Travel Report -Thailand Experimental Lit

Trip Report:  Thailand
I arrived expecting everything to be manageable, everything to be five minutes away, women to be falling over counters to sleep with me, university students screaming "Short Time! Long Time! Two Thousand Baht!" like kids hawking newspapers in New York. I was an American confusing a country with their people's relative size; shock - shock in the best kind of way.


Suvarnabhumi Airport (Glazed City, Gateway to Paradise):
Terminal...12pm.  I got lost leaving the airport and followed an Indian out to the arrival area on the 2nd floor. The group managed to find taxis, but never found the taxi counter. Right away, I'm confused. My driver didn't turn the meter on.  Middle of the highway at 70km/h, he starts bartering. I settled at 400 baht (later on my way to and from Phuket I would pay 500, and my limousine taking me to the international airport ended up costing 1500 TBT.  In the end gluttony induced lethargy defeated any hope for negotiations.  But, we're not there yet).


Bangkok (Center of Smiles): 
Windsor Suites...2pm was a dream; a fine home for a fantastic fling.  By day, my hotel was pristine and luxurious. The entrance more giant atrium than lobby, cupping a bar serving espresso with cinnamon sticks and lemon biscuits – my daily bread and companion as I surfed the wi-fi or waited for the day's taxis, busses and limousines. The pool was fun, adorned with palms and shrubbery on a section of roof overlooking Sukumvit. Service was fantastic, the people managing everything I’d asked (though check-out did take an ungainly amount of time – it was the same at my other resort in Phuket). By night, the basement turned into ‘Scratchy Dog’, a filthy, barking rave, and I would study model Thai youth flowing in and out, confident down the red velvet staircase, ascending with unyielding cadence onto each other throughout the lobby until 5am.  Every night, I'd watch broken parades march away from the action, drawn by lemon grass and chili airs of a pad thai stand materializing next to the elevators for drunks and dancers. When all was done, I would find again and again my corner suite shower was fit for the locals not for the six foot four. I had to duck and bend some more.

My guide happened to be an ex Au Pair (live in nanny) who worked in the United States for a couple years. She was caring and friendly; took me ice skating and to the movies; brought me to the Grand Palace and walked me through finery on display where the King and family give speeches. She also happened to know two gentlemen both named Chris, both snagged by fellow migrating Au Pair dead set on marriage and US visas, coincidentally vacationing in low season just as I was.  Here was the look of a face married to a Thai, smiles: stupid happy in a ‘I pay for everything but oh lord she’s beautiful and perfect and nice and would never leave me and I love her now’ kind of way. I never so much as kissed mine though. It was innocent romance. I had Soi Cowboy down the street and, so, was rather satisfied.

Phuket (Grey Solitude, Great Sex):
Alpina Phuket Nalina resort and Spa...1am, check in at 2pm later that day. I decided to scope the area, figuring nightlife should have been just taking off.  Down the street the road forked. Left led up hills, the Great Wall of Club Med disorienting. Right led elsewhere.  I didn't care. I went left looking for beach. I found katoey. I found a lot of katoey that really "wanted to suck my cock", maybe even off the mopeds they chased me on. Eventually I hid in a bar; found a couple Englishman; had beer (my first Chaang); and was offered a cheap room upstairs. I didn't finish the beer. A young bloke looking pompous, inhaling cheap cigars, spewing fun facts, mentioned a ska bar at the end of the beach serving decent fair. The peanuts were upsetting my stomach when a half-naked Russian walked up screaming for tacos - he choked down his glass of whiskey, picked his fat belly and seemed to put on a ballet mid street, cutting his foot and cursing a neon sign. It was time to go. I couldn't figure left any further and detoured through lawns to lights along the beach. The ska bar is there, I hoped, at the end of my eyes, past the silence in my ears.  Logic failed. I hiked up a hill and down a long flight of stairs to the sand. I walked past bloated men getting head in time with the waves, gangs of katoey resting on cement barriers, out to a stretch of empty lawn chairs and empty beer bottles. Then I got soaked by a big wave, found a tuk-tuk and B-lined it to Alpina.

Alpina Phuket Nalina,...3am, check-in still 2pm later that day. I marveled at my brazen itinerary.  I plead with the night shift concierge to let me in earlier, conceding to pay for the extra night and pay my whole stay in advance. Just then a chubby, drunk, Japanese kid with twice a 5 o'clock shadow stumbled into the lobby followed by three little treasures - dolls as all Thai women are; but, obviously, go-go girls in civilian clothes. I winked, smiled, and watched as the man behind the desk tried to explain 1500TBT per lady for the night and any other ladies would require another room. This went on and on.  The head instigator sent two of the girls out front keeping one for emotional support until his friends showed up - more women, bags of alcohol, a twitchy kid in skater shoes hip-thrusting the back every chair in his way. I got a free night.

It rained. It rained and rained and rained, a magnetic mist climbing north over the lush Kata hills.  Low clouds rolled skyward, swelled, victoriously tearing happy soft drops morning through afternoon. I found a bookstore not too far from the hotel and read from my balcony. I ate bakery cakes, curry across the street, spicy coconut milk soup with prawn from my resort, and lounged - peaking over to the beach and watching the sea roll (no fishing this trip).

Kata...1am and itching.  My last night I took a taxi to Patong. A scrawny Thai man led me back and away to a go-go (Excalibur, maybe). The ladies were all unattended, antsy, lusting.  My left pocket empty, behind a sea of wasted drinks and with the coordination of a woman in charge, I picked a pearl faced vixen already sitting next to me and pulled a soft, lovely, girl from the stage. Back at the hotel I carried my prizes over puddles. I secreted them through the side entrance; whisked them upstairs. My hip is still bruised - fabulous.


Bangkok Again (Lust, Laughs, and Luxury):
Back at Windsor...mid afternoon minus a watch.  I dropped my bags and changed into proper clothes; called my favorite cabby, and was out to dinner. Where? I don't know. No meals under 750TBT - course after course for days. I found Q-bar:  too many cigars and a sexy American working for NGO's in Palestine. More food, every meal a set menu; ordering too much to eat ("Is the food good? Problem?" they asked. "Delicious, just eating too much" I'd reply patting my ballooning stomach). Jingko seeds boiled in coconut, shabu shabu, sushi, sticky rice with mango, a cooking class at Baipei; Thai wine, whisky, and beer - vomit...missed a date with my tour guide turned love interest. I had never fallen for room service.  I tipped heavily.  I Woke with warm water and lemon next to my bed; almost cried, laundry finished and hung without my saying anything or even packing it into bags. And finally, there was the cabaret! Feasts and Ladyboy extreme! Some were too beautiful, some scary hairy, begging, pawning.  I ran a hung over stumble, throwing baht at the dancers as they grabbed my clothes holding they're hands out as if they didn't make a salary, like backstreet fiends, scary and sickening. Next day was a late wake-up, but not too late. I was packed.  In time, I checked out; walked about; ate at a 1st floor mall restaurant, wishing I'd worn some of my fresh Brioni tailoring, not caring halfway through. Too lazy to walk, too full, too fat, I took a taxi to Windsor, a limo to the airport.

Reading.  Sleeping.  Back to work.

That was a good trip. A really good trip.

Note:  The story is actually linear for the most part.  I flew back and forth between two hotels at one point, so the experience is a bit disjointed.  I wasn't able to revisit any of the sites more than once (except the Windsor lobby).  I tried to write a memory - a flash of great reminiscence.  I'm not sure it worked or can be followed by anyone but me.  Please help!

Special Thanks to: Mariam for pushing clarity, consistency and reorganization.