Life as I know it

         I am back again. I am back to the place where it all began and where it all had to end. I knew I would not be able to stay away for long. The memories that I have suppressed for so long have finally begun to resurface and I cannot help but nurse them. As I approach the front door of this immense house I realize that the exterior has not changed much. The irony in this is that everything has changed. Looks are deceiving but I tend to know better. There is something essential missing and my emotional pain is a constant reminder of what that ‘thing’ is. It’s her. I unlock the door and inhale the deepest breath. I look up to the sky and brace myself for what is to come as I walk in. I open the door slowly and step into the house that can no longer be called a home since the day she passed away. Everything rushes back to me and I am shaken by the sudden flash of memories that reposes my mind. It feels like white water rapids rushing through my brain and I am overwhelmed by it all. I am flooded with memories of her from my childhood that I was an expert at constantly repressing. I am angst ridden and I clasp onto my chest as I feel the dreaded knot forming once more.

         The floor is still covered with the blue vinyl and the red velvet sofas are as loud and vibrant as ever. Her dark wooden television set is on the floor in front of the enormous bay window that for so long has been keeping out the sunlight rather than welcoming it in. I walk over to the TV set slowly. With my index finger I wipe off just about one inch of dust. I walk over to the red love seat and drop myself onto it. I sit up straight with my hands on my lap and take it all in. She is gone. All of my fears were made a reality and all of my sorrow poured uncontrollably from my eyes. She was my confidant and my friend. She was everything I had and lost, and everything I will never get back. I allowed her memory to torrent my mind for the first time in a few months. I welcome the pain in once more. Her memory and this unbearable pain tend to coexist. Her death was sudden but the aftermath lingered clasping its death grip around my heart. Every atom of my being ached an agonizing grief. It was a constant reminder that she will never come back to me. Her lifeless body remains wrapped in dirt and decay and her beautiful soul that gave color to her eyes and life to her smile had been snatched from her. She vanished into a dimension that I am unworthy of entering.  I’ve tried constantly to cross over and find her but the barriers that separate us are great and immense. I’ve tried vigorously to demand her back to me. The endless river I have cried was not enough to float her back to shore. She never returned. So, I walked away from her memory until now.

         This tormenting pain was a constant in my life until I decided to block it out completely. However, here I am again allowing it to enter back into to my life since I’ve decided to revisit her.  It is beginning to take its dreaded form and capture me once more. It creeps up slowly and releases its dark rings around my hindered spirit. It is an intruder that arrives unwelcomed and unannounced. Before I could try to stop it, the pain has already taken its hold. I try to escape this torture but my resistance is weak and I am succumbed by this wave of endless grief. I realize my submission in this battle and I lay down so that it can wash over me. I lay motionless for hours before I realize the tears that have stained my face. I pick up my pieces off the floor and attempt to breath once again. I come back to reality and stand up from the love seat. I sigh and walk unsteadily towards the kitchen. The walls come alive and begin to close in on me. I freeze and shut my eyes tightly. I extend my arms and forcibly push them away from me. I struggle but my strength gives up on me. I fall to the floor. When I finally realize what has happened I am in a fetal position on the ground covering my head with both my arms. I pull myself together and realize that the walls haven’t moved. I stumble over the threshold to the kitchen and cover my eyes slightly as the sun makes him self at home by pouring his golden light evenly throughout the room. The light is so bright that everything it touches shimmers. His golden radiance gives everything in the kitchen, including my pale skin, a beautiful golden tone. In this very moment it is difficult to believe she is not the artist of this profound beauty. I am overcome with a warm feeling of comfort and delight. For a brief instant all of my agony escapes me. I have never felt so at peace as I do now. I want to swallow this moment whole and carry it with me forever. In this moment time and space do not exist. I am infinitely ageless and no time at all has passed since I last saw her. Our universes are one. I can stop mourning her because for this short moment she is not gone. The moment is interrupted with a sudden bang. I am startled by it and walk over to search where the loud noise is coming from.  I open the cherry wood colored door that separates the first floor from the back staircase. I walk carefully towards the pulsating blue vinyl steps. I creep down the blue and white vinyl covered stairs quietly but rigidly. I stop midway down and stand with my back against the wall. I hold my breath for a moment and listen carefully. Thump, thump, crack. I hear the sound once again and it sounds louder and clearer than before. It sounds as if someone or something is jumping on and breaking a hollow barrel.  I reach the back door and peak through the plastic window. I don’t see anything. I walk out through the back door. Her backyard is how she had always left it with the exception of Mother Nature’s redecorating. The two enormous oak trees that have been part of this property for at least twenty years stand tall and strong protecting the gentle flowers that stand gracefully at their feet. They act like marble pillars guarding the entry way to the backyard. Their reddish leaves are breathing in the chill autumn air. They absorb much of the life around them as they can and wait for their numbered days to come to an end. One by one they fall to their final resting place. The leave’s tragedy creates a flawless beauty, almost like a painting.  I walk along the red and white cobble stone path with the leaves brushing at my feet. I walk until I am in the garden. I stop to take in the glorious scenery. The plants are still green with life but are colored with a bit of yellow that suggests the end is near. 

