Death and Fitting In

The feeling of losing control, the edge of finding a way to let it all go, to lose myself in pain and misery, to end one’s life, my own, but with the hint of sanity, to keep it all and be selfish as the one’s around me feel nothing but the pain and misery I caused. How can I live on and cause more misery and watch people suffer? If I ended my life would everything be resolved or would I cause more pain? Then again if I ended my life and let the one’s I love feel the pain of my loss they could eventually move on. Live a life they have always wanted. A life full of meaning that my life had been holding back. What if I could finally see that ending the life I hold so dear would and could fill the ones I love with such happiness that even heaven itself wouldn’t be good enough. But could I let myself fall into the darkness. Could I just simply become so selfish and let myself live. The answer will always lie within me. The answer isn’t so much how much I value my life over theirs but more of the question of how scared I am to die. How much do I fear death? Is it death itself or what follows? Or maybe it is that I fear that I will become nothing a nobody. Or am I already a nobody. Maybe I feel that I don’t deserve life because I am no one.

I just don’t understand who I am anymore. I want live, and then I want to die. I just can’t make up my mind. Sometimes I want to be nice but then I want to be mean. I don’t understand who the person I am exactly is? I have lived my life always thinking I always knew who I was but when I look deep inside I know my true self can never be found. I show everyone this fake person who will never be real. I am nothing more than a fake. I am as good as a toy made of plastic. I just do what people want me to do. I make myself out to be this person I am not. I am so scared of being alone that I throw myself out to people and pretend. My life is like a movie, everything changes from happy to sad, from easy to complicated in seconds. The only difference is that this movie never ends, it’s my life, and I’m the actor. Famous for being a complete fake, I act out a character who isn’t me and the audience seem to love it. It’s so weird how the world could love such things; they love to watch people suffer as they make them become a character of a story.  Everyone around us shapes us into the person they want us to be and as they come to realise it they take advantage of their situation and control the weak minded. They feed those who just want to be recognised, lie upon lie until their life becomes nothing but a life full of lies where no one on this planet wants them anymore. They succeed in making a nobody. A person who will do anything to get love from others without realising what they believe is right is wrong, they let people play around and mess with their heads. They let people use them until they cannot be used no more.