Monika and Candy's Reunion

Monika and Candy’s Reunion ( Feb 2012)
excerpt from broke’n, unpublished work in progress started Dec 2010.

-background…Monika, age 23 has finally been reunited with the mother she was taken from 17 years earlier by child services. ….this reunion takes place at an NA meeting. ……this excerpt is from the time immediately after their first meeting, when the two go out for ice cream after NA. This story is set in the present time, commencing in September 2010, and ending in December 2015. All grammatical errors are intentional, to make the character’s speech more realistic.

Monika told her story to her mother, something that she had never imagined doing. At times Candy wiped tears from her eyes, but she wanted to know the whole truth. She wanted to know everything that she had missed in that 17 years. When she finished, with the story of Jimmy and Weasel going to prison, and of her brief but still unpleasant incarceration at the Weston Institute for women, Candy again cried. She could not help but blame herself for the pain Monika had gone thorough.

“But like I said I was really lucky. I only got a year; an they only made me do 8 months. It wasn’t too bad. The worst part was not being able to smoke. Well other then the tobacco people snuck in.”

“I know….I’ve been there too. A few years back.”

“So yeah”, said Monika, “Tell me your story…Why didn’t you ever try to find me?”

“Oh I tried…I tried. I didn’t really look for you till 2005 or so though I have to confess. Before then I was so fucked up that I knew there was no chance they’d even let me see you. It would just be painful to know where you were and not be able to go there. 

“I wish you would have found me then.”

“Me too…., the thing was when I called child services they said that your file was closed as you were no longer in their care. I didn’t know what that meant. I even worried that you might be dead. No one ever mentioned Gavin. So while I was looking for you, you were becoming a junkie…….”

“Yeah…that’s the truth…”

“Anyway what happened to me was that after they took you I figured that there was no way I was ever going to get you back, so I had no reason to clean up. I did a lot of drugs, likely more then when you were there. I was pretty much on a tear from ’96 to 2004 or so. There’s a lot that happened then I don’t remember. I know I overdosed at least twice. I know I was hooking and stripping as much as I could, and still it was never enough money. I was shooting coke too at this point. I just didn’t care really what happened to me. Anyway I got involved with some people who were sellin a lot of coke. They used to give me some for sellin some. I was down with that. Anyway we got raided, next thing you know I was arrested and charged. My lawyer managed to get me a pretty good deal. I got sentenced to 2 years, but it was really only a year an a bit. I had to go to NA when I got out…Just like you.” here Candy smiled and looked up at Monika, “I’m starting to think it’s a good thing when they sentence you to that.”

“I met a man here after a few meetings.” she continued.” He was amazing. His name was Jules; he was about 45 and nice looking. He had the same problem I did, Heroin addiction an he was struggling too. So I kept goin to NA cause I had to, but once I met Jules I didn’t really try to clean up any more. I did stop goin out on the street, an I quit the stripping job I had, so I guess to my worker I looked like I was doin better. I told them that I had met a nice man who didn’t want me to do that kina thing any more – I just didn’t tell them he was a junkie too. See he could use when ever he wanted, cause he had inherited a lot of money, an his family was really rich.”

“Wow”, said Monika….”That’s a junkie’s dream.”

“Oh your so right…….Anyway everything was better. We were doin H every day, an coke quite a bit too. We used to bang em together in a speedball. It was wicked.” Candy couldn’t help but smile at the remembrances. Some things no matter how bad society deemed them would always be fond memories.

“So where is this dude?.............You still with him?”, already her junkie’s mind was racing….Hmm with a guy like that she might just be able to get shit on a regular basis again……

“He’s dead”, was all Candy said.

“Oh that sucks!.............What happened?”

“Well it was New Years, back in 2006…..Almost 2007 I guess. We were partying as usual. He had already done a couple of good shots, an he wanted to do one more….He said he was gonna be smart an save the rest for the next day. He added a bit of extra coke to the third shot to make it really kick ass……You know how it is when you’ve done 2…there’s always the fear that you won’t feel it good cause of already doin so much…….Anyway that last shot was what did it. He fell to the floor, in a seizure……he was just flailing around…..”

“I know. I seen it myself with Gene…Only he lived.”

“Well then you know what I mean…it’s hard to watch someone you love go through that. You feel so helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to call an ambulance cause we had so much shit around, an I knew he would be mad if word got out to his folks….after all it was their cash that was what we were livin on…….But he looked so bad..He was tearin the skin off his face, an his eyes were rolled back in his head…..So I called 911, an just ran around clearing up the drugs while I talked to em. They got there soon, but I guess I’d waited too long. He died on the way to the hospital. I was with him, as they let me come. I was holding his hand when he went. I don’t know if he knew I was there. They said it was a massive heart attack….He just flat lined right there in the ambulance. But they kept goin even though he was dead…..They had to have a Dr, to pronounce him dead they said. When we got to the hospital I was in a daze…between the drugs and the shock of losing Jules. Monika if you remember much about when you were little you’d remember that all the guys I knew treated me really bad. I hated men, an just used em for cash. I never thought a man would love me. But Jules did. He loved me even though I was a prostitute…even though I was a junkie……..even though I had Hep. Monika could see the tears in her eyes…. “He said I was beautiful, he said I meant the world to him. We were going to get married.” Here her voice failed as the tears took over, and instinctively Monika reached out her hand across the table where their forgotten ice cream sundaes were slowly melting. “We were going to get married”, she said again quietly wiping the tears from her eyes, “But we were waiting till summer cause he wanted to get married by the ocean. I agreed with him…..It sounded so romantic.”