         I face south, looking directly towards the sun. It is only 2 o’clock in the afternoon so the sun is just beginning to descend from its highest point in the sky. God, it is so beautiful. The sun looks bigger than usual. Everything that it’s majestic radiance touches seems to come to life. Its glow devours all of the simplicity in everything it touches and replaces it with breath taking elegance and beauty. At this moment I realize that my vocabulary is far too limited to describe the miracle of the beauty that is taking place before my eyes.

         Suddenly I am distracted by a sound. I hear a butterfly flutter beside me. It’s wings move at a slow pace. With each movement I hear a light swooshing sound. I step onto the red and white cobblestones and suddenly I hear a low melody playing. It is soft and sweet. It’s sound is very inviting and warm but I cannot seem to figure out where it is coming from. I take another step. The enormous and strong oak trees begin to soften and sway with the light breeze that is slowly moving through their leaves. The breeze is perfect for this warm autumn day. It is just enough to relieve my skin from the sun’s warm touch but chill enough to remind me that summer is far-gone. As I continue to walk forward on the cobble stone path everything around me comes to life. As I take each step I feel something wrapping itself around my ankle. I try to step forward but I cannot because my feet are bound to something. I look down and I see five pink daises wrapped around my leg. The more I try to break free the tighter their grip becomes. I suddenly realize that the joyous music that I have been hearing is actually coming from the daises.  I bend over to make sure my hearing is not deceiving me. Two daisies let go of my leg and brush softly against my ear. The melody is even more hypnotic up close. I feel myself slipping into a trance. I begin to see an image forming in the middle of the field of daisies. The figure is about 5 feet tall but it is difficult to make out what exactly is forming. I try to blink but my eyes are fixed on this figure. I become paralyzed with curiosity. Suddenly the figure vanishes just as the music stops. There is a dark cloud forming in the sky and I hear a loud roar of thunder. At once the daisies retract themselves into the soil and my legs are free from their hold.

         I turn to face the dark clouds that are coming in from the east. They look like military tanks rushing in to combat at full speed. The clouds stop moving once the beautiful blue sky is covered in a sheet of gray. It sounds like it begins to pour. As I begin to shield myself from the rain I realize that there are no raindrops falling from the sky. It sounds as if it is pouring and like a severe thunderstorm is occurring but there are no raindrops actually falling.  I stand in place full of confusion as to what is taking place.  I cannot even begin to question what is going on because I realize that something greater than my comprehension is occurring.

         I begin to walk down the red and white cobblestone path that suddenly reappears in front of me. There is only one direction that I can walk on this path and that is straight. As I walk, all feelings and repressed emotions leave me slowly. I begin to feel vacant. Nothing good nor bad, the only thing left inside is a numbing feeling. All past experiences that have molded me have gone and any hopes of future possibilities have escaped me just as easily as they entered. My mind is cleared and I hear nothing. The sound of rain has subsided and all around me becomes white. All of the beautiful colors in this alternate world have blended together to create this brilliantly bright white ambiance, all of the colors except for the red and white cobblestones on the path. I continue to walk but cannot tell how long that I have been walking. Suddenly a small round orb appears in front of me. It is floating gracefully through the air. It moves slow enough for me to see it but far too swiftly that I cannot grab it. The road changes its direction following the orb. As I focus my attention fiercely on it an enormous oak tree appears in the middle of the path causing the road to split in two. The tree is full of life, vibrant and beautiful. The orb circles the tree inviting me to get closer. Without hesitation I walk towards the tree. As I get closer I notice an entryway. Above the door there is a wooden sign that I see by chance. It is the same exact color as the tree causing it blends right it. It would be very easy for anyone to miss it. In a lighter shade of brown the word LIVE is written on it. “Live”, I say to myself. I walk through the entry way and I am surrounded by darkness. I hear something drop. I bend down and begin to search for the object with my hand. I finally find whatever it was that fell and pick it up. I touch it with both my hands and press the button I feel. Suddenly, there is light. It is a small flashlight. I am in a circular room that is completely empty. I turn to look for the door that I entered from but cannot find it. I search the room with the flashlight and I notice that the rounded walls are decorated with picture frames.

