Getting to me

Imagine a life not worrying about what people thought about you.  Impossible I think.  For a decade I was been trapped by the thought of disappointment, discouragement, and the game.  It’s the kind of game that you can’t just quit and walk away from.  The game pulls you in and you feel like the rest of the world is playing too- but in reality there are so few players.  The thought of losing, even to yourself, is incomprehensible. 

I was 15 years old when I started to have body image issues.  The thought of eating in a cafeteria with everyone didn’t jive with me.  I decided I would rather not eat at school; I would wait until I came home every day.  This was my pattern from eighth grade to twelfth grade.  After a couple years, I guess my body got used to not eating for upwards of 16 hours.  For me, is became a game and unless I could beat my previous day time I felt defeated. 

I knew what anorexia was, and I knew the problems it caused but I never realized that I was suffering from it.  I thought it was a choice I was making; I thought it would make me happy.  When your 15 it’s hard to grasp the consequences of your actions. I never thought I would be suffering from this disorder for ten years; I never thought I would be anorexic.  It took me until age 24 to realize this was the problem, to realize it wasn’t in my control.  I was working as a cake decorator with a close friend, and though I had never mentioned my issues with food I guess it was clear to her.  She looked at me one day and simply said “I used to have a bad relationship with food too”.  This was the first time I had talked about it, and really thought about it.  I acknowledged the fact I couldn’t help it, and that I was constantly be looking at other girls wondering what they did to keep thin then I wondered if what they did was better than what I did.  The game never ended, I was constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, thinking about what their secret might be, wondering if they wanted to know mine, wondering if they even noticed me as I felt I was immersed into their world and figuring out how to beat them at the game only I was playing.  But even when I realized it wasn’t in my control, I never once stopped to think, maybe I’m the only one playing this game.

I still don’t know how I justified this to myself.  At age 24 I felt I should now be strong enough emotionally to conquer this disorder.  I was not. 

I always knew how much I hated my relationship with food; I knew it probably wasn’t normal to question eating a piece of celery or dinner for that matter.  I knew the average person should eat three meals a day- breakfast, lunch and dinner- and not ever starve themselves for as long as they could last.  But something wouldn’t let me accept this; something wouldn’t let me accept me. 

I was age 25 when I finally came to the realization that I was not portraying the woman I aspired to be.  I wanted my actions to be reflective of who I am and I was not doing that for ten years of my life.  The hardest thing I have conquered in my 25 years is anorexia.  The most satisfying thing I have acheived in my life is gaining my health back.  The proudest self moment was looking in the mirror and feeling like I deserve to smile and not hating what I see.  There have been times when I still have thoughtless moments of returning to my past, but the joy of knowing I am now the woman I want to me overshadows any questions in my low moments. 

Life is what you make it, know what you want to accomplish, be the person you aspire to be and don’t let anything overshadow your dreams.