The Abyss

The Book

It was the worst day of my life. I was terrified beyond belief. I clung by my raw, bloody fingers to the edge of a bottomless abyss. There was no escape. I struggled in a futile attempt to just hang on. The horror drove me to the edge of insanity. But, just as surely as death, the rocky edge crumbled, my fingers slipped and I fell headlong into screaming oblivion. I am going to die. I am really going to die. And, I am not going to heaven. I am not going anywhere. For, I will be dead.

I have believed in God all my life. I can’t remember when I did not believe. Coming from a Christian family I have always believed that there is a God and He created the universe. I believed that Jesus was His Son. And, that He was sent into the world to save mankind from its sins. I believed that there is life after death. I believed that God is a loving god. And, I believed He would help us with our problems if we ask earnestly enough.

When, as a young boy my prayers were not always answered I was told that God didn’t always answer prayers. “God has his reasons”, my mother would say, “what you are asking for may not be good for you”. I was told God has a great unfathomable plan, one that humans couldn’t possibly understand. So, I accepted what I was told on my mother’s word.

One day when I was about 8 years old I was playing in the front yard with my pet dog “Zero”. He was the most wonderful and loving pet any young boy could have. He was my best friend. I loved him dearly.

I remember that we were having the most fun, just doing the things that dogs and young boys do together. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, he darted across the road in front of a fast moving car. I panicked and screamed for him to stop. Miraculously, he made it safely to the other side. But, he heard my scream and apparently thought he’d done something wrong. And, being exceptionally obedient he immediately turned and ran back across the road; this time right into the path of the on coming car.

He didn’t die, not immediately. But, oh God, how I wished he had.

Somehow, he managed to get up off the Pavement. He was screaming in what must have been horrible pain. He ran directly to me and collapsed at my feet, as if somehow I could help. I couldn’t.

One rear leg had been shattered. His head had been crushed and was grotesquely misshapen. And, he screamed. I didn’t know till that moment that dogs screamed. And, I didn’t know till that moment there could be such pain. “Oh, God…. Help him!”

I prayed, of course, cried and prayed. But, my prayer like the prayers of untold millions before me went unanswered. All I could do was hold his head, try to comfort him, ……and cry. Even at this young age I new he was dying.

Zero screamed to the very end and then mercifully died.

For days afterward, I was haunted and terrified by what had happen. I remember my mom trying to help me understand. She said that “God works in strange ways and it isn’t our place to question His decisions. We should be able to accept on faith that God has done the right thing. Having this faith was the true measure of our love for God.” She said again, “that God has a great and wondrous plan for the world. And, everything happened for a reason.”

But, in the farthest reaches of my tortured mind I could not form a sane thought that would justify such an outrageously cruel act.

My mother had just told me “…God has a great and wondrous plan for the world. And, everything happened for a reason.”

How then, could God plan such a brutal death? It accomplished nothing. Surely, God, with His infinite wisdom could have found a better way. If God’s plan required the brutal, crushing death of a helpless little dog, common sense screams that the plan was a bad plan. Or, God just didn’t care. But, that can’t be. Can it? God is a loving God, isn’t He?

This awful thought kept running through my guilty mind. It scared me. Even at this young age I was troubled by this ominous moral paradox.

Was God always “A loving God” like I had been taught all my Christian life? He didn’t seem to love Zero. Or maybe, He just didn’t like dogs. I seriously considered that possibility. But, Mom explained to me, much to my grief, that almost every animal on earth would eventually die violently! “Why, Mom, why? Is that part of God’s plan too?” At the ancient age of 8 I just couldn’t understand. And, no matter how old I got, I never did.

In those years, my family attended church every Sunday. After Zero died, I ask our preacher about Zero’s death and it’s part in “God’s Great Plan”. He sidestepped the question, but I insisted. Finally he said, “Dogs don’t go to heaven. They don’t have souls. Animals die all the time”. He said it like that made it Ok, like it didn’t matter if they died. He followed with “Don’t worry about your little dog.”