Golden 4X6 frames decorate the wall in a straight line and make a complete circle around the room. I look at each picture carefully. I begin to recognize the common person in each picture. It is I at different stages in my life. The first picture is of me as a baby only a few hours old. I am swaddled in a soft pink blanket. I look so peaceful. It is a distant but comforting memory. The next picture I see is of me at about one year old. I am holding a blue ball and I have chocolate smear across my tiny face. I walk around the room looking at each picture. There are easily about one hundred pictures. I come across one that catches my attention instantly. I look closely at it and see that it is a picture of me on my 16th birthday. There is an older lady who is embracing me lovingly. She is about 5 feet tall, short brown hair and light pink-rimed glasses. She is smiling and hugging me. I look happy here. I suddenly realize that the woman in the picture is her, my deceased aunt. All of the emotion that left me earlier begins to fill me up again. It all comes flooding in so quickly that I feel like I may burst. I am overwhelmed and suddenly bend over and try to calm down my breathing. I grip the wall with my hands and begin to sob uncontrollably. The only question that is overpowering my mind is, “Why?” I look up and my 16-year-old self says mockingly to me, “What will you do without her now that you’ve lost her for good?” I shout at the picture to stop tormenting me. But my smiling face in the picture is so mocking and ridiculing that I cannot help but to give into my rage. I begin to violently take all of the picture frames off of the wall and slam them on the floor. I fling them all across the room and one by one they all shatter as they fall on to the ground. I walk over to the large pile of broken glass and shattered memories and I kick and stomp on them. As I am kicking I loose my balance and fall face first onto the pile of glass. I do not move for what feels like hours. I pick up my hand and my ivory skin is painted red. I lift my arm higher and there is a stream of blood dripping down to my elbow. I get up half way so that I am in a kneeling position. I look down and I see thousands of little bits of glass piercing my skin. The blood is a vibrant red. It is pure and my wounds are fresh. One by one I remove the glass from my punctured skin. With each glass I remove, more blood pours out. The pain is great, both physically and emotionally. I try to find comfort in my blood. It reminds me that I am alive. Even when the pain is unbearable and when numbness settles in my blood still flows and gives me life. Even when I feel as though I am not, I am alive. As I continue to remove the glass from my body I notice a bright light opening up from over head. I look up to see the light becoming bigger and brighter. I look back down and the glass has vanished and my blood has dried. Slowly my bloodstained clothes are clean once more and scabs have replaced my gushing wounds. I suppose the scabs will serve as constant reminders of what has been. The past cannot be erased no matter how hard I try to block it out. Just like the pain, the scabs will fade but the imperfection of the skin will always remain. Even if on a molecular level, punctured skin never fully heals back to its smooth flawlessness.

The bright lights blind me. Everything around me turns to white and I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel my body leave the floor. I feel completely weightless. As I approach the ceiling, I am released. I feel myself falling fast back towards the ground and I realize that I am at the mercy of gravity. I flip myself over as I am falling so that I don’t fall on my back. As I manage to flip over I realize I am falling into a pit of endless darkness. The wind is blowing at a fast speed and I feel my hair wiping my face. I try to push it away but there is no use. Gradually I feel myself falling slower and slower. I finally reach the end of my plummet and my feet kiss the ground softly. It is merely dawn and the sun is just about breaking its way through the darkness that covers the sky. I am on a cliff looking towards the immense ocean and I cannot help but feel small. The color of the sun blending with the sky creates a violet blanket that is carefully spreading slowly onto the water.  Just like the night, life passes and seems to go too quickly. We tend to place such great importance on matters that are purely just matter. They take up space in our lives and we are so consumed with the simplicity of it all that we feel the need to complicate it. Life just is. Just like the water in the ocean just is. Every drop of water comes together to create this blanket of great enormity and power. When it is tranquil it is such a beautiful sight to take in. However, a few shifts in the Earth’s plates and this stunning piece of breath taking scenery can swallow us humans up like a lion does to its weak prey. Life is similar to the ocean in this way. Instead of admiring and taking in life when it is tranquil we try to shift the plates ourselves. However, we find that when we are finally able to shift the plates we are too tired and weak to swim away from the repercussion.

