Billie Jo (Out of the Dust)

Alone

I am an orphan.
This morning,
I got a phone call from Louise.
Lately,
every time I’ve seen her number show up
I’ve been filled with dread
waiting for her to break the bad news.
This time,
after being so anxious
for so long,
I answered and all I could hear was
sobbing.
That’s when I knew.
And everything in me went numb.
He had been sick for a while now,
from those deadly spots.
The very same that had taken the life of
his father before him, too.
He looked so frail and helpless,
laying in that cold hospital bed,
that I could barely bare to visit him.
In the end,
I guess it was a death sentence
spending all those long days in the sun.

It’s a grim thought,
thinking back on how it had
scared me sick-
the concept of being alone,
of my father dying too,
right after Ma passed.
And now,
that is exactly what has happened.

I know there’s so much
that I need to deal with;
Daddy’s funeral,
A will, if he ever thought to make one,
and probably,
even more that I haven’t even thought of yet.
But honestly,
I have no interest in any money that he had,
or his land.
And I want no part in the feuding
that’s bound to rip my family apart.

Besides Mary, my thirteen year old
half sister,
I’m my father’s only child.
I’ll deal with anything that I have to
later.
But right now,
all I want to do
is curl up and
sleep.
Sleep away my hurt.
And sleep away my guilt,
of leaving my father
all alone.
I knew he was sick.
I knew there was no chance
that he would make it through alive.
But I packed my bags,
and I set off to chase some dream
of becoming a concert pianist,
just like my Ma might have been.
Now, I can’t believe
how selfish I was.
All that I could think about
was the piano,
and what an adventure it would be
to drag my family with me.
And now,
I’m facing the fact that
he’s gone.

And I never got to tell him
that I love him.
I’ll never get to say
goodbye.