I am profoundly sure of one thing; if there is a God in heaven, that little dog had a soul. I could see it in his eyes. Somehow, I knew that this “man of the cloth” was not in touch with the God I knew. Among other things, how could there be a paradise in heaven for me if the dog I loved so dearly wasn’t even there?

My Christian indoctrination continued for five or six more years. One Sunday I was attending a bible class in the same church. The “Dogs don’t have souls” preacher was listening in on the class. We were discussing who went to heaven and why. All the naïve questions were asked, of coarse; ”How about a person who’s been sinful all his life, then accepts Jesus on his death bed?” Or, “How about small children who die before they can understand about God?” The questions continued and I listened intently. Finally, it was my turn and I asked “What about people in a foreign country who never sinned, but they had no way to find out about God. What would happen to them?” The instructor fumbled for an answer. Suddenly, the preacher stood up and interrupted, “If they worshipped a false god they would be condemned to Hell.”

His answer shocked and scared me. Though I was only 14 years old, I practically shouted at him.

“That can’t be true! Why would God send somebody to Hell for not worshiping Him if they didn’t even know He existed? That doesn’t make sense. God doesn’t look for excuses to punish people, does He.”

To his credit the preacher kept his cool. Then he countered,
”We as Children of God are responsible for spreading the “Word” to all the world and giving everyone a chance to hear it, accept it and be saved. That was Christ’s commandment to His disciples. (Bible ref) That is why we have missionaries, so everyone will hear the “Good News” and have a chance to be saved. Because, any person who does not accept Christ for any reason “shall surely die.” (Biblical ref.)
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I sure didn’t know the answer but this wasn’t it.

But, I continued, “What about little kids who couldn’t understand about God?”
He said, “God has been clear on that point, He took the children of Sodom and Gomoro. He took the firstborn of every family in (MOSES, Biblical ref.) He destroyed every living thing on earth in the great flood, including the children. God is a vengeful God (biblical ref.)”

At that point, I forcefully clamped my jaw closed, looked straight ahead and with tears of anger filling my eyes, I just stopped talking. For suddenly, I realized I was in the enemy’s camp. I was not going to get enlighten answers here. How could this man occupy a leadership position in any legitimate church? How could a person called by God to be an ordained minister, be so deeply flawed? In time I found that there were a more Christians like him than I had ever imagined.

My parents, though more moderate, continued to attend that church for many years. But, from that moment forward, I held this man in such low esteem that I never again honored him nor anything he had to say. It was only my 14th year but I resolved to never again be in his presence. This became a source of chronic embarrassment to my parents. But, I was helpless to feel otherwise. I didn’t have words for it, but in that defining moment I realized that I was in the presence of, not a Christian minister, but of a mindless, vengeful, bigot. I even took a fleeting glance at his forehead, half expecting to see horns sprouting.

For the first time, I wondered what the word “Christian” really meant. Though I had an early Christian upbringing I was no longer confident that I knew what Christians believed. Instead of strengthening my faith this “Preacher” had almost destroyed it. His counsel had spread a gray menacing pallor over everything I thought I knew.

Over the years, this preacher had sent this type of repeated shock wave through my world. I believed that God was a loving God. I had heard that so many, many times from my parents, in Sunday school and in sermons from this very preacher. But, he was now describing God in totally different terms. He was suggesting that God killed innocent children! That was blasphemous! How could he utter such profanity!

When I got home I assailed my mother. “Do you know what the preacher said at church today!?” I shouted as I walked in. Then, I told her. I expected her to be reviled as I was. She wasn’t! She held my hand and patted my head, then she said,

“I know what God does sometimes seems harsh, but there is a reason for everything. Please try to understand that we are just human and cannot possibly comprehend what God’s plan or purpose is. We shouldn’t even question. He created us in His image but that doesn’t mean we are his equal. You have to be patient and you will understand in time.”

