading fast from this room, the meagerness of the reality around me, the

faces of the two people who sat next to me began to almost seem clouded.

Than I was back sitting inside place I only knew as the pit. I didn’t especially like the pit

but it allowed me to view what was happening to the shell I inhabited. The people who were

assuming an authoritative role, my… I was struggling to find the right word, lethargy had me

bound now and after a short time I quit searching for it, falling instead to just calling them “the

people” one of them was yelling at my shell, my body, the thing I was supposed to be for

them, the other person sat looking grief stricken, their skin an eggshell pallor.

I stopped and turned away from the scene, and looked at the vastness around me,

a startlingly bleak landscape devoid of anything but a biting cold from the think heart

wrenching darkness, I walked into the blackness and let it engulf me.