The few stars left in the changing sky remind me of what used to be when I had the entire universe at the palm of my hands. It was real; I know it was. No one could ever convince me otherwise. It my have been tainted by the stresses of life and it may have faded away into dark oblivion but I managed to find it once more. This time I am never going to let go. Just like a star, it fades during the day but I can always feel it all around me. He is there; he is always there. Even in times when I doubt it, he is there. Even in times when I give up hope, he is there. Even when I look for him in someone else, he is there reminding me that no one else could ever take his permanent attachment in my soul. He is the muse in my universe. He brings life to my words. Without him all creativity is lost in oblivion. The river that nourish my words run dry and I am at a loss. He is everything that is great and everything that is great is he. Yet, his oblivion to all of this is astounding. How can another person be so vitally significant to another and have no idea? His influence is great and the bond is real. If life is kind he will return to me. If life is not kind then I will spend it in suffering writing about the beauty of his being and soul. Out of sheer desperation I step back nine feet from the cliff and begin to run towards the ledge to jump into this blanket of infinite purple and blue abyss. As I approach the ledge I hear my name being called so softly. The voice is a man’s voice no doubt but it is so soft that I heard it by sheer chance. I turn around and I am paralyzed with shock and excitement all at once. He has returned for me. He walks towards me and with his right hand he brushes my hair from my face. He asks me, “What are you doing?” I tell him that I don’t know anymore. I ask him, “Why are you here?” He breathes in deeply before he answers. He says, “I can’t stand loosing again. I can’t lose you again.” I turn around because I cannot face him with what I am about to say. I take a deep breath and say, “I always manage to find you, sometimes I wish that you would find me instead.” He grabs my arm and turns me to face him. “I did find you,” he says “and I never want to lose you again. Don’t you know that I have always loved you?” he says with a questioning look on his face as if the answer should be obvious  “All I know is that I have always loved you. I never stopped and I don’t think I have it in me to ever stop. “ I say barely able to meet his gaze. He smiles, picks up my chin with his finger and says, “Then stop trying to forget. You are everything. There never was another before you and there will never be anyone after you. You are my pain, my happiness and my life. You are what I have been waiting for.” Before I can answer he says, “I will wait for you at the finish line, I’ll wait there forever if I have to.” He vanishes into the air. I stand there for a few minutes trying to piece together what just took place. My mind feels heavy with emotion. I feel liberated for having found my hearts desire once more but I feel conflicted. I cannot help but ask myself why we must always be separated. If he is my soul’s mate why can he not accompany it through life? Why must I constantly search for him where I have lost him last? I shake my head in hopes the thoughts will loosen and dissolve with each motion. I am aware of my surroundings once more. The sky is still the same color as before. It feels like it has been dawn for a very long time. I turn away from the water and begin to walk uphill on the winding road. As I walk I notice that the road is leading me towards a forest. I notice a medium size wooden door. Above the door there is a black marble sign that reads, “Liberate”. “Liberate,” I say as I read it slowly. I reflect on the loaded meaning behind this word and walk through the doorframe. I walk right into the living room of an ancient mansion.

The walls are white and lined in gold molding. The beige furniture is no doubt from Paris circa the 1903. The ceilings are 39 feet high and the windows are just as long. The curtains are silk and are decorated in a pink floral pattern.  I hear loud music coming from the room adjacent to this one. I walk freely towards the music. I open the door and see a room full of brown haired brown-eyed men. I suddenly feel Closter phobic and try to find my way out. The door vanishes from my sight and I am lost in the middle of this endless crowd. A group of men form a circle around me. As they begin to ask me inappropriate questions I scream for help but they just laugh at me.  Out of pure desperation and aggravation I begin to break their fingers one by one and then run towards the back of the house. I run into a tiny 5x6 room with a staircase that leads to the bottom of the house. I walk carefully down the cherry wood staircase. Each stair I go down makes a subtle creaking sound. I creep down each one as quietly as I can but the squeak each stair makes gives me away and alerts everyone who is in close ear range that I am coming. As I make it to the bottom I realize that I am alone in a white stonewall cellar. I walk towards the back door and make my exit. It is still dark out but the bright lights from the bronze street lamps light my path. So, I walk. I keep walking and then decide to jog. I want to move as fast as the wind but my feet feel heavy. I can barely move faster than a slow jog. I am determined to break free from this slow motion but I cannot. I move my legs faster but my pace remains the same. This is madness. I am frustrated and out of breath. I refuse to quit so I continue to jog even though it is at a sluggish pace.  I can hear my feet brushing up against the leaves. I think to myself that the fall season is so beautiful. It is the time of the year where life dies down. Despite my shortcomings I cannot ignore the phenomenon that is surrounding me. I am an atom in this divine world that surrounds me. I am smaller than the trees and at the mercy of Mother Nature. I am as fragile as the leaves and as gentle as the wind. Although, I realize my mortality in this world I also realize that I have a great power within me. I feel more than I should and see more than I’d like to.  This world is an enabler for all of my frailties as a human. I realize in order to be great I must pass over the vestibule that separates me from the beyond. My spirit is great and powerful but as long as I am bond to these chains of mortality I cannot be all that I am. So I run. Faster than I have ever ran. My legs are pulsing with adrenaline and I am free to move at the speed of light. I run and I cannot stop. I feel my heart pounding so hard in my chest I feel as if it may explode. I feel past the physical pain and dwell on the immense liberation that I am experiencing for the first time in my life. I realize that I am free. I am free from all of the repression, from all of the pain and from all of the disappointments life has offered. I can see past that now. I run until I cannot run anymore. I stop, gasping for air. I bend over because the pains in my stomach are unbearable when I stand upward. I feel my face burning and my ears begin to tingle. I hear water trickling. I follow the sound. It leads me to a tan stone wall.  I see a faucet piercing through the wall with clean water pouring ever so gently from it. I attack the water with great desire and need for its hydrating nourishment and purity.  My lips meet the source of life and I begin to drink uncontrollably. I did not realize how thirsty I was until I feel the smooth cold mountain water trickle down my dry throat.  Water is dripping down my chin as I try my hardest to gulp it all down. I lift my head from the faucet when I have finally had enough and I feel the unknown wrap it’s terrifying arms around me. I accept it and realize that the blanket of darkness that surrounds me no longer scares me. I am in the unknown as I have been for quite some time and for once I am at peace with it. I see a small bright light and I walk towards it. Then I see another light appear. I walk towards the first light and realize that it led me to a door. I open then door and right in front of me stands a hazy 5-foot silhouette. At first it is difficult to make out what it is but after a few seconds of searching I realize it is she, my aunt, my confidant and my friend. Without thinking I embrace her so lovingly and so tightly. I feel my eyes fill with water that begins to flow just like the faucet in the stonewall. I tell her that I’ve missed her and that I love her. She smiles, returns my embrace and says nothing. She points to the next light and bops her head towards it. I look to where she is pointing and walk towards the second light. As I walk closer to it I realize that it is another door. Before I could reach for the doorknob the door opens on its own. My soul instantly recognizes his face. He looks at me. I look back at him. We don’t say anything but our silence says so much. He reaches out his hand to me. I offer mine in return but I cannot seem to reach his. I struggle to bring my hand closer but I fail. Of everything this world has to offer it had to take away the two most important people in my life. We are separated by a world of the in between. I cannot cross over and they cannot reach me. I suffer in silence as I contemplate my next move. As I stand there waiting they become more distant and less visible. I hear a voice inside of my own that tells me that I need to leave. I need to leave this all behind. I obey without hesitation and without a single word of goodbye I leave.

I find myself back on the same cobble stone paths that lead me to this bizarre world. I follow it back to the house where my journey first began. My exhaustion grows with every single step I take. When I arrive at the back door to my aunt’s house I open it and I am barely able to crawl up the blue vinyl stairs.  Somehow I make it back into the living room and drop myself onto the red velvet couch surrendering to my exhaustion. My dreams consist of purple and pink smoke. There are figures present but I cannot make out what or who they are. Everything mixes together in a blur. I wake up to the sound of a door slamming. Whoever the visitor is he or she runs to my side. “Where have you been?” a familiar male voice asks. I know that voice all too well. Without opening my eyes I smile and say, “Right here waiting for you.”  I rise unsteadily to my feet and wrap my arms around him. “I told myself I was going to be upset with you for making me go crazy the past day looking all over for you but now I cannot help but smile.” He says to me with a smirk on his face. “Past day?” I say with a confused look on my face “I’ve only been here a few hours.” “I’ve been looking for you since 7 o’clock last night.” He tells me. “How did you know where to find me?” I ask trying to comprehend the time lost. “You told me you need to go to a place where your childhood comes alive and your pain releases itself.  When you didn’t answer your phone last night I figured you went to bed but then I couldn’t get a hold of you today I began to worry. This is the only place I know of that you cherish because it is vault of endless childhood memories and unbearable pain.” He says to me in a sympathetic voice. “You okay?” he asks. “ I am.” I say without delay.  No more words are exchanged because we both realize none are needed. Our souls are connected and will always be. He takes my hand and we walk out the door. I glance back once more and smile as I look away. I will never return back to this place. This is the closure that I needed after all of this time. I realize by doing this I am not leaving her. I am ready to leave the pain behind and carry the memories with me like a badge of honor for having known someone as wonderful as her.