At that utterance, I felt a jarring physical pain as if she had slapped me across the face. I was immediately flushed. I wanted to shout “NO!” but I couldn’t. I just didn’t have the words. Was she actually agreeing with that demented minister? For the first time in my life I felt I might not know what my mom really believed. I said,
“How could you believe that God would kill all those kids?”
She said, “I didn’t say God killed them. That isn’t really true. He took them up to heaven.”

I was again without words. Finally, I was able to squeak out,
“Mom, He drown them before he took them up to heaven.”

Mom was quiet for a long time. Then she said,
“Chris, it bothers me too. I just know that the flood story is in the Bible and the Bible is the Word of God.”

I said, “There just has to be a better answer, Mom. I just don’t believe God would do something like that, do you?”

She looked very tired, “I just don’t know.” She paused and then said, “Chris, you are too young to be worrying about such things.” Then she stopped talking and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. I sensed there was a lot that Mom wasn’t saying. Perhaps, I had uncovered a heartache that Mom had quietly struggling with all her life.

It is many years later now. I have had a lifelong struggle with my understanding of God. And still, He remains an incomprehensible mystery. I have no better idea now, of who or what God is than I did long ago when He failed to answer a little boy’s desperate prayer as his loving dog Zero parted this ugly world.

I am an old man now and suddenly, without warning I am transported to a strange and curious place. From nowhere a searing bolt of lighting crashed painfully through my head. I am terrified. There is an intense ringing in my ears. All my senses have failed me. The room is spinning! I am weak and cannot move! I cannot see! With great effort, I wake but my eyes won’t open.

Very, very slowly I realize I am in a familiar place. It’s my own bed. The ringing slowly stops. The spinning subsides. I am suddenly warm and comfortable, and, as if by some miracle I do not hurt any more. It has been forever since I did not hurt. But, I am puzzled, for try as I might I can no longer see clearly. Everything is a dusty reddish brown and getting darker. I think the sun maybe setting.

I hear voices. Quiet voices. Talking. There are people here. Some I think I know. I try to hear but they are talking so softly.

Then a strange thing happened. I hear a new voice, a little louder than the rest. She seems to be talking to them. I strain to see her. She is wearing a white dress and cap, with white shoes. A nurse? But, why? I listen very carefully to what she is saying. At first I cannot hear her. Then like someone turned up the volume, her words rose above the background noise.

What she said then sent a violent convulsing terror through my entire body. “He is dying” she said.

No! No! What’s she saying, that I’m dying? She can’t be talking about me. She just can’t.

I am old and sick and tired and worn out but I am not dying!

I wanted to scream for help, for an explanation! Was she talking about me? I wanted terribly to set up and ask but nothing would move and my mouth was frozen.

Then a man voice next to me said, “What’s that? Did he say something? He seems to be trying to say something!“ “No,” said the nurse, “he’s just dreaming. They do that some times.”

I continued to struggle to speak and move but suddenly I was tired beyond words. And, the struggle just went out of me.

Then the earth shuddered and the sun set further and the room grew darker.

Then, I felt something nudging my foot. What could it be? Then with a suddenness that startled me, it leapt onto the bed.

My heart exploded! It was Zero! I screamed but nothing came out. I was in profound disbelief! This couldn’t be happening! I was overwhelmed! I was uncontrollably ecstatic. I grabbed him and hugged him and cried over him and he wagged his tail wildly. He licked my face as he always used to do. Then he shivered all over and sat down on my lap. Zero, where did you come from?! Where have you been?! You look just like before the car …… Oh, my God! What is going on?!

Then out of nowhere, came a blinding flash of crystalline white light, so intense and pervasive that it made everything in the room brilliantly transparent.

And, in that same blinding flash of light I knew. “ Zero! I really am dying and you have come for me! We are going to be with Mom and Dad in heaven! There is a God! It‘s all true!”

Then, Zero looked at me with the saddest, most anguished eyes in all creation and slowly shook his head “No……. “.

Then I watched in horror as the universe and everything in it faded to black ….. for all eternal time.