In her wildest dreams Monika had never imagined Candy using the word “romantic” or talking of true love. She could see that in always imagining her mother the way she had been 17 years ago, she had been doing her an injustice. She was not even close to the little girl she had been 17 years ago – why should Candy not have changed too?

“Monika….never put things off if you can do them today……and always tell people you love them. You may not get another chance. ………….So I got a cab home from the hospital…I had no money on me, but some kind person put me in one as they could see the state I was in. Once I got home what do you think I did with the left over drugs?”

“Threw them out?”

“No….I probably should have. But no I was so upset that I really wanted to die too. So I made myself the biggest shots I could, coke an H mixed – speedballs. I really don’t know how I didn’t die. There must have been close to 2 grams of each, an I did it all. Maybe cause I wanted to so bad, an god just wanted to punish me by keeping me alive to see what a mess I had made of my life. Anyway the next day I woke up, an I kicked myself for being such a dumb ass an shootin all the H. The coke didn’t matter, cause like you know that’s not a physical addiction…….So there I am devastated by Jules’s death, an I’m havin to go out an find a dealer with more H….quite a bit cause my tolerance was way up after bangin all that. I didn’t even really want to shoot it. I just knew I had to or on top of all the other BS I’d be sick as fuck. You know?” she smiled sadly as she looked across at her daughter.......Monika nodded. “Don’t get me wrong….its not like I’m happy that you’re a junkie, but it’s wonderful that you can finally understand what I went through. It makes me feel a bit better to know that.” Monika again squeezed her mother’s hand. It was funny how when you lost touch with someone you never thought of them as having grown any older. To her all these years Candy had been the pretty brittle young woman cooking up H on the pink satin bed. It wasn’t the truth anymore.

Anyway after that everyday that I did my shit I wasn’t enjoying it any more. I was still living in his house. No one kicked me out, so why not? But yeah, between the fact that money was running low an the fact that I wasn’t enjoying it anymore I began to really think about methadone. I knew if I wanted to keep bangin it I’d have to start turning tricks again. I just couldn’t face that after a couple of years away from that whole thing -  it looked just as sordid as it was. So yeah, I went to the Dr. an I got on methadone. I slipped up a few times, but after the first year or so I was doin good.”

“When was that?”, Monika asked.

“Back in 2007….yeah so I’ve been clean pretty much 5 years now.”

“Wow….”, asked Monika…, “Don’t you miss it?”

“Honestly sometimes yes…..But I don’t miss the bullshit….the waiting for shit, the getting ripped off, the selling my body to get the cash…..all the fucked up people you have to know……the criminals …the con artists…..”, explained Candy.  Monika’s mind immediately flashed to Weasel & Gene.

“I know what you mean……that whole world really sucks sometimes…..having to hide everything, people always buggin you to hook them up with a shot, havin the cops on your ass half the time, being sick when you can’t find the cash an then havin to drag yourself out to make money somehow when you feel like death….”

“Yeah how was it that the Velvet Underground put it?...............”.Feel sick an dirty , more dead then alive”, added Candy.


“That’s so true”, agreed Monika…”that an the shit you gotta do to get the shit……..I never really hooked…but yeah those old dudes didn’t just give me the money…I used to strip a bit for em, tease em you know…..an I done a lot of bad stuff….stole a lot, ripped people off, I used a lot of people.”, she held her head down as she could not help but think just how badly she’d treated Jimmy. It would be better for him to just forget her. She had after all ruined his life.

“I know…it kina what you gotta do ain’t it?.......After a while you don’t even realize any of it is wrong cause your just so used to it……She sighed…”So now you know it all Monika…….You know where I was all these years…an I know where you’ve been. I can’t stop blaming myself for how your life’s gone. Maybe if I could have got clean sooner……..Maybe if I would have listened the first time those damm child protection people came around. I just thought they were idiots…..I didn’t think they could really take you away…….” Candy looked straight at Monika…she had to ask; “I know I haven’t been much of a mother to you. I know I don’t really deserve to call myself a mother do I? But Monika, can you ever forgive me?”

Monika looked back at her, her gaze just as strong as her mother’s. She smiled as she spoke with tears filling her eyes. “Mom, I already have.” Tears fell freely from both their eyes as they reached to embrace each other, the ice-cream thoroughly forgotten…