Unconditional Love, Connections of Now

Unconditional Love and the Connections of Now

We are all attracted to unconditional love: we are born to it.  We are born in a human condition that is regardless of the situation we are born in.  Whether it’s rich or poor, whether we have two parents, siblings, and a whole extended family or we just have one parent who meets our eyes.  And we love this person or people, depending on if they are there, with unconditional love.  It is the natural human condition, and then, soon afterwards, we are taught that it is shouldn’t be so, unless we have amazing parent(s).

It is unusual indeed for our human condition to then-after embrace unconditional love.  Some people think it’s just a concept, reserved for a few people with specific spiritual beliefs.  But it is not, it is where we belong.  We were all born to it.  Some of us are lucky to be around when a baby comes into the world.  And we are then amazed by this creature, this person who is a creation of mother and father, a creation of its own spirit, and if you’d go further, then I’d appreciate that very much. 

So we are amazed when we love a baby, in a way that we really haven’t been since we were born ourselves.  We really do remember in a way what it was like to live in such a way, where all that mattered was what was going on right then, when then was Now.  And all we really had were our connections to those who loved us.  And we loved them, really and truly, unconditionally.  It mattered not what the situation was.  We loved these people, when we were babies.  And they, remembering and amazed at the same time, loved us too, unconditionally.

At least for a while they did, until they thought about all the situations they are involved in.  And then they tried to figure out how we as babies now fit into their situations.  Should they admire us from a distance, because they are too committed to other situations?  Or should they become intimately involved with us?  They had to make a decision.  Their decisions often had the effect of removing unconditional love from us, even though we still loved them that way, at least for a while.  And so we learned, as babies do quickly, that love is most often very dependent on the situation, and our connections with people were dependent on the situations we were born into.  Yet at the same time, even in the same moments our dear ones are teaching us what we didn’t think could be true, that love is conditional, they were falling in love with us unconditionally.  How ironic, but this is how the mother of a murderer can someday stand by her child when the time comes and declare to the world: “I still love him”.

I could go on about babies, but the point is simple: we knew unconditional love first, and then we (well, 99.9999% of us) were taught that love isn’t unconditional, after all.  We were taught that love depends on the situation.  Yet, throughout our life, we really haven’t forgotten what it was like.  And so, most of us really haven’t stopped seeking it, so we can experience it again.

Yet as we grow older, we drive the deals with the devil, to make our extension of love to others dependent on the situations in which we live with them.  Believe it or not, it was through the study of the mathematics of situations that I realized how dependent our love is, on situations.  Now many of us have some friends and relations with family that are situation-less: it doesn’t really matter what situation we or they are in, we still love them. 

But if you really test that, you will find where the boundaries are, and it turns out the boundaries are in the conditions we find acceptable, within situations.  For example, if someone broke your trust, would you still love them?  If they failed in their commitment to seeking the best possible outcome in a mutual situation, would you still love them?  If they had a faith-belief you didn’t think was true, would you still love them?  If they had declared their love for you, and agreed to a mutual situation where you were depending heavily on their good behavior, then what would happen if their behavior strayed away from what was acceptable, in the situations in which you were involved with them? 

Well, just look at divorce statistics to see the answer, and please note that those statistics don’t account for the people staying in loveless marriages for some strange reasons.  Just look at the teen runaway and dropout statistics, not to mention those kids that have escaped somehow in their minds, via sports, drugs, books, tv, movies, facebook, art, music, drama, comedies, and all other kinds of escape.  I don’t mean to denigrate those activities in general, I’m trying to point to the kids who have realized they aren’t getting love anymore at home.  Because the situation sucks, to them.  Because they aren’t getting unconditional love, and they have been taught well not to love something that doesn’t love you back.  Their loved ones taught them not to love, unconditionally.

Unconditional love is different.  It’s one of the reasons people love dogs, because somehow dogs in their instincts, will love you back no matter what your behavior.  I wish I wasn’t allergic to dogs.

Well, while I was exploring the mathematics of situations, I was also experimenting with unconditional love.  I was in loving connections, I extended unconditional love, and I tested the boundaries, mostly unconsciously.  Now, I’m happy to report that most of the connections I tested survived, and I am still in love with many of these people.  But I found that some of the situations did not survive, and some connections didn’t survive either.  It was interesting.  I could have a connection where I was extending unconditional love to someone, yet the old situation I was in with them had to close or collapse because I had pushed the boundary too far. 

So, some connections didn’t survive.  I lost some people along the way.  Plus I’ve learned that even without testing boundaries, if you can’t establish a situation with someone where they feel they are getting some situational benefit, then often the connection also fails to take hold even if you extend to them unconditional love.  They really don’t know how to love you back that way: they have either forgotten, or they have decided its best for them to stick with situational love.

How does all this relate to connections of Now?  Well, our love flows inside our connections with others.  If our connections are sealed inside a situation, then it follows that the love flowing will be conditional on the underlying intention and reason for the situation, and it will be conditional on past and the future:  how the situation evolved and where it is going.  It will be conditional on the behaviors involved that are leading to successful outcomes in the situation.  Not very unconditional at all.  So, if we can stay in the moment of Now, then the importance of the intentions, reasons, and the past and the future fall by the wayside.  We simply enjoy the experience of the connection with the other person, in the moment of Now.  It’s like the difference between calling a person on the phone to make an arrangement versus just calling someone with whom you have a lasting and loving connection, to talk about the right Now.  There’s a difference even if you have a loving connection with the person you’re trying to arrange a situation with, because the arrangement comes from intentions and agreements made in the past and what you hope to happen in the future.  I’m not saying, don’t plan anything.  What I’m trying to point out is that some of our connections are timeless, and everything that really happens with those people happens in moments of Now.  Unforgettable moments too, the moments that we remember the longest.  And then other connections are rooted firmly in the situations we are dealing with, the conditional ones.

So, unconditional love is therefore a balancing act, because we are all in some situations.  What matters is that you don’t make the situation matter.  How about that?  I know it sounds kind of existential.  I hope that you can see I’m smiling right Now.  For I found something that I think is important: if we are to truly love, just the way we did when we were babies, we have to forget about the situations.  It doesn’t mean you have to accept being in all situations with someone, to love them.  I really want to make that clear.  Because unconditional love is at its very nature independent of situations, then you can extend this kind of love to someone, and at the same time say: “I don’t wish to join you in that particular situation.”  So really, and not just philosophically or in an abstract spiritual way, we can extend unconditional love.  It takes a lot of practice, I’ve found.  For we have to unlearn the lessons we’ve been taught since we were babies.

So, if you have some people you love unconditionally, then I’m happy for you, and I hope you can see that you can take it further, and love some others this way too.  I hope you can find a solid connection with someone special, and make it unconditional too, make it independent of situations.  I hope you never have to test it, like the scientist in me did.  I learned a lot along the way though, so maybe it’s worth a test or two for you too.  I think if you do, you’ll find that what really matters in this kind of love is about the connection in the moment, and it doesn’t really matter much what is actually happening, that it doesn’t depend on the situation at all.  The situation can turn out good or bad, and you still love them.  I think when we were babies we knew that.

